Characters
Jerry and Jeffrey, generic middle-aged men that can take many roles, should be played by identical twins.
Tom, A young doctor.
Sandra, A young nurse.

PROLOGUE

Setting: A small bridge outside an unspecific British town in the mid eighteen-hundreds.

[Jerry stands on the edge of the bridge, preparing to jump. He is wearing a suit that, while fancy, seems worn and untidy.]

JERRY
Alright, this is it Jerry. Your finally going to do something right.
[Jeffrey appears behind him. He is in disheveled clothing and is holding whiskey in a paper bag.]

JEFFREY
Good sir, what are you doing up there?

JERRY
I am going to kill myself.

JEFFREY
What? Why ever would you do that?

JERRY
My life is meaningless. I’ve been unemployed for three years. My wife took my kids away from me. I have no reason to live…

JEFFREY
Well now hold on. You did have a wife though, yes? And was she beautiful?

JERRY
Oh yes, the most beautiful woman in the world…

JEFFREY
My goodness, sir! You’re telling me that you got the most beautiful woman in the world to marry you, and you think you have no purpose in life?

JERRY
Well…

JEFFREY
And what of this unemployment. You did have a job at one point, I assume?

JERRY
Well yeah, I was a systems analyst—

JEFFREY
For heaven’s sake! You must be a genius to have held that position; I don’t even know what that is!

JERRY
You think so?

JEFFREY
Of course! That is simply unfair… my wife is ugly as sin and I can’t get any job outside the god damn supermarket.

JERRY
Well… I suppose my life isn’t all bad.

JEFFREY
[Now ignoring him.]
Jesus Christ, have a sunken below a man that wants to commit suicide? Perhaps I am the one who should be killing himself.

JERRY
[Steps down from ledge.]
Now hold on, I’m sure you’ve got some worth-while qualities as well.

JEFFREY
Well of course I don’t. I once punched a woman for taking a fry from my plate. I am truly a despicable human being! It would seem that I should be the one to die.
[He steps up on the ledge.]

JERRY
Hold on! There must be something you can do…

JEFFREY
I can’t even cook cereal correctly. No matter how early I take it out of the oven… I always manage to burn it!

JERRY
Sir, please, listen to me! You can’t take your life like this. What about your loving wife?

JEFFREY
“Loving”? My wife despises me. She married me after losing a bet with her friend.

JERRY
Well…

JEFFREY
Face it! My life is nothing! I must end it before the misery consumes me!
[Jeffrey jumps.]

JERRY
NOOOO!
[A pause.]

JEFFREY
Sir, are you still there?

JERRY
Hello? Where are you?

JEFFREY
Down here.
[Jerry looks over the edge of the bridge to see Jeffrey floating in the water.]

JEFFREY
It would seem that this bridge is only a few feet above the river.

JERRY
Huh.

JEFFREY
Would you like to join me for a coffee?

JERRY
Sure.

DEBATE CLUB

Setting: A barren dessert with nothing but sand and wind blowing. There are a few cacti around but besides that there is nothing.

JERRY
[Sitting in air.]
I am sitting on a rhino!

JEFFREY
Good sir, why have you mounted that ostrich?

JERRY
Ostrich? I think you are mistaken sir. For this is my rhino. She is a beauty, yes?

JEFFREY
She is beautiful, I agree, but my good sir, I’m afraid that is an ostrich.

JERRY
An ostrich? Ha! As if I would ever own an ostrich.

JEFFREY
But you do, though.

JERRY
I’m afraid you are deluded, sir, for this is a rhino.

JEFFREY
A rhino?

JERRY
Yes, a rhino.

JEFFREY
[Now also sitting in air]
But I am sitting on a rhino.

JERRY
[Gasps]
Where did you get that ostrich?

JEFFREY
Are you blind sir, this is a rhino!

JERRY
No this is a rhino. What you have there is an ostrich.

JEFFREY
No, no, no, you see, my rhino has a large body, and thus it is a rhino. Your ostrich has a short tail, and thus it is an ostrich.

