When I was little I used to watch all the girls with makeup, and wonder why I hate it so much. I used to think about how I think those girls were beautiful, and how I wanted to know them emotionally. Around my freshman year I began experimenting with my sexuality, and the physical attraction I had towards females, and how it was wrong. I began teaching obedience and behavior the way they train animals. My religion, peers, and myself couldn’t accept me, they wouldn’t so I hid. I have hidden some of my deepest relationships from the world because I was ashamed. I have been involved with men because it’s easier lying about my sexuality than the hate that comes along with me accepting it. So here I am, I want all my past relationships to know, no you did not turn me gay, it has nothing to do with you as a person. I just am not emotionally or sexually attracted to you in a relationship way. I now want to apologize to myself for being terrified of who I am.

I am a sixteen year old girl, almost seventeen. I hate makeup, I hate looking pretty for men, I hate kissing boys, and holding their hands. But I love myself. I am a sixteen year old girl who Is crying every night, trying to convince myself I am not who I am, But I am a sixteen year old girl who is now brave to say I am gay. To my fellow Christians, I know you do not agree with who I am, but I hope you can accept me for it. To my peers; you will never be my biggest critic, for I have hated myself with all the worlds passion combined. To my past lovers; I care about you, I just am not attracted to you, and I have tried. To my family; I came out once, and I ran back in. I am sorry if that confused you, I just couldn’t love my self. To myself, I love myself more than anyone else. I will accept and love myself, and I am sorry that I never loved myself before. To the world, I am not ashamed.