*Bittersweet Misconceptions* I can't sleep. I cannot close my eyes but I can't stand what I see when it is dark. I thought if I had painted my room black, I would stop seeing them; but I can not be so lucky in these moments. My room no longer smells heavily of what was a black liquid days before. As I lay here, it smells, so bittersweet, of nicotine and vanilla perfume. What is supposed to be a reassuring smell, a smell of home and safety, is neither. In fact it is the latter of. I know this smell so well; my clothes and body reek of it no matter how many times I wash my clothes or how hard I scrub my body. Yet, I want it to stay with me, because then I know, danger and pain along with fear are waiting for me when I arrive home. But now, as I lay here, the only comfort I have is not from the softness of my bed, because it is not. Or the warmth of the blankets, because they are not. But from the heavy rain on the outside of my window and the wind slipping through the window pane, gently touching my hair in a comforting manner. The thunder is just a dull roar in the distance. However, the lightning brings flashes of them. The shadows that is. They climb across the walls up to the ceiling and behind my headboard where they wait for me to finally sleep so they can bring the dreams. The dreams that make Declan, my brother, come and wake me so the screaming will stop. I'm more afraid to sleep tonight than ever before. My thoughts are getting more vivid and I'm aware that they are bad... to some people. But they are what is normal for me and I don't want to change them. How could I betray Declan like that? He's taught me so much of what I know. He is almost twenty one and its been two year since we left. From the time I was fifteen two years ago, to me now at seventeen, he has taught me so well. I have knowledge because of him. Knowledge that needs to be seen with action. He deserves to be proud, if of nothing else, at the very least, me. And that is why I am going to make him proud. How, I am not quiet sure. I can assure myself though, that he will be proud. He taught me to be this way and to think the way he does. Now I will put the knowledge he so generously gave me in to action In just a few days. As for now, I am going to take care of myself. These hideous freckles will be gone. He will not only be proud; but be proud of his soon to be beautiful sister for continuing, two years later, what he started eight years ago. *Right Back At It Again* They are gone. Hours later. My freckles are gone. One by one, I took them off. I am sure It would not have taken so long, maybe half the time, if the broken mirror was not so dull. I was not self-harming per say but there was blood obviously. I mean how could there not be? I was literally cutting my horrid freckles off my body! It was an easy clean up for me because I sat in the claw-foot tub. Such a beautiful antique looking piece in our home. It hurt to make a mess in the poor thing, but then again; beauty is pain and that was the price I had to pay to pay to accomplish my goal of making Declan proud. It was a start, a steeping stone if you may, to that goal and it would be reached. I hate the strangers. Though I have mastered the art of being a pleasant person. Fake of course because with such horrid thoughts such as these playing out in my head, I could never truly be a pleasant person. Being pleasant is not for me. I do not need to be pleasant because I am content who who I am and the way I am. The crumb of happiness in my life, only exists in Declan's smile. A charming thing really. I requested the day off from my job as a photographer. I need to come up with a plan. That plan has to fit that of Declan's, started eight years ago and now because of me, is being continued two years after we left home together. He's been gone for a few weeks now....but I see him around town and he calls sometimes. I'm going to get him to come back home. When I was seven, making my beloved brother eleven, I had several animals I considered pets. He killed them in gruesome ways but I was not affected. It was a rush for me to see the animals for example... the fat squirrel I named Rufus, hanging from the tree in our backyard dripping blood. If you stood close enough, you could feel the heat radiate off the fat little beast just thinking about it gives me the chills over and over again. I was going to use the gruesome things I learned from Declan to get him to come back home. Why he left, he said a business trip. But I am not an ignorant seventeen year old, teenage girl. He taught me better than that. I learned more in a harsh but benefiting way. He killed animals. A lot of animals. I was not going to be a copy cat killer. He was creative in the way he did things. If I wanted to please him, I would have to also be creative. I would