I sat on the edge of my bed, staring at the wall blankly. It had been 13 hours and he still hadn't come home. Tears streamed down my face for reasons I was unsure of. Fear of the unknown whispered into my ear telling me that nothing would ever be the same. At the time, I didn't know what it meant or what to expect the next morning. But knowing now, nothing anyone could have said would have prepared me.

The next morning I woke up to the screams and sobs of my siblings. Somehow I already knew why, but that didn't change the fact that I couldn't wrap my mind around it. My mom was right there as I opened my eyes. “He's gone. Im sorry.” she whispered, looking into my sad puppy-dog eyes.The same eyes of a young girl whos now deceased father who wouldn't be there to see her grow up. His eyes wouldn’t look sternly into those of her first boyfriend. He wouldn't watch her walk up on stage with a cap and gown. He wouldn't keep watch into her eyes and wipe away her tears before walking her down the aisle. His eyes would never meet hers again.

With those four words I knew the whole story. I realized then that  there was nothing anyone could do to fix this, to fix me. I didn't really know what I was supposed to do next. I looked into a mirror on the wall as my face turned red and I began choking on my tears, the pull on my heart was just too strong. Just being in that house was painful, anywhere I turned a memory of him haunted me, making sure I never got a break.

I didn't understand why this happened to my family. I had been told there's always something good that comes out of the bad, that was all believable until now. I thought I understood pain before, I did not. Nothing before this was painful.

My siblings rushed into my room, hearing my cries. It was all a blur but I could tell they were also in pain. I hadn't spoken a word yet, my lips were sealed. I had so many things to say but at the same time nothing needed to be said. How do you respond to hearing that your father commited suicide? What do you say after hearing that he took his own life, thinking it would have been better for you? What do say when you know there was something you could have done to stop this knowing if you had just reminded him once more that you loved him— he might have stayed? You don't, there's nothing to say except to ask your mom to drive you to school, hoping to have some extra time to get yourself together.