JERRY
Ah, my good sir, you see, that is where you are mistaken. For ostriches have large bodies, and rhinos have short tails. Thus what you have is an ostrich, and what I have is a rhino.

JEFFREY
[Looks at Jerry, then down at his “animal”, then back at Jerry]
But that is an ostrich!

JERRY
[Covers his ears]
La la la, I can’t hear you over the chirping of your ostrich!

JEFFREY
No, no, no, you can’t hear me over the stomping of my rhino!

JERRY
This is a rhino! That is an ostrich!

JEFFREY
Wrong sir, for this is a rhino! That is an ostrich!

JERRY
Are you mentally deficit? How could you possibly think that is a rhino? You are sitting on it! Surely you can feel its curved body!

JEFFREY
I can feel its curved body because it is the curved body of a rhino!

JERRY
Ostriches have curved bodies!

JEFFREY
Maybe yours does.

JERRY
Mine is a rhino!

JEFFREY
Calm down good sir, if you want to ride an ostrich that is your business.

JERRY
Your mother is an ostrich!

JEFFREY
My mother is a rhino!—I mean—my mother is a person! You are an ostrich!

JERRY
Are you suggesting that you are riding me?

JEFFREY
No, I am riding a rhino!

JERRY
I’m sorry sir; I do not partake in the homosexual life style.

JEFFREY
Why don’t you go ride yourself!
[Two gunshots]

JEFFREY – JERRY
[Simultaneously]
My rhino!

TOM
Whoo! What a score, I love the taste of fresh giraffe meat.
[Tom pulls the dead animals away, leaving Jeffrey and Jerry sitting on the ground.]

JEFFREY
[Looks at Jerry]
Would you like to get a coffee?

JERRY
Yeah, okay.

FIGHT CLUB

Setting: A sparring arena in a martial arts training facility.

[Jeffrey and Jerry hold swords up to each other]

JERRY
On guard!
[Thrusts sword]

JEFFREY
On guard!
[Thrusts back]

JERRY
On guard?
[Thrusts again]

JEFFREY
ON guard!
[Thrusts back]

DRAMA CLUB

Setting: A small coffee house in modern times, Jerry and Jeffrey sit in a couch next to a window.

JERRY
Good sir, may I ask thee a question?

JEFFREY
Why of course.

JERRY
Am I unlovable? Is there something fundamentally unlovable about me? Hmm?

JEFFREY
Why no, my lad. I’d say you are very lovable.

JERRY
You’d say I’m very lovable?

JEFFREY
Very lovable indeed. Why would you think otherwise?

JERRY
Well, you see, my wife has left me.

JEFFREY
Oh, my friend, you have my condolences.

JERRY
Thank you.

JEFFREY
How long were you together?

JERRY
Ten years.

JEFFREY
Why ever would she leave you?

JERRY
I killed all of our children.

JEFFREY
Well, that hardly seems like a reason to throw away ten good years of marriage.

JERRY
I know right? She has so many rules. She never even told me I wasn’t allowed to! It’s not as if I can read minds.

JEFFREY
[Scoffs]
Women. She is clearly to blame for this separation. You know what I think?

JERRY
What do you think?

JEFFREY
I think you can do better.

JERRY
You think?

JEFFREY
I do think.

JERRY
I think you’re right.

JEFFREY
I think so too.

JERRY
Thank you.

JEFFREY
What about that girl over there?
[Points]

JERRY
That girl over where?
[Looks]

JEFFREY
That girl over there.
[Still pointing]

JERRY
That girl over there! I will talk to that girl over there.
[Jerry walks over to the girl, they talk for a moment inaudibly, and then the girl slaps him. He walks back to Jeffrey.]

JEFFREY
What happened over there?

JERRY
I asked to smell her hair.

JEFFREY
What a b****.

JERRY
I don’t even care.

JEFFREY
Would you like to get a coffee?

JERRY
Okay.

MUSIC CLUB

Setting: A small town in the middle of nowhere from the fifteen-hundreds.

[This is the singing portion of the play. All dialogue is sung.]

