Death | Teen Ink

Death

March 9, 2021
By Anonymous

Today I was at school and all of my friends started to look at me like I killed someone but little did they know I did kill someone. So the story starts off when I was in a hospital. If you are wondering why I was there it is because…. August 12, 1984, all my friends were walking downtown and it was pitch black. We went into Walgreens. It was really cold outside, so we shopped and shopped. Then we checked out and had a major food trying buffet. We were so close to the house when three grown men jumped out and kidnapped us and took us to this abandoned circus. We knew that if we talked or anything we would be “Bye, bye little guy.” and who wants that. So we got close to escaping but got got and so they decided that they were going to kill us. But luckily there were three of our guy friends there and 4 of my friends are girls. So as they were fighting them us girls got out of there and ran not thinking about the boys. 

“They are strong, we thought.”

So we ran out of the circus, into the woods, then in town, and back to my house. We all wanted to go back but we also did not want to die either. We waited at my house for four to five hours now and no signs of them. SO we decided we would go to the police station and report them. BUt when we got there we saw that the boys were already there but they were getting put into jail by the three men, and we thought it should be the other way around. So once they left we decided to tell the police man that those boys didn't do anything and the men that brought them in kidnapped us. 

“I would love to help but those men were very nice and I know because they are my best friends that catch kids like you for me."

As he said that we ran because sooner or later he was running right behind us. We went to a restaurant and asked,

“Can we stay here? People are chasing and looking for us.

“Oh… ok I mean sure you can but no wonder they are trying to kidnap you. You are worth a lot these days.”

I asked her “why am I worth so much.”

She said to me, “Because you know too much about people like me, you know I kidnap people especially like you” 

So I told my friends that I am going to run off and they stay here and act normal. So I ran off out of town, into the woods, and back into the circus. This time the circus was going and there were a bunch of people.  


The author's comments:

This is a great peice that you should read about a kid from school that kills someone and then get's kidnaped.


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This article has 4 comments.


on Mar. 14 2021 at 9:50 pm
SparrowSun ELITE, X, Vermont
200 articles 23 photos 1053 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It Will Be Good." (complicated semi-spiritual emotional story.)<br /> <br /> "Upon his bench the pieces lay<br /> As if an artwork on display<br /> Of gears and hands<br /> And wire-thin bands<br /> That glisten in dim candle play." -Janice T., Clockwork[love that poem, dont know why, im not steampunk]

thats... strong. i do agree on the grammar point though, and the characters could use fleshing out.

on Mar. 14 2021 at 9:48 pm
CrystalMelody GOLD, X, Other
11 articles 1 photo 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
"um?"-me ;9

oh, and you could offend people that only the boys are fighting.

on Mar. 14 2021 at 9:46 pm
CrystalMelody GOLD, X, Other
11 articles 1 photo 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
"um?"-me ;9

k i wrote that only one sentance in. more hopefully non offensive feedback if you don't mind: again, consider more punctuation. it was also very this happened then this happened and this is and explain why. you could consider slowing down to introduce the characters, feeling them out, and add backstory and emotions thruout. it was hard to follow and i didn't get an explination why they killed someone or what was happening. the "bye bye, little guy." felt misplaced, it was an attempt at feeling casual and more natural in a very formal(if confusing) essay story. the concept has a lot of merit, try rewriting it and give reasons, emotions, and characters. maybe also cut down the characters, 7 is a lot. in summary: the plot was good, had it made sense. actually, it was sort of just a plot. again, plz dont be offended i dont mean to be rude.

on Mar. 14 2021 at 9:38 pm
CrystalMelody GOLD, X, Other
11 articles 1 photo 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
"um?"-me ;9

feedback(constructive critism dont take it the wrong way: your literal first sentence had poor grammar and instantly lost interest. try: 'Today when I was at school, all of my friends started to look at me like I killed someone. Little did they know I actually did kill someone.' it also has a dull indifferent tone and awkward phrasing. if i wrote it it would sound like this: 'i jumped off the bus and walked into school with a lot on my mind. i distractedly walked over to my friend group and greeted them with unfocused eyes. they didn't respond, but rather stared at me. it was as if they knew i killed someone, or rather, as if i had killed someone. they couldn't possibly know!' no offense, it sounded like an essay. something like that has more feeling and instant personality. plz dont take it the wrong way I'm just trying to be helpful.