There is a very ugly rumor floating about that has said through some people, that people who are Autistic or in my case Asbergers prefer, and often want to be alone; this statement is a total misunderstanding which comes from the fact the name Autism in Latin means alone. To a regular functioning person it means that we feel lonely all the time because we do not want any friends or social life and hide in a hole in the ground like Bilbo Baggins. However, people like me do want and desire to be a part of social life but in our hearts is a deep-seated fear of being rejected, manipulated, or being told we are awkward or we cannot be friends. That is what makes us feel, as if we are alone, even though there are so many people in the world who just want to be your friend but we always wonder…if I become this person’s friend, will they be nice or will they turn on me? This is our weakness, we have trouble assessing because this weakness is a part of our impairment. I was told many times not to pick my friends and judge people but in a world where you do not know who is pleasant and who is foul I have to judge a person based on what they say and how they treat me as a person; but never do I judge a person based on physical attributes. I judge and pick out people because of their actions and understanding of what I like and appreciate yet repeatedly even if I like a person I ‘am told that people have to have interest in me in order to become your friend. Yet I know that friendship must be developed over time, it does not come as cupid’s arrow, but is built around a person like a building. It makes me wonder, why people have all these boxes for different people who are just friends.

For a very long time I was taught that, different people who you meet are placed in different social rings that are in the shape of a dartboard. The center ring is your parents and your family, second are the people not related that you should still trust, the third ring are your best friends, and the final ring are known as colleges and aquatints friends. I never understood why I should see friendship in this way, to me anyone that was nice and trusted you and all your flaws was a friend. That was until I was teased and harassed for not having just a friend no matter what gender but a boyfriend. One time I was forced to write a love letter to a person that I was friends with because he was a guy that I really liked; sadly because I wrote this letter he felt as if he was being staked and felt wearied out because I mentioned not being his friend but loving him. After that letter, I was told not to meet him or talk to him again, which is why I do not care for having a romantic-like relationship with a person whom is a male, just a friendship. However, this is a constant social pressure put on young woman and even girls, that they all deserve that handsome man that should love them and can only get it though flirting, singing, letters, and gifts…and it’s not just Disney films that have this message even comedies and dramas play out the love-can-be-yours-if-you-do this scenario constantly. Sadly, this message and motto can be dangerous for both sexes no matter if they are impaired or not; for men it’s dangerous because it teaches men to change their ideal self and become handsome and conform to the standards, for women its worse because teaches them that a man’s opinion, wants, needs, and desires are more important than yours. Apparently, Merida from Brave made the right decision to be single because sadly in real life girls who date boys in High School and then get married will have an even harder decision when they mature and want more out of life. Therefore, girls at this age are sometimes not ready for a romantic or marital relationship…That is why Misty from the second Pokemon movie says very firmly that Ash and Brock are her friends not boyfriends. This is a cartoon for kids from Japan, a culture where a woman’s body should be respected and even revered, and limits are set on what men can or cannot do to a woman. In addition, the Japanese have better acknowledgement of girls just having men as friends. Our country, not so much and for an Autistic or Asbergers person it is hard to understand friendship when people find you awkward.

I grew up in an era where Barney, weather you liked him or not was popular and every day a group of happy children played with him, not sure, if he ate the kids who were depressed or scared, but every single one of those kids was friends with the purple monstrosity. I hated the show because it made me feel worse about being an individual with Asbergers because he always mentioned friendship as an important value and that everyone that has friends has a happy family-like relationship: I love you/ you love me/ were one great big family. It made me angry and worthless when he sang that song but then I realized I was right when my parents filed for divorce. Not all friends are family and not all families can be your friends and this was very hard to realize but I knew it all along. Relationships are like buildings; some you have to tear down and leave, some you have to rebuild, and sometimes you must have time to rebuild yourself and the buildings around you that you are close to you. I am always trying to rebuild and understand myself, and now I know what buildings to leave and what new buildings I can build with others and this taught me how to have good relationships even with Asbergers. I do not want a romantic relationship or a purple dinosaur, all I want is just a friend who appreciates who I am and recognizes both my strengths and weakness. This is all I want, and I might be almost there.