Dear Anna,

I know that you don’t and won’t understand, but I am scared for you. Please just tell me what is wrong and tell me how I can help. Isn’t that what friends are for? The texts we didn’t receive and the silence we were given, makes me carry so much fear. Of course it’s not a light and tiny fear, it is a massive cloud of fear sitting above my head, making me feel extremely sick inside. The day that fear forced my friends and I to show up at your house was the worst day of my entire life. Seeing you in tears and you showing us the cuts on your arms is when my fear pushed me down and became heavier than it has ever been.

*Buzz Buzz* Two weeks later, I open the texts that you sent to me, telling me that you had done it again. My thoughts went in so many directions making me feel helpless and scared. Those short text messages saying “Sarah, I’m a monster.” or “Sarah help me, I don’t know what to do.” made my eyes tear up and uncontrollably making my face turn as red as a rose. I couldn’t hold it in, nor could i keep a secret like that. I made a very important decision and I decided to tell Erin. The two of us decided that we’d ask you if we could talk about it after rehearsal that night after our rehearsal. My fear was especially heavy at that particular time because I knew that it was mine and Erin’s fault that we didn’t talk to you after you did it the first time, because maybe if we would’ve talked to you, it may have not happened twice. I felt like I had walked into a black hole of guilt and hate towards my self and when I had found out that you said we could talk about the whole situation, I was so relieved.

At rehearsal that night, it seemed dark and quiet even though I was surrounded happiness and love. That evening, I wasn’t the Sarah that everyone knew and was friends with. My happy, colorful and fun spirited friends seemed like a hazy vision, like one some one would have trouble remembering. All I was capable of thinking about you and what you were going to tell me and how you were going to react to my questions. Although you looked happy with a bright smile on your face, beautiful make-up and a cute boho outfit on, I could tell that your joyful little soul was gasping for air as something dark and evil was trying to take over it. All I wanted was that rehearsal to go along smoothly and speedy so Erin, you, and I could talk about what was going on, because all we wanted was the Anna we know and love.

After we were finally dismissed from rehearsal, and had the chance to sit down and talk, the only thing that happened for the first ten minutes was silence. Not a peaceful silence, it was a painful and awkward silence, the type of silence where it is impossible to be comfortable. As soon as you decided to open up after ten neverending minutes, Erin, you, and I became snotty and teary messes as we each took turns and poured our broken little hearts out. We never know that you hurt that bad and we wanted to fix it immediately, we just didn’t know where to start. You had gone through so much in such a short amount of time and we didn’t want you to fall deeper into your dark depression.

Anna, I am telling you this story through my eyes, and I’m letting it out because I want you to know how scared I am for you. If you ever did something to hurt yourself, I would never be able to forgive myself. This fear is very heavy, extremely important and it is something I will carry forever.

Sincerely,

Sarah M.