Two Truths and an Elevator

(Mitch and Nina walk into an elevator. It is bigger than regular elevator, can fit more than ten people. Nina pushes a button)

Nina: (Excited) I can’t believe we’re in the Mall of America. It’s so huge.

Mitch: I know; you can fit a whole zoo in here.

Nina: Imagine if the Mall of America was both a mall…and a zoo. And then the animals got let loose and went on a rampage and destroyed everything in plain sight.

(Mitch stares at Nina likes she’s a crazy person)

Mitch: (Sarcastically) Yeah, that sounds cool

Nina: Or maybe-

(Elevator makes a sound to indicate that it’s stopping)

Mitch: Hey look we’re stopping.

(Katherine, Hanna, and Jionni enter the elevator. Hanna is texting on her phone while she is walking in. They each push a different button on the elevator and stand separate from each other.)

Nina: (Freaking out while pointing at Hanna) OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! Its Miranda Cosgrove! (She walks over to Hanna and shakes her hand) Hi, I’m Nina, I love your show ICarly, it sucks that it got cancelled though; I can’t believe you’re here right now in the exact same elevator. This is my friend Mitch.

(Mitch awkwardly waves to Hanna, Hanna awkwardly waves at Mitch. Jionni and Katherine stare at Nina like she’s crazy)

Mitch: Nina, that’s not Miranda Cosgrove.

Hanna: He’s right, my names Hanna.

Nina: Oh, I get it. You’re trying to go undercover so no one knows who you are.


Hanna: No, what I’m trying to say is-

(Elevator makes the same noise to indicate that it’s stopped. Ryder and Meg enter the elevator. As Meg comes on, she looks behind her and see’s that Ryder is dressed up as Santa Claus. Meg quickly pushes one of the buttons and moves over to a wall to get away from Ryder. Ryder pushes a button and stands in the center. Everyone stares at Ryder in confusion)

Ryder: (Looking at everyone else) ‘Sup?

Katherine: Why are you dressed like Santa Claus?

Ryder: It’s my job.

Jionni: Why?

Ryder: Because I got fired from all my other jobs for supposedly taking too many breaks.

Meg: Are you on a break now?

Ryder: Yep

(Nina turns over her left shoulder to look out the elevator window)

Nina: It says on that sign over where kids are lined up to meet you that your break ended twenty minutes ago.

Ryder: The sign is slow when it comes to time.

Nina: Then why is there a long line of kids waiting by a set-up that’s designed to look like the North Pole?

Ryder: That’s for a different Santa-

(Ryder gets cut off as the elevator stops moving and the lights go off. The emergency lights come on. Everyone has a worried look on their face. Katherine walks over to the buttons. She pushes one of them repeatedly but nothing happens)

Katherine: We’re stuck

Meg: (In a panic tone) What? We can’t be stuck.

Mitch: Just calm down (Points to the wall with the buttons. There is a phone behind a small glass door with a red knob) Look, there’s a phone. We can call someone and maybe they can get us out.

Hanna: Isn’t that what we can use our cell phones for?

Mitch: Yes, but that phone can easily let us talk to mall cops and then they can save us.

(Mitch went to try and open the door, but it wouldn’t open. He pulled harder, but it still wouldn’t open. He gave up and walked away)

Hanna: (In a gloatful tone) I see, now, what else can we use incase if we are in an emergency?

Mitch: …Cell phones.

Hanna: Ya (She pulls out her phone and starts texting). Trapped in elevator at the mall, please save us, p.s, bring some taco bell

(There is a period of silence)

Meg: I can’t wait any longer. (She starts pounding on the door with her fists) Let me out! Let me out!

Jionni: We’ve only been in here for a minute

Hanna: I have an idea

Mitch: (Annoyingly) Does it involve texting?

Nina: Mitch, don’t talk to Miranda Cosgrove like that.

Hannah: (To Nina, angrily) Ok, for the final time, I’m not Miranda Cosgrove. My name is Hanna. HAN-NA! (To Mitch) and no, my idea doesn’t involve texting. (She pulls out her phone and starts pushing buttons. She places her phone on the ground) My idea is to listen to music. (Music begins to play) And dance to it. (She starts to dance)

(Mitch leans his back against the wall. Everyone awkwardly stares at each other. Then one by one, everyone starts to dance with Hanna. Just as everyone is starting to have fun, the music stops playing)

Hanna: (Picks up her phone and taps it repeatedly) Oh no, my phones dead.

Mitch: (Grins and claps his hands) Wonderful, whose idea was it to waste the ten percent of battery we had for help?

Hanna: (Angrily) Listen you piece of-

Katherine: Ok…you know what we all should do. We should just sit down and try to relax. (She sits down)

(Everyone sits down around Katherine)

Katherine: And now, we just close our eyes (Closes eyes), and breath in (Breaths in), and out (Breaths out)

(Everyone closes their eyes and breaths in and out. There is a ten second silence)

Meg: I can’t take this anymore. (Kicks the door repeatedly with her right foot) Let me out! Let me out!

(Everyone opens their eyes, except for Katherine, and stares at Meg)

Katherine: (Still has eyes closed) This isn’t calm.

Meg: (Stopped kicking the door to talk to Katherine) I don’t care about calm, I care about getting out of this god forsaken elevator.

Katherine: (Furiously) STOP KICKING THE DOOR!

(Meg started at Katherine and soon became afraid of her. She turned around and sat quietly)

Katherine: Thank you (More calmly) So what should we do now?

(Silence)

Jionni: We could play two truths and a lie

Everyone: No

Jionni: C’mon it’ll be fun. Just say your name, two things about you that are true and one thing that isn’t. I’ll go first, my name is Jionni, and I run a business, I hate tennis, and I like to read.

