“Where do you think you’re going wearing that old thing,” my mother frowned at me from across the kitchen. I looked down at myself in a baggy sweatshirt, jeans, and sneakers. This was what I usually wore, and every so often my mother decided to make a big deal about it. “You look like a guy dressed in those, and with your hair up like that…” she trailed off, leaning over the stove to stir something. That’s what I’m trying to look like, I thought to myself, turning to walk out the door.

     “Hayley, hold on,” I spun around and took a breath, preparing myself for whatever she was going to say next.

     “I bought you some new clothes didn’t you see them?”

     “Yea, I’ll look at them later. I have to go or I’ll be late,” I turned and walked out of the house before she could respond. She was always trying to get me to put on dresses, skirts, and make-up, and it was a struggle to even get out of the house in what I was wearing now. I slid into my car and headed toward the school, dreading having to try on clothes with my mother later. No matter how much I insisted on not wearing dresses, she still felt compelled to buy them for me. She knew as well as I did that they would just collect dust in my closet.

     As I pulled into a parking space at the school, I felt a burst of panic in my chest. Sucking in a breath, I leaned my head against the steering wheel. Just keep breathing, I reminded myself, squeezing my eyes shut. Some days I didn’t know what to think. Despite having great friends and getting relatively good grades, I always felt a rush of panic when I thought about having to walk through those doors and have everyone see me as a girl. I know it sounds weird, I am a girl. On the outside. If strangers looked at me they would say ‘she’. But if they knew me, knew me like I knew myself, they would know better. I don’t belong in this body, I don’t belong in dresses or make-up, and I hate my long hair.
     I jumped as something slammed against my window, letting out a sigh of relief that it was just Sam. Smiling, and jarred from my panic, I grabbed my bag and stepped out of my car.
     “I thought you were asleep at the wheel,” Sam grabbed my arm, shaking it dramatically.
     “No, just resting,” I muttered, smirking at her and pulling my arm away to open the school door.
     “Are you not feeling good again?” Sam frowned, stepping in after me and unzipping her jacket as a blast of heat greeted us inside. I nodded, heading toward my locker. I still felt a little shaken from my anxiety attack, and didn’t want to talk to Sam about it. Lately I had been feeling the need to tell someone, anyone what I was feeling. If I told anyone, I would tell Sam, but I didn’t know if I wanted to say it out loud. That would be like validating that this was real, like I really was a boy and didn’t belong in this body. And even if I told her, what could she do? What could I do? It was just something I had to deal with.

     “Hey, are you busy today? I wanna hang out after school,” I weighed my options, deciding that risking mom’s wrath was worth it if I could avoid trying on clothes for the afternoon.

     As I pulled into Sam’s driveway, I cast my mother out of my mind. I needed to focus on the task at hand. During the day, I decided that I needed to tell Sam what was going on. Even if she couldn’t do anything about it, I needed to tell someone, just say it out loud. My only fear was that she would think I was some kind of freak, or tell people at school what I said. I felt sick again but I needed to get this off my chest.

     We immediately headed up to Sam’s bedroom. She had four brothers so that was the only place in the house where it was actually somewhat quiet. I felt a rush of panic as we both sat down on the bed. Sam reached over to her nightstand for her tv remote and I knew I had to say something now or I would chicken out.

     “Hey so I have to talk to you,” I muttered, squeezing my hands together. Sam looked at me, dropped the remote between us on the bed.

     “Okay whats up?” She looked at me with a smile. My best friend. I felt my chest tighten. I couldn’t do this I couldn’t admit this out loud.

     “I’m a guy,” I blurted out, sucking in a breath as soon as the words left my mouth. Had I actually just said that? I started at Sam, watching her face as she processed what I had said.

     “Wait, what are you talking about,” Sam let out a nervous laugh, shaking her head slightly. Now that I had finally said those fatal words, I felt determined to make her understand what I was trying to say. That was the only way I could get her to be okay with this.

     “I’m a guy. Like, obviously I look like a girl but… Well I’ve been doing some research. I’m transsexual. I was a guy I was just born in the wrong body,” I trailed off as she narrowed her eyes, her brows furrowed.
     "That doesn’t make any sense Hayley stop screwing around,” Sam shook her head again and picked up the remote.

     “No, you have to understand. Let me explain it better,” I felt panicked. She had to understand. If I couldn’t explain it to her I don’t think I could explain it to anyone.

     “Hayley I said stop. It’s weird. I don’t know if you’re screwing around or not but it’s not funny. Just drop it,” She was practically shouting by the time she turned away from me. I felt tears welling in my eyes. This couldn’t be happening. Not with Sam. We told each other everything. I had to make her understand, but she wouldn’t listen. Why wouldn’t she listen? I felt like I was going to be sick. Jumping up, I grabbed my bag off the floor and ran out of the room. Sam didn’t try to stop me.

  I couldn’t handle going home after talked with Sam so I drove to the park at the other end of town. I pulled into a parking spot further from everyone else, locked the doors, laid my head on the steering wheel, and cried. I couldn’t believe how Sam had reacted. I mean, I didn’t even totally understand what I was trying to say but I trusted her. She was the only person I could actually say anything too, but I guess I was wrong about that. If Sam reacted that way after I told her the truth, how would everyone else react? How would my family react?

No, I couldn't tell them. It was clear that people wouldn’t understand what I was trying to say. It was too weird, maybe I was wrong about it anyways. But I knew I didn’t belong in this body. I beat my fists against the steering wheel, making the horn go off a few times, but I didn’t care. I was past caring. Sitting up in my seat, I started the car and whipped out of the parking lot, headed toward home.

 It was dark out by the time I got home, and the house was empty. That was good, it would make things easier. I went into the garage, grabbing some rope that was hanging on the wall and shoving it in my backpack, then headed upstairs.  I threw my backpack on my bed, grabbing my notebook and ripping a piece of paper out of my notebook. After a few seconds of thinking, I scribbled down a quick note:

Mom & Dad,
Don’t come into my room, just call the police. I don’t want you to see me like this. I love you, and this isn’t your fault.
                 Love,
                     Dylan

I felt tears welling up, blurring my eyes and making it hard to the the rope properly. It would be a great cosmic joke if I managed to f*** this up too. I stared down at the noose, letting out a sob. Did I really want to do this? What was my other option? Spend the rest of my life in this body? Hell no, I wasn’t doing it. I couldn’t. Sam would probably tell everyone at school what a freak I was. My family would never understand. I didn’t even understand.

I pulled my desk chair over to the hooks holding up some stupid mobile from when I was a kid. Ripping it down, I tied the rope onto the hook. I wiped my eyes off and slipped the noose over my neck. I was done fighting. I kicked the chair, and felt myself fall.