“ If you expect disappointment then you can never truly be disappointed” 

the exact opposite of the definition of expectation. 

Expectation  is the belief that someone will or should accomplish something. 

“ Mija No seas como tus primas, ir a la universidad cambia la imagen de nuestra familia”. 

“ Honey, don't be like your cousins, change our family legacy and go to university”.

 At the young age of 11, this was my first time hearing about expectation(s) but it certainly wouldn’t be the last. 

In fact, a couple of expectations stood out to me.

Be the first person in our family to go to university.
Wouldn't life be amazing if everything was as simple as this?. 

Go to school, have good grades, do sports, go to college. 

When the harsh reality hit me that life isn't that simple, it felt like my world was falling apart. 

During elementary school I was your perfect student. 

Student of the week, student of the month, I would even give the morning announcements. 

“Destined to succeed” was all I would ever hear, all I was ever used too

Bring back home straight A’s , Be the valedictorian , 
In a couple of weeks the moment I’ve been waiting for my entire life was about to arrive.

I would start highschool. I  am ready for it, I was born ready ; nothing will stop me because I have everything planned out.

 It’s Finally my time to shine !

 These next 4 years I'll be building my college application.

I can see my dreams turning into reality 

Finally, I'll start becoming the role model everyone agrees I am. 

Then I reached Highschool,

I got my first D, I didn’t know how to manage all my time 

with all the sports I was doing, with my challenging classes.

This Era of my life is when expectations had more value to me than my own well being.

 It overcame who I was, and I couldn't help but feel like a failure . To myself, to my 11 year old me, and to my family. 

For the next couple of weeks I was having sleepless nights. 

The only thing that crossed my mind was “ I Am a failure, I’m a failure, I’m a failure”.  

I was used to hearing destined to succeed and now 

Average student 

Average athlete . 

Average 

The only thing I was certain of was 2 things:

 I wanted to succeed and that currently I was destroying the life the future; I had settled for. 

This wasn’t in the plan, I had everything planned out, What am I doing wrong?

Being the “perfect” eldest daughter is
Having to live up to my family’s expectations of being considered smart, always obeying, and helping other family members with their academics, became part of my identity. 

Whenever I'd face a roadblock where I just couldn't solve the pythagorean theorem, anything I'd ever accomplished prior, went out the window. 

 Having to always be available for everyone 

And also being the perfect role model for my classmates, for my younger cousins 

It seemed unrealistic for me to have any problems, because I'm seen as someone who could accomplish anything!!!!!!

Expectations overpowered my life, my decision-making, my self-confidence. 

The person I was becoming was no longer happy, overwhelmingly stressed, anxious, and overworked.

Where was my gratitude? Where was my grace? When I was so quick to forgive others, I didn't practice this on myself. 

Expectation was the biggest thing to me, however when a friend's death happened, it made me acknowledge that nothing in life is permanent. 

My perspective began to change. 

Through the process of rekindling my own  happiness, 

I found forgiveness.

Forgiveness for myself, for bringing me to this very moment, 

For remembering that what i do is bigger than who i am

For representing a community of first-generation latinas who were told that they’d never attend college
I realized that one mistake wouldn’t change the outcome of my future 

I reflected on my accomplishments, however big or small that they were, 

and i was reminded of the intentionality that i carry in the things i care about

For a better world I Wouldn’t allow expectations to be valued more than our own well being. 

Finally, I leave you with a question to ask yourself

In your own life  are expectations worth losing your identity over?