Meg: (Miserably) You hate tennis

Jionni: Correct.

Nina: What kind of business do you run?

Jionni: It’s a…shoplifting business.

(Everyone stares shocked at Jionni)

Mitch: Wait, what do you mean a shoplifting business?

Jionni: Well, people would pay me money to shoplift for them when they were too afraid to do it themselves or couldn’t afford to buy it. So if any of you are interested, give me a call.

(Silence)

Jionni: So who’s next?

Hanna: I guess I’ll go. My name is (To Nina) HAN-NA. (Back to everyone else) I work at Panera Bread, I’m going to UCLA after I graduate high school, and (To Nina) I’M NOT MIRANDA COSGROVE.

Katherine: Panera Bread

Hanna: Yep

Katherine: Ok. My name is Katherine; I’m a yoga instructor, I always try to remain calm and (more angrily) I don’t carry long time grudges against people who stole my dream job.

(Everyone scooted away from Katherine)

Meg: Yoga instructor

Katherine: (More relaxed) Yeah

Nina: Who do you have a grudge against?

Katherine: This girl Melanie, she took, more like she stole, the dream job I always wanted at Planet Yoga. The job was for teaching others yoga and to be relaxed. And she got it, but I didn’t. And one of these days, she’s gonna get what’s coming to her. And when that day comes, I’m gonna take back the job that was rightfully mine from that little-

Meg: Ok, I’ll go next. My name is Meg, I live across the street from the mall, I like to play monopoly, and (Starts to kick the door) I want to get out of this elevator.

Jionni: Monopoly?

Meg: (Stops kicking the door) No, I live twenty minutes from the mall (Begins to kick the door again)

(Everyone stares at Meg for a few seconds as she kicks the door. She turns around sees everyone staring at her)

Meg: Well, isn’t someone gonna take their turn?

Mitch: I’ll go. My name is Mitch, I play lacrosse, I’m allergic to dust-

(Katherine and Meg burst out into an annoying laughter. Everyone stares at them. Mitch gives them a look. Katherine and Meg look at Mitch and stop laughing)

Mitch: And I have a cat named Snoopy

Katherine and Meg: Dust

Mitch: No, I have a pet bird named Snoopy

Katherine and Meg: Oh

Nina: Wait, I’ve known you throughout my entire life. Why am I hearing about this now?

Mitch: Because I never realized it until a couple days ago when I was cleaning my room and when I was cleaning dust off my TV, I had a sneezing attack. And it wouldn’t stop, so I had to go the hospital. And that’s when I found out that I was allergic to dust. But it’s a serious allergy.

Meg: Gosh, I’m sorry for laughing earlier

Katherine: Yeah, me to

Mitch: It’s ok

(Silence)

Meg: Can someone go now so I don’t start kicking the door because I’m getting a pain in my knee.

Ryder: Ok, I’ll go. My name is Ryder, before I was Santa Claus I worked as a cook at Taco Bell, I have a pet spider named Charlotte after Charlotte’s web, and I celebrate Christmas, Hanukah, and Kwanza.

Nina: Charlotte the spider

Ryder: Yep

Meg: Can someone even celebrate all three holidays?

Ryder: They could, it would be hard, but they could

Nina: and I guess that leaves me. My name is Nina, I wanna become a vet when I grow up, my idol is Sarah Jessica Parker, and (To Hanna) I know that, HAN-NA, is, repeat, IS, Miranda Cosgrove.

Mitch: Since when did you want to be a vet?

Nina: I don’t, that was my lie.

Hanna: Oh…my god (Stands up) after all this time; you still think that I’m Miranda Cosgrove.

Nina: Oh, I know your Miranda Cosgrove (Stands up)

Hanna: How can I make this clearer to you, my name is Hanna.

Nina: Oh what are you gonna do, have Jennette McCurdy fall from the ceiling with a butter sock and beat me with it until I call you Hanna?

Mitch: Nina, why don’t you just calm down

Nina: (Pointing a finger at Mitch) Never tell me to calm down. (To Hanna) And I’ve watched ICarly enough times to know what Miranda Cosgrove looks like, so don’t try to fool me.

Hanna: You’re insane.

Nina: You’re more insane than I am

Hanna: That doesn’t make any sense

Nina: Your face doesn’t make sense

Hanna: Yo mama doesn’t make sense

Nina: Yo mama is a-

Mitch: Ok (Coming between Hanna and Nina) why don’t we talk about something other than each other’s mamas?

Hanna: (Shoves Mitch) Stay out of this

(While they are arguing, Meg is kicking on the door while silently saying let me out repeatedly)

Nina: (Shoves Hanna) Don’t shove him

Hanna: And who’s gonna (Shoves Nina) stop me

Nina: My fist (Shoves Hanna) when it makes its way into your face

Hanna: Not if (Shoves Nina) my fist hits your face first

Nina: You think that hello kitty sized fist can make any damage

Hanna: Only one way to find out

(Hanna attempts to hit Nina, but she moves out of the way. Ryder and Jionni stand up and try to hold Hanna back as Mitch tries to hold Nina back. Hanna and Nina shout and argue with each other while being held back. Meanwhile, Meg is still kicking on the elevator door and Katherine is still sitting)

Katherine: (Furiously) STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

(Katherine starts to inhale and exhale. Everyone stops what they’re doing and stays frozen in place. Katherine looks around at everyone to see them staring at her)

Katherine: Sorry, I tend to get mad when others get mad around me and yell like a crazy person when I want them to stop.

(Everyone is still frozen in place. All of a sudden, they hear a dinging sound to indicate that the elevator is working and that they have stopped at one of their designated floors. The doors open)

Katherine: FREEDOM!

(Everyone stares at Katherine as she leaves. Then they all stare at each other. They shrug their shoulders and leave the elevator)