not kill any animals. I didn't mind Declan killing them but I personally, do not want to kill animals. I could but I won't. Maybe that's what you expected me to do...? Why would I kill an animal when that is damn near the only thing to make me cry during a movie? Who am I going to kill? What am I going to kill? Why do I need to kill something to bring Declan back home? When, and how will I kill? *A step or two; For Him* I actually got out today. I actually left I and Declan's apartment. Sadly, he was still not home. He's been gone for weeks and it is killing me. I DID however, see my big brother at the gym, where I went today. I figured I would workout. Stay fit. I have to be able to handle the fights that come with my plan. We talked. I convinced him to come home just for a few hours, later tonight to have dinner and maybe watch a movie. Catch up. He was after all, my brother who had been gone for at the very least, two months. I stopped counting after I realized he wouldn't be the one to wake me up from the dreams or tell me the shadows were gone. It would be myself. Though I know I have been screaming for hours before I evidently woke up on my own. Oh how I must have scared the neighbors. It is a wonder they do not come around. Maybe I should invite them for dinner as well? Maybe come up with a lie? Apologize for being such a disturbance and tell them I am now on medications for the nightmares though I would never put a drug in my body. Never would a drug control my life. But if that's what it takes... It is now 4:30 P.M and the Italian dinner I have prepared is in the oven staying warm at a low temperature. Italian because there is a lot of seasoning that gives the food its own flavor. And you can never exactly tell what is what in the dish. Unless of course, you cooked it yourself. Declan and the neighbor couple, Mr. & Mrs. Bowen, would arrive in three and a half hours. The excitement in my veins was like a temporary high that I did not want to go away. To get my mind off things I've turned up the stereo a bit and have decided to do more cleaning... again. Then, I will take a shower and attempt to look decent. The marks from where I removed my freckles have subsided. They can barely be seen. There are some more violent ones but, if my clothes do not hide them, makeup, I'm sure will. For a night like this, I do need a mask anyway. Something to hide behind. Three hours later. I've vacuumed four times, moped twice, and have repeatedly dusted the wood and bleached anything and everything white along with bathing and preparing myself. The apartment is tainted with the smell of chemicals and cleanliness along with the more pleasant smell of Italian food. A promising smell for the nights events. Not the smell of nicotine and vanilla perfume like I am so used to and aware of, This new mixture of scents is out of my norm. It is now 7:10 P.M. I hear the sound of footsteps on the stairs outside of the apartment along with a slight giggle. Did Declan bring a date perhaps? I would not mind another guest. Really. The more the better, for my experience anyway. I hear them getting closer and closer. Now I can tell it is indeed not Declan and a date but Mr. and Mrs. Bowen. I now realize how strange the night is going to be. A seventeen year old teen age girl cooking dinner for a young married couple of around the same ages as Declan, so I am going to leave here as they will be knocking any moment now. *Landslide* I heard that knock upon my door. Steadily, I opened the big wooden door and bore a smile so big, I felt it like it was Declan's. Mr. and Mrs. Bowen both smiled back as I introduced myself as Hudson Dannon. I received a nod and a firm handshake from Chris, or Mr. Bowen if you insist; and a gentle hug from Ronnie, Mrs. Bowen if you also insist. But please don't. I would much rather you be comfortable with these people rather than just familiar. It makes things much more interesting by then end of my final and last entry. After the night has ended I will have nothing more to write about. Moments after Chris and Ronnie arrived, Declan walked through the door. I was so accustomed to him not being here, I forgot he had a key. So, as he walked out of the kitchen with several bottles of wine in an ice bucket, I introduced him as Declan Dannon. They greeted eachother and Declan poured the wine and handed it to the friendly couple. After the meet and greet and a few moments of chitter chatter, I brought the food to the dinning table and Declan served it. Ronnie, she oohed and aahed over the look and fragrance while Chris sat smiling at her and agreeing. I hoped it tasted all right, but then again, it did not really matter the taste. As long as they took a bite or two. I'm sure if they did not like the taste they would eat a bit and use the excuse they had a