Scene 1: Cafe

(James walks in and talks to clerk. Note: the clerk is a woman.)

James: Yeah. I’ll have 3 tall cappuccinos,
2 medium decafs, one tall decaf, and… Now that I think of it, how ‘bout a small calf.

Clerk: Okay that will be one million dollars please.

James: Okay. (Hands a ten dollar bill to clerk.)

Clerk: Thank you. (Starts to yell to the chef.) 3 tall cappuccinos, 2 medium decafs, one tall decaf, and a small bowl of Veal.

(Vomiting can be heard from the back. Chef comes out and hands Clerk a bag.)

Clerk: Are you starting to put the orders in bags?

Cheff: No, You idiot. That’s my barf bag. Now tell the customer that we don’t serve meat.

Clerk: We don’t serve meat.

James: I wasn’t asking for meat. I was asking for regular coffee.

(2 second pause)

Clerk: Oh.

Chef: You’re going to take some ipecac right now or you're fired!

Clerk: Ugh. Fine. (Grabs bottle of ipecac and walks into the boys bathroom.)

Chef: Wrong bathroom.

James: Three. Two. One.
(Scream can be heard inside the boys bathroom. Clerk walks out.)

Clerk: Okay. I might not need the ipecac.(Puts Ipecac back.) I quit.(Walks out.)

Chef: Oh well. (Walks into kitchen.)

James: Hmm.

Scene 2: House

(James walks in and sees that Raul is watching T.V.)

James: What are you doing in my house?

Raul: My parents kicked me out of their house. So I’m just crashing.

James: I thought you said you bought your own house.

Raul: I did.

James: Then why are you- (Raul stares at James) Um. Hey. What are you watching, anyway?

Raul: Doctor Who.

James: Is that the twelfth Doctor?

Raul: No. That’s some zombie time lord.

James: Oh. Um. Hey. Something strange happened at the local cafe today.

Raul: What?

James: A clerk quit due to an ipecac related incident.

Raul: Huh. Anyway. I better go over to my place.
(Walks out)

James: Does he mean his place or his parents’ place?

Scene 3: James’ bedroom.

(James is sleeping. A faint banging noise can be heard. A louder banging noise can be heard. An even louder banging noise can be heard. James wakes up and yells. He then gets up and opens his window and gets hit by a rock that Raul threw.)

James: Raul! What on Earth do you want?

Raul: Dude! did you see the newspaper?

James: Why? Is there something important in it?

Raul: No. I just don’t have a subscription for the newspaper myself and I want to read the comics.

Scene 4: James’ Doorstep

(James walks out of the door and picks up newspaper. Raul walks over to James.)

James: You know. You could just get your own newspaper.

Raul: I did. I just got the New York Times by mistake.

James: There’s more to a newspaper than just comics.

Raul: I know, but the other stuff is just bad news. I mean just look at the articles. 10 people die in car crash.
100 people die in plane crash. 1000 people die in boat crash. I mean, there’s more to life than just bad news.

(James looks at the front page of the newspaper and sees that it says, “Local Coffee Shop Closes Down After Last Employee Quits.)

James: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (Passes out.)

Raul: What? Is Youtube now an illegal drug?

Scene 5: James’ House

James: I don’t believe it! That was our last cafe.

Raul: Eh. The coffee wasn’t that good anyway.

James: Where are we gonna get our coffee now?

Raul: How about the store?

James: You know. There are already plenty of vomiting type jokes in the first scene. I think the audience has their fill of vomiting jokes.

Raul: Well then why don’t we go to the next town over?

James: Because our town is surrounded by other towns with huge gang problems.

Raul: Are you trying to make this difficult?

James: I don’t think you realize how serious this is.

Raul: I don’t think you realize how serious this really is.

James: Yeah? Well you don’t realize how much damage a week without coffee can do to you.

Raul: I bet you 10$ I can go a week without coffee.

(Sign saying, “One Week Later.”)
Scene 6: James’ House one week later.

(James is watching T.V. Someone knocks on the door. James opens the door and sees that it’s Raul.)

Raul: Need. Coffee. Augh. (Falls over.)

James: Well. It looks like someone owes me 10$.

Raul: Don’t rub it in.

(Phone Rings. James picks up phone.)

James: (Pausing between sentences) Hello? No. No I don’t care. What? Of course not. Look. I. I have to go now. No. Look. I have a tired friend here and I need to… What? No way. What? Of course there’s no coffee problem. I just.. Look. Could you please just shut up. I just. What? Augh. We don’t want your bleepin charity! (Slams phone.) Jeez. Okay. Now let’s see. what to do about the coffee problem.

Raul: I’ve got an idea.

James: What?

Raul: Here. (Gets up and hands 2 bus tickets to James.)

James: Bus tickets? Raul. You don’t mean.

Raul: Yep. We’re going out of town.

James: Forget it.

Raul: Come on.

James: No. This is stupid.

Raul: Oh come on. What could go wrong?

James: There are gang wars throughout the whole county.

Raul: Oh come on! It’s just one bus ride. We ride to a Cafe out of the county. We get some coffee, and then we ride back. No biggy.

James: First of all, you probably don’t have any idea what a gang war even is. And second of all, did it come to your mind to get bus tickets for the way back.

Raul: Oh. So much for buying “Batman Beyond” season 1.

(Exits)

Scene 7: Alley out of Town

Raul: Stupid cafe. Stupid Bus Ticket. Stupid James. Now I have to go all the way back here and get more stupid bus tickets from the stupid gangs.

Gang Leader: Who ya callin stupid, “Roll?”

Raul: (Surprised.) Gary! How nice it is to see you.

Gary: Don’t get smart with me. You know what happens when you deal with the soda sackers. (Other gang members enter.) So you were just joking this time, but next time you won’t have something to laugh at.

Gang Member 1: Heh. Good one bo-

Gary: Shut up! Every time I crack a joke, you say “Heh. Good one boss.” We all know it’s good and we don’t need your bleepin charity! Jeez! (Turns attention to Raul.) Now, what is it that you wanted again?

Raul: Um. Two bus tickets that go back to the city of Hajalnu.
Gary: Like these? (Holds up two bus tickets to Hajalnu.)

Raul: Yes! Yes! Yes! That’s what I want. (Tries to grab bus tickets. Gary pulls tickets back before Raul can grab them.)

Gary: Ah. Ah. Ah. (Holds out hand that doesn’t contain the tickets.) Pay up first.

Raul: Ah. Well, you see, I kinda don’t have enough money.

Gary: Then you don’t get the dumb bus tickets to- Ugh. Why did they call that city Hajalnu, anyway? That doesn’t even sound american. More like German or Indian. Anyway, You don’t get them.

Raul: But I don’t even know where else bus tickets are sold.

Gary: Not my problem.

Raul: Guess I’ll have to do, THIS! (Punches Gary, grabs the tickets out of his hand and runs off. The other gangsters are about to chase him until Gary lifts his hand in front of them.)

Gary: Let him pass. We already sold him bus tickets to the next county. We’ll be waiting for him.