From the time I was very little I felt like I was a bit different from everyone else. Sometimes, yes I know it's silly, thought I was a boy. I remember trying to put an outfit together from my regular clothes in my closet to look like boy’s clothes, and my cousin telling me to try to look like a girl. I wasn’t all that interested in it. Even though I thought this, I knew I still liked boys.
    

Then I got older; I started having feelings for girls as well. I noticed it around fifth grade. I started realizing I felt for girls the way I felt for guys. That summer I went to church camp and made one pretty good friend. I really liked her. I liked her-liked her, but never told her because I was afraid. She was very nice so I decided to tell her about who I was. I told her I thought I was bi-sexual. She didn’t talk to me much after that. When I went home after church camp that week my mom told me we needed to talk. She told my one of the kids from church camp told one of the counselors I was bi-sexual. My heart dropped. She tried to talk to me about it, but I denied everything. I told her someone made it up. She asked why someone would do that and I told her I had no idea.
    

In sixth grade I got bullied a lot for my weight and let it get me really down. That mixed with me not knowing who I was and generally disliking myself - I started cutting. I also started seeing a therapist. My mother actually went to the school to talk to the principle about what was going on. The principle didn’t do a thing. – Until my mom wrote her an email saying if she didn’t ensure safety from bullying at my school shed talk to the state. She did something then. Those kids never bothered me again and a few even apologized.
    

The feelings continued on to seventh grade. The worst year! I had started hooking up with girls even though they were straight and just curious. I came out to my best friend. She was totally cool with it, though! Only thing is that same friend went on to betray me about things that had to do with my sexuality. That year a new girl came to our school. She pretty much thought she was all that and a bag of chips. Don’t get me wrong, she was very cute, but thought she was above everyone else. My friend ended up hanging out with her and ignoring me altogether. Later on that year we talked very little, but enough for me to ask the new girl to come see a movie and stay the night with me so we could get to know each other. And believe me when I say we got to ‘know’ each other. After the movie that night we kind of hooked up. It was fun, but it didn’t really mean anything because I knew she was straight. The next week I told my friend about it and told her not to tell the new girl I’d told her-Of course she did! The new girl denied everything and I don’t blame her. My friend should have kept her mouth shut and I shouldn’t have told her anyway. The whole situation started to eat at me little by little and my cuts started leaving scars. I had a hate club made about me on Facebook, it said “I’ll make your life hell you lesbian b****!!!” I also got a note in my locker saying I was a worthless lesbian that no one would ever love. Both girls got suspended, which was good, but that didn’t change how horrible I felt about myself. I started thinking about suicide. I hated everything that I was. The worst thing was that my best friend had helped her. Not only did she not stand up for me - She even helped her! She wrote some things on the note about me, too. I felt like what they said was true, I knew it was true. I told my therapist everything that was going on and she read one of my poems.  The poem was about another one of my friends. She had showed some of her friends a private note I’d written to her and humiliated me. I know she just did it to get attention but that didn’t make me feel any better. The poem, I admit, was horrible. It said things about how I couldn’t wait until ‘she’ died and wanted to see her insides, but the poem wasn’t completely about her; it was more or less me just venting and wanting to kill the emotions I had inside.
    

My therapist took my poem and showed it to my parents. She told them the whole story of my “friends” and I. She outed me to them. My mom and dad said I’d never have friends stay the night again. My mother even told me it didn’t matter if I was gay because I’d never get married in this state. Later on she said she didn’t care what I did after I graduated, but I’d have no girlfriends or go on dates with them-“Not under my roof!” Gays go to hell, you know? That’s what her bible says so it must be true. We must spend our lives hurting other people and putting them down to please the big man in sky; when the truth is not a damned one of us knows for sure until we die. That’s my opinion at least. She made me feel terrible about myself. I cried myself to sleep every night because I believed her and she’d began to make me hate myself even more. I got an anti-depressant prescribed to me but it didn’t help as much as I wish it would have. It did help keep me off the edge though.
         

I left my school and went to a new one for my eighth grade year. They were right when they said you can’t run from your problems. They follow you and there will be mean people everywhere you go. I made a couple friends there but was bullied, too. I got sucker punched for having to sit in one girl’s seat because there was nowhere else to sit. I wish I hadn’t hit her back, which made me as bad as she was. I should have just kept walking, but I’m not that strong. I ended up getting in the same amount of trouble as her. I got a comment on Instagram asking “How did you like getting you’re a** kicked on the bus?” Not only was her comment hurtful but inaccurate as well. That girl got in trouble, too. I did get my first girlfriend that year that was very good for me. I really loved her and still do but we don’t get to see each other much now.
    

My mom made me go to church camp with our church. I talked to our preacher because I thought that maybe he could fix me. I didn’t know then that I wasn’t broken.

He talked to me and showed me what god said in the bible about “homosexuals”.  He told me to pray and I did, but all I could do was cry. Deep down I knew I couldn’t change the way I felt and no amount of prayer would either. For a few days after that I thought maybe god had fixed me, but I was wrong. So I decided to try to accept myself. It has been very hard, but I’m doing my very best. Now days my mother denies my sexuality all together, she won’t even talk about it. She used to make me cry about it. Guess she finally gave up on that after seeing me break down and telling her I felt like a horrible person for the being the way I am. Later she tried to dismiss it. “It’s just a phase” “You don’t know who you are yet” I’d been forced out of the closet, punished for admitting to who I was, then been pushed back in the closet, denied, but continued getting punished. It’s miserable! I just wanted to stay out and see the sun! After all, my skin was looking a little pale.
   

This is my long winded way of trying to make a point and share my story. The point I am trying to make is that you should never (under any circumstances) bully and always be yourself! Never let anyone put you down for being yourself! You are worthy and beautiful, you deserve the life you were given! – Embrace it fearlessly! If you “Come Out”, just Stay Out! Closets are for clothes not people! If you or someone you know is being bullied stand up for them and yourself. Don’t be afraid to talk to a trusted adult. I know adults that refused to make a difference so I had to do it on my own. I want all of you to know you are strong enough to do that if you have to. My New Year’s Resolution is to make a difference in my community and one day the world! I especially want to help the kids and teens who are LGBT and those who are just hurting. I can’t do any of this alone, no single person can. Everyone has to work together to make the difference. Please help us make a difference!