I could hear my heart beat, so loud, so preposterous. Thud. Thud. Thud. My pulse getting louder, the rush of blood to my head increasing its speed, my eyes dilating, my legs quivering. His fist came and banged on my desk, his beady eyes locked at my face. I felt fear sting my spine, a bead of sweat roll down my back. I knew he was going to be awfully rude as usual.
“So he left you. Weren’t you both in love”, he said making sarcastic gestures when he spoke the word “love”. What did he know? He wasn’t a part of the relationship, for all I knew he was a loveless dog. One of those back-seater students he found joy in picking on other peoples insecurities as they had tons of their own. Bad grades, a few friends, an intolerant attitude, lacking character and highly arrogant parents. I didn’t blame him for his arrogance to humanity and appalling manners. I felt sorry for him, even though I was terrified of him.
Trying to block his comment out of my head, I got of my seat with the ambition to leave the classroom. His arm blocked my way; I knew what I was in for now.
“He’s with Sarah now, how stupid can you get? Thinking a jock with his popularity and looks would go for a complete looser like you, save yourself the trouble and come to peace with the fact that ugly curly haired freaks like you don’t get lucky”, he said provoking me, heartless.
I looked at him straight in the eye, blood shot. Holding back my tears, bottling up the pain, the anger.
He just smirked and left the class, leaving me with doubts, questions, feelings, all unanswerable. I walked straight to the bathroom, in one of the slots and water sprang like a spring from my eyes. “Ugly haired freak” “Don’t get lucky” “Ugly haired freak” “Don’t get lucky”. Repeating, getting louder each time. I wanted to scream, shout pull him to the ground and bury him beneath it. I felt the urge to tear down the doors of the bathroom, to smash the sinks. I wanted to slap Trevor for breaking my heart, for even occurring the words “I love you”, that liar, that deceiver, what had I done to him, who was he to come play with my heart and then leave scarring me , leaving me answerable to everyone. He had no idea what I had to face. I envied Sarah, that pretty scumbag, I was sure that she came on to Trevor while I was with him, that cheat. I wanted to tear her face into shreds, rip her hair of her head, and laugh at the blood that would pour down. All that physical pain would not be able to counter or come to the level of pain that they had caused me. I wanted to hurry home, only two classes were left, just an hour and then I could walk into my room and under my covers, away from all the torture and no one to face.
I washed my face and stared hard at the mirror, I hated god, hated him for giving me such a repulsive face, for giving me “curly” hair that was considered unattractive. What had I done to deserve such ugly looks, why did I not deserve beauty? That was me, unlucky me.
I walked across the corridor at the brink of my feelings and then the final tipping point came. I saw Trevor, holding Sarah like he once held me. Looking at her like he looked at me, telling her she’s beautiful like he did to me once. It meant nothing to him, I questioned his humanity. All those compliments, moments of un-awkward silences, late night long calls, the passionate kisses , bullshit, all of it. There was no forever and always, and I was a fool for thinking so.
Nothing meant anything to him, but it meant everything to me. I sat in History, recalling the entire walk through the corridor in my head, watching it over and over again, replaying it. He didn’t even look at me as I passed by, as if he never recognized me, to him I had disappeared into the mist of air around them, just a commoner like the rest that passed by. What happened to our history? Had it vanished as well, did it not leave behind any memories in his mind, because they were fresh in mine, just like the scars, just like the cuts on my arms and legs.
I was counting the seconds, the minutes; the clock was ticking in my head. I just wanted to get home, and escape from it all. The bell rang, finally, and in the next twenty minutes I was in my room.
I threw myself on the bed, crying, moaning, and screaming into my pillow. I wanted to go back and fix it all, I wanted to go back and pause my world in that moment in time with Trevor. Where we faced the world together, where I was beautiful, where I felt beautiful.
I looked at the mirror from my bed, stared hard at my features, those ugly features. I threw my shoe at it, shattering it, I did not want to see such heavy defiance of beauty. My tears streamed at my foolishness, and my doomed luck. I was lured into the fallen crushed pieces of the mirror. I stared in that piece. Maybe makeup would help. I took the eye liner and colored my eyes ruthlessly with it, pushing it into my eyes, it hurt. Next was the lipstick, it smeared it all over my mouth, spread it on the corner of my mouth and all over my lips, like a toddler gone loose with a crayon. My mouth was red and black. See makeup didn’t even help, I looked like a clown. It was all because I was born with unappealing looks and you can’t change what gods given you.
Who wants to live if they aren’t happy? How can you be happy if there is no beauty in you, they were right I was a “freak”, an idiot, an ugly piece of worthless used crap. I didn’t want to live either, because there was no beauty, there was no happiness. There was only pain and suffering, and it was best said before as well, “it is better to die then to live in torture”. There was no hope, because hope is beautiful and I wasn’t, which the only reason Trevor left me was, because he realized how ugly I was and how he could do so much better. It was now or never, and just like a line struck on a white paper, I cut my wrist with the same piece of glass that reflected my foulness.
I sat there watching the blood pour and with it all my worries, I was relieved. The end of it all was here. Now the pain would end, now an ounce of ugliness from the world would be abolished as I was leaving, another soul lost. Now I would not need to care about how ugly I was and all that my unappealing face had cost me. Now there would be no one to answer as I would be in my own world, in my own un-wakeable slumber at peace, with no Trevor, no Sarah, no memories, no scars, no anxiousness and best of all no pain. I had finally found my way out.