I have once been a victim of the propaganda of name-calling. References to  “Olla” [my aunt] and their contempt for her form caused me to have a negative self-image and problems with my developing body. This word still haunts my memory when I look in the mirror. Being the odd one out when it comes to my shape, my body image was naturally hazy. I would feel my throat close at the mention of my weight. I would lose my appetite due to the growing sadness I felt taking over as they congratulated me for simply eating. My plate observed totally, my legs complimented backhandedly, and my waist judged shamelessly, I look in the mirror with a thousand thoughts, only one positive. But don’t cry, I would have to answer their questions and feel their pity.  There may be no genuine hate behind these words, but the connotation it is used in makes me question their intention. The question is if there was one word or name to describe me, what would it be? I  hope it would be along the lines of skilled or determined. My weight is not what makes me. I’m tired of people getting away with body shaming. Why must they assume I want to hear these remarks every time I wear clothes that hug my figure? Should I change my clothing style so that their eyes will finally meet mine? Look up, above my shoulders! What do my eyes say? Is my awkward smile confusing, leading them to believe that they are making appropriate comments? I am haunted by a negative self-image. So haunted even my mirror witnesses my trouble following me like a heavy cloud. I should open my mouth and express my feelings, but I am scared. Part of me believes it to be true. Maybe I am “poor” in terms of weight.

I notice that these distasteful comments, from both others and me, have a pattern. Incorrect assumptions and unrealistic self-criticisms. I know these all too well. The incorrect assumption is that praising my appearance will make me pleased. The unrealistic self-criticism that “My body is ugly” and “My shoulders are too wide.” Now that I have identified my triggers, I will continue to the other steps like a 12 - step alcohol recovery. The second step is to manage emotional reactions to comments on my body. I must help them to understand that they made a mistake. I will not get my message across if I react emotionally and let out the scream I've been holding in for years. The third step is to use positive affirmations. “This body is beautiful”, and “my feelings matter”, since sayings like these work eventually, right? Next is to learn to love myself, and I've been working on this step for a while. I believe self-love starts from getting to know myself without the interference of others. As tough as it may be, I have to set their thoughts of me aside and escape to my Self-Love Zone. This zone had been abandoned since I was fourteen years old. I have to clear the dust and start anew for the sake of my mental health. The final step is to understand why. Why must I let their words pierce my heart? Why must I cry to myself as I stare into the mirror for more than 5 minutes? Why must I run to my room with my plate of food and eat isolated? The answer is that I shouldn’t. I need a complete cleansing of my thought system and to become better at communicating my feelings. This process starts now.