Dear Occupiers of Wall Street,
Please stop. This has gone too far. As an American citizen I for one cannot believe the scams you all are attempting to pull on the public. Claiming to be the victims? Your job, if you have one at all, is in danger, you’ve got no money to support your children? This is simply ridiculous. If you took a moment from your pointless complaining, you would see that the bankers and the so-called 1% are the real victims here!

You call the Wall Street bankers corrupt and evil, but in all reality they are just like you and me. After a breakfast of shark fin soup, these everyday bankers zip on over to Wall Street in their chauffeured black sedan, if they can get in at all with you people camping out everywhere. Then, in between smoking breaks and sexual harassment charges they really exert themselves at whatever it is they actually do. The bankers go home to a dinner of caviar and the crunchy bones of former workers with their wives, mistresses, and the kids whose names they don’t really know. Then after a day as exhausting as this they deserve to slip between real fox fur sheets and dream of bathing in their piles of money, only to wake up the next morning and do it all again. Just like everyone else.

You also must keep in mind how hard the economy is on these bankers. Think of all the tax loopholes they have to go through just to save money! You probably don’t even know what they have to do just to get their money! Well, it’s a major inconvenience! And really, finding a parking space for their multi-million dollar car must be a near intolerable pain! All I can say is thank God for valets, or else the bankers wouldn’t have enough time to do their daily embezzling. And don’t even get started on the scandals. It is costing bankers and politicians a fortune to not only supply their mistress with the best money can buy, but then paying off said mistresses when they get old or annoying. And as you hippies keep pointing out, money doesn’t just grow on trees.

Finally, I’d just like to take this time to ask you to put down your signs and listen to a little story about a sixteen year old girl in St. Louis MO who is very interested in the world around her. This girl researches the Occupy Wall Street protest and she is just repulsed by the direction in which this country is starting to turn. “Really, money for the poor?” she says. “C’mon, everyone knows that you’re poor for a reason: you don’t blatantly steal money and pay off anyone who tries to stop you! And what would those cops do without their monthly blackmail money? The bankers are helping you people! That’s really the only difference between you 99% and the 1%. And stealing from the less fortunate? It’s a small price to pay for true happiness. Besides, you can always use your stolen money to pay for the best therapist in the world if you feel guilty about taking away hard working Americans’ money -but just a tip,” she adds, “the 1% got their consciences removed to avoid that whole guilt feeling altogether.”

So in conclusion, just stop. Pack up your tents, tie back your dreadlocks, and go home. And next time you decide to protest some ‘injustice’, think of your elite 1% and this letter and how they’re just like you. Except for the fact that they’re better and richer than you.

Sincerely,

Dacey G.