big lunch or she is trying to watch her figure. But the more they ate the better! I did not want to waste my hard work on the dinner and have to pitch it. Surely a homeless man or starving rat would find it. Surely they would die. I offered them all salads as an appetizer but they denies it claiming they had to save room for desert. So, I started the dinning by taking the first bite of my salad. It was like a chain reaction. One by one they started eating. Ronnie and Chris looked as if they were fully enjoying the taste. Ronnie even said it had amazing flavor and Chris agreed. Chris was getting a bit under my skin. He was like her dog. He followed her everywhere she went and always agreed with what she said. Ronnie, well... she was a beautiful creature or sorts. Just to perky for my likings. Always smiling and laughing. It looked as though one time, she even winked at Decaln. I laughed to myself. They have no chance. No chance. I could not help it. It was just to funny not to laugh at such a gesture. Especially under the circumstances. Ronnie was first. We were about halfway through the meal. She was about to take another bite but instead, she slowly sat her fork down In her plate and excused herself to the bathroom. Declan and Chris were talking to one another and I was intently listening and watching their reactions as they spoke. A few times, Chris blinked heavily claiming his contacts were bothering him and then excused himself to check on his wife and wash his eyes out. As he left the room Declan looked my way and I smiled. He smiled back of course. Mr. and Mrs. Bowen came back into the dinning room and took their seats. Ronnie was leaning against Chris on his shoulder as she was talking to me. Not so enthusiastic as before. Chris acting the same way. As was Declan. It was all going over so smoothly. Then Chris got a nose bleed and Ronnie started shaking. Declan was always so good at hiding pain but I knew better. I was just about to as if she was feeling alright as I handed Chris a napkin for his nose; then she let out the loudest scream I have ever heard. Declan flinched. As he did, I reached towards him and gave him a gentle shove as if it was just horseplay. But he fell out of his chair onto the floor. He was scratching the floor with his nails causing his hands to split and bleed. Scratching as hard as he was, there were splinters in his hand. Poor beautiful floor he had just ruined. I wonder if blood will stain the wood? I watched my brother for a few moments as I continued to eat my salad. I looked up at the Bowen's who were still in a sitting position with both their eyes and head rolled back. I had prepared such a nice meal for the night. And I would finish my salad. As I did finish, I began to clear the dinning table. My guests had finished quiet a bit of their meal so it would do. I cleared the dishes and washed them. I was after all, by myself. Nobody living was with me. Besides my guests my house was almost back to normal. The smell was not quiet the same. Mrs. Bowen's perfume had evidently over powered the smell of cleanliness a while back. I went to the small narrow hallway near my bed room. There stood a small table with a pack of Newports. Menthol cigarettes for those who are reading and have never tasted such and amazing thing. I walked to my room and changed into some skinny jeans an oversized hoodie and some black converse. I sprayed my vanilla perfume. I was going out for a bit. My house was just not right yet. I put a cigarette in my mouth and lit it. That smell. It was now a good thing. Vanilla perfume and nicotine. So sweet. I walked back down the hallway and through the dinning room. Waving goodbye to my guest. I would return shortly. As I walked past Declan, I looked at his bloodied face. He left me, knowing I needed him most in times like this. He became selfish and left. He deserved everything. Now the Bowen's... they were just part of the plan to get Declan to come home for a bit. Though, it was quiet nice seeing them! That scream was so nice I must admit. A nice touch to the moment. After I left, I went and picked up a few things and went on a walk. Now, I am back home. My room is filled with movement as I sit on my floor and play with my new puppy. I have wanted one for so long. But now I don't have to worry about Declan. Such a sweet and cute little basset hound! So friendly. Rufus, he even greeted my guests. Now I sit here holding him in my lap and writing this last entry. At the end of the night, I have to say, you can't just leave me like Declan did and not expect something to happen. Especially if you teach me everything I know. My brother basically killed himself. At the end of the night, I have to say I am a pretty good cook. I am just glad they enjoyed the meal... up until the end. A good cook nevertheless!