Slavery. He has appeared in almost every civilization. Confining, imprisoning, restraining. His fervor is unceasing. Like a newly emerging weed, he goes undetected at first. But once spotted, he is pulled, prodded, and doused with every means capable of removing his stain from humanity. And like a weed, he seems to recoil and shrivel under the abhorrence of the world. But every good gardener knows that weeds never truly die. They relocate. So, too, with Slavery. When he is eradicated in one civilization, he sprouts up in another.

A master of deception, Slavery has veiled himself under many names: “Indentured Servitude,” “Serfdom,” “Arranged Marriages,” and “Child Labor.” However, as we are now discovering, these facades were mere distractions, decoys, to divert us from discovering his true plan. A plan so wily that he has managed to infest every civilization, city, town, and home. A disguise so ingenious and cleverly crafted that he has managed to go undetected for thousands and thousands and thousands of years.
At this very moment, he is lurking amongst us. And as we speak, he is oppressing us, binding us, enslaving us. His newly discovered alias is—Clothing.

 “How can this be?” you may be asking yourself. “How can my clothes possibly be enslaving me?” But just think! At almost every moment of your life, you have had some article of clothing on your body, pressing upon your skin, cloaking your arms, legs, and torso, preventing your body from being free.

Take a look around! As exemplified in our media and on our college campuses, we live in a society oriented on revealing the least amount of skin possible. Our culture of modest dress is revered and adored throughout the world. Our standard of exposing the skin only on the face and hands has inspired nations across the globe to do the same. Many countries have even adopted the ever more popular slogan, “Modest is Hottest.” Just think, have you ever seen the ankles, shoulders, belly button, or neck of any U.S. citizen? Of course not!

And the more’s the pity! I’m here to tell you that enough is enough! Do not let those pieces of fabric confine you like they confined our ancestors for generations past! I am calling for a worldwide abolishment of clothing! We must put an end to this injustice immediately! Stop the oppression, and start the undressin’!

 It is easy to see the abundance of benefits that can result from abolishing clothing. For one thing, eliminating clothing will save everyone time and energy. You can say goodbye to the days of wasting hours sifting through your closet, trying, unsuccessfully, to find the right outfit. And just think: in a world without clothes, laundry becomes nonexistent. No more washing, drying, folding, hanging, pressing, ironing, or steaming! No more agonizing hours spent scavenging for clothes at malls. No more time exhausted searching for that one sock.

 Removing the shackles of clothing will also reap significant societal benefits. With the burden of clothing removed from our lives, there will no longer be room for the petty judgments and bullying that result from the type and quality of clothing individuals wear. Juicy Couture, Ralph Lauren, Versace, Dolce and Gabbana—who cares!

Living in the absence of clothing will also foster healthier relationships within families. There will be no more family feuds over who took Bob’s shirt, or who misplaced Martha’s jeans. The family unit, the foundation of every society, will experience more peace, creating a more placid world overall.

Although the majority of you are on board with the anti-clothing movement, a few outliers have concerns trickling through their minds. Some of you may be thinking, “What are we supposed to do when it’s cold outside? Can we wear clothes then?” This seems like an appropriate occasion to allow clothing, and I understand your concerns; however, we must not give in to the temptation to bundle up in a warm, plush coat and snug snow boots because in doing so we will be resubmitting to Slavery. We must take a definitive stand against him if we wish to uproot his schemes. Suffering is to be expected, as in any great battle. Many may die, but it is a risk we must be willing to take.

Some of you may still be doubtful, unsure whether what I am proposing can really be done. Can we really overthrow the tyranny of clothing and undermine Slavery’s power? Some of you may even be afraid, afraid to face the naked truth. But it is natural to be afraid, after all this viewpoint is countercultural, a direct attack on the modesty that our world has grown so accustomed to. But we cannot hide under the veil of ignorance any longer. Now that the truth has been revealed to us, we must defend what is true, just, and good, despite whatever fear we may experience. I’m sure the abolitionists of the North felt the same way when they stood up against the accepted and widespread practice of enslaving African Americans. But the abolitionists succeeded and so can we!