It’s time for the talk. Yes, that talk.  Not the normal kind of birds and bees talk. When most people give this talk, they assume that those kinds of feelings are normal for everybody. The reality is that a portion of the population identifies on the asexual spectrum, also called the ace spectrum. Being asexual means that you don’t experience sexual attraction. Not everyone experiences sexual attraction in a black and white sense; rather, sexual attraction occurs as a spectrum. I’m somewhere in the middle, identifying as demisexual. Demisexuality is experiencing sexual attraction to someone only after having a deep emotional connection or bond with them.

Many people believe demisexuality is just a choice of abstaining from sex with someone until you have been together for a while. Demisexuality isn’t a choice to wait for sex; it’s the entire lack of desire. Others believe people identify on the asexual spectrum because of a traumatic event; while some have experienced trauma, asexuality does not necessarily stem from trauma. Many also assume that all asexuals abstain from sex, but this varies from person to person. Reasons for having sex can be anything, including dating a sexual partner, but in every case, the person still does not experience sexual attraction, and is therefore asexual. Another important thing about the asexual spectrum is that being asexual doesn’t necessarily mean you are aromantic. Aromantic individuals are part of the asexual spectrum, and aromantic asexual individuals exist, but you can have any sort of romantic orientation in combination with asexuality. Asexuals can be homoromantic, heteroromantic, biromantic, or anywhere else on the romantic spectrum.

But for some reason, this identity that I experience is often overlooked, which can be seen in an examination of popular media. Burger commercials with bikini-clad women eating in slow-motion and licking sauce off their fingers, and cologne commercials with men in nothing but briefs on yachts are ubiquitous. In books, movies, and shows, relationships between characters often end in explicitly stated or implied sexual interaction. For instance, in the recent Deadpool movie, the main character’s description of his true love becomes a sexual montage. Even the concept of “saving yourself until marriage” assumes sexual desire. Advertisement relying on sexuality sends the message that the best way to reach others is through sex. The culmination of characters’ relationships in a physical component sends the message that these physicalities solidify love. Teaching kids to save themselves until marriage says that ultimate true love must have a physical component. Popular media sends the message that sexuality is expected and even required for love.

But it isn’t. People on the ace spectrum, including aromantic individuals, are just as able to love as anyone else. Love is taking care of your partner when they’re sick, cheering them up, planning little surprises, putting them first, promoting their success, giving them the reality kick they need, being their supporter and best friend, and so much more. Not one of these things requires sex. You can still connect with them, have deep conversations, have tons of fun, and do anything else that a “normal” couple would. Yes, you still can have sex if you are on the asexual spectrum. But sex isn’t for a minute required for love.

It’s important to discuss the ace spectrum because it’s so alienating to be part of it. Almost everyone I hear calls someone hot, or “doable”. While most people walked out of Deadpool amused or unphased, I walked out feeling like a disappointment for not being more sexual. When you constantly hear people talk about sex, or you hear what’s “normal” for sexual attraction, and you are nowhere near it, you feel broken. I felt like something was wrong with me for not being wired that way. And being told that physical love is required for a relationship, yet knowing I don’t meet expectations is even worse. For one of my friends, being in a relationship only made it more obvious because her partner continually pressured her. My friend continually felt broken, inadequate, and guilty: all for being herself. I’m lucky because I have an understanding partner.

But nobody should have to be called “lucky” for having a partner who understands. People need to know that it’s okay to not have the same sexual attractions as most people. Being on the asexual spectrum might not be the majority, but it is normal. It isn’t something that you can just choose to be or suddenly stop being. It is an identity. The ace spectrum is part of who you are. You can’t control it, and you shouldn’t have to. You’re not broken or deficient for being on the ace spectrum. You aren’t weird, crazy, or disappointing. You are valid, and you are capable of giving and loving just as much as anyone else. There are others who are on the asexual spectrum, and there are resources to support you.

Ignoring the asexual spectrum and denying its existence sends the message that it’s fundamentally wrong, causing individuals who identify as part of it to feel guilty or defective. We, as a culture, need to start sending the message that it’s okay to have love that isn’t physical. We can all do our part by being understanding of each other’s positions, and not judging their sexual identity. We must stop saying that sexuality is the expectation, or that sex is required for love. It isn’t.