JEFFREY
My good sir, what a beautiful evening! My good sir what a beautiful day.

JERRY
Why yes, the birds, they are chirping, the babies, they are burping, nothing could make hope go astray!

JEFFREY
The sun, the sun, the sun shines on us all.

JERRY
We cannot deny its powerful call.

JEFFREY
But wait, what is that?

JERRY
The bushes are rustling; the people are cowering, what could it be?

JEFFREY
A monster! A monster! It must be a monster!

JERRY
[Not singing]
No, wait, it’s just a rabbit.

JEFFREY
[Still not singing]
Shoot it! Shoot it, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it!
[Jeffrey pulls out a gun and shoots the rabbit several times.]
[Pause, Jeffrey and Jerry stare at the rabbit in silence.]

JERRY
[The music suddenly starts up again as people start to emerge from their hiding places.]
[Singing again.]
Saved, we’re saved! The day has been saved!

JEFFREY
No need to fear for the monster is dead! Come now let’s take it and put a stake through its head.

JERRY
Drive it’s entrails through the sand, and stretch them like a rubber band!

JEFFREY
Its family, its family, we must find its family!

JERRY
Find them and shoot them until they are dead! Never again will they fill days with dread.

JEFFREY
Never fear people of this town, for this young man and I will take these monsters down!

JERRY
[The two of them mount horses and begin to ride away.]
Goodbye, goodbye, we are off to kill its family! We will drop in on their home like a loaded kamikaze!

JEFFREY
While we’re at it, my friend, would you like to get a coffee?

JERRY
Alright, then.

GRADUATION

Setting: Inside a mental ward. Jerry and Jeffrey are in strait jackets, standing side by side.

[Tom walks into the room.]

TOM
What is all this damn noise?

JEFFREY
Why hello good sir!

JERRY
Yes, hello, how are you?

TOM
Jerry, you need to go to bed.

JERRY
Why must I go to bed while Jeffrey stays awake?

JEFFREY
Is it not obvious? For I am the better of us. My time cannot be wasted by something like sleeping.

TOM
Jerry, remember what we talked about? Jeffrey isn’t real.

JEFFREY
I beg your pardon? I’m right here!

TOM
You are still Jerry. I’ve told you this before, Jeffrey is inside of you.

JERRY
That is ridiculous! I have told him before; I do not partake in homosexual relations.

JEFFREY
Are you out of your mind, Tom?

TOM
No, Jerry. Look Jeffrey is a part of you. You are both the same person.

JERRY
The same person?

JEFFREY
The same person?

JERRY
Jeffrey is inside of me? Well, my goodness, that would make me…
[A new person rises from the fog as Jerry and Jeffrey leave the stage]

JERJEFFREYRY
Jerjeffreyry!

TOM
Call yourself whatever you want, I’m going to bed.

JERJEFFREYRY
Goodnight.
[Tom goes into the hallway, Sandra walks by.]

SANDRA
Is Jerry alright?

TOM
I suppose, though he’s calling himself Jerjeffreyry now.

SANDRA
That’s rather odd.

TOM
It’s not just odd, it’s insanity. It’s a good thing places like this exist for people like that. They couldn’t function in normal society. They’re just nothing like the rest of us.

SANDRA
True, true. By the way, Tom, I heard about your wife.

TOM
[Shamefully]
Ah, you did?

SANDRA
My condolences.

TOM
Thank you.

SANDRA
I hope you aren’t blaming yourself; it was clearly all her fault.

TOM
Yes, of course, I know. Marriage never works.

SANDRA
Well hold on, just because it didn’t work for you doesn’t mean it won’t work for anyone.

TOM
Please, no one can remain faithful for that long.

SANDRA
Sure they can.

TOM
No, they can’t.

SANDRA
You’re just projecting your problems with your wife on the rest of us.

TOM
No I’m not. Marriage never works.

SANDRA
Wait, I think someone’s coming.

TOM
Don’t worry, it’s just a guard.

SANDRA
A guard?

TOM
A guard.

SANDRA
Huh. Want to get some coffee?

TOM
Sure.