Digest your Own Food | Teen Ink

Digest your Own Food

April 25, 2016
By Camel2 BRONZE, Amery, Wisconsin
Camel2 BRONZE, Amery, Wisconsin
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Any thought-capable being coexisting with another fellow human person knows the struggles of another stomach digesting your favorite snack.  Not everybody has the need to hide food, but some people live with other inconsiderate felons willing snatch your food at the first chance they have.  Labeling food as your own may work but most likely the temptation to devour your ice cream will overcome your roommate’s conscience.  In a sleepy daze or running out the door, someone can easily snatch your food without caring or maybe without even knowing.  Saving food for later is sometimes the only option but runs the risk of somebody else eating the last granola bar while you can’t.  With some simple steps and precautions, you can save those Doritos or brownies while you’re away.
Most of these techniques require very little materials and effort.  The amount of materials will vary according to the situation.  For every technique, you will need your desired food for hiding, a place to hide it, and an objects to place in front of your precious food to aid its’ blending with the environment.  Depending on the age and maturity of your fellow occupant(s), you may need a more clever and intricate hiding place.
Clothing for this procedure is optional, but when worn, can help aid the execution of the process.  A baggy sweatshirt or some pants with pockets can be used as a vessel for transportation when movement of food articles is required.
Tools that may be needed for this method will vary depending on the case.  An empty chip bag or cereal box can be used as a disguising container.  Your voice possibly will help to create a distraction while transporting or hiding food.  Appendages may be useful to fend off oncoming hostile persecutors.
To execute a process as complex as this one, there are optimal situations.  When an ideal setting comes within ones’ grasp, that person must take advantage.  The timing is very important when smuggling superlative nourishment to a desired destination.  An ideal situation is one where no other persons are present.  The lights would be turned low and baggy clothes would be worn to foster the movement of the stolen goods.  A hiding place would have previously been chosen and prepped for disguising.  Shipping of the valuables would be fast and efficient like a jet slicing through the air.  Swift, but quiet, movements would be carefully executed as the smuggler hides the food as a ninja.
Of course, an ideal situation is rarely ever presented.  One must learn and absorb the art of hiding food from an instructional essay.  One must then, by practicing and using logic, come up with new methods.  Resulting from the ever changing world of food discovering tactics, you must learn to adapt to the advancing technologies trying to foil your hiding.  You will become a master of the food disguising skill.
To begin the process of trafficking stolen articles of food, you will need to prepare for this complex method.  Wearing baggy clothes, such as your dad’s old Giants sweatshirt, is ideal for hiding stolen food underneath.  Pants, with ample pocket space, will have the desired volume to conceal and carry goods.  The dining room lights would be turned low, to raise the probability of the ninja remaining unrecognized in his/her attempt.
Nobody would be wanted around the scene because a person would eliminate the secretory element of the situation.  To achieve no persons in the immediate area, simply wait until everyone is watching T.V. or until no one is home.
The hiding place is obviously the most crucial part of this entire procedure.  A hiding place needs to be in a location where nobody would think to look.  If you are lucky enough to have younger siblings, this makes the task of finding an unthinkable hiding place easier.  From my experience, siblings that still think that video games are necessary for survival, tend to overlook blatantly concealed food.  Frequently, they are rushing to return to their game, or are just too lazy to search for more than three to five seconds to find your hidden BBQ flavored chips.
I have found that a good hiding place is not very hard to find.  Merely placing food behind a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, or the more effective flour bag, will disguise your food for at least two days.  From experience, baking supplies and other rarely used items, like instant potatoes and apple cider vinegar, are great places to hide food because of their undesirable connotation.
Hiding food in a private place also works, but on the premise that the food does not need to be preserved in a refrigerator.  Simply by placing the filched item in a dresser drawer underneath some underwear will completely disguise your favorite snack.  Most people don’t want to go through other people’s underwear, so this can be very effective for hiding food.
Bad places to hide food will expose your thievery and cause your fellow residents to begin understanding your practice.  They will start looking for stolen food and may even start stealing food for themselves.  A bad hiding place can ruin future attempts to hide food.  An ineffective place would be somewhere where food is often moved or sought after.
For example, hiding chocolate behind a bag of Doritos will not last as long as behind a bag of moldy potatoes.  Placing food in unattractive locations is key to a good hiding spot.   You will have to use your own judgement on what is undesirable to your fellow residents.
Movement of the valuables is also very important because it is the transferring of the valuables to their destination that completes the hiding.  If you take too long transporting the food, another person may arrive and jeopardize the process.  One has to be careful not to touch any other wrapped items or chip bags, as to prevent as much sound as possible.  The procedure will also be ruined of anyone hears your movement.
Some examples of situations where hiding and disguising food can be exposed and ruined will vary from person to person.  By learning some frequent situations, you will learn how to combat the consequences.
One example of a bad situation is when your fellow resident has the same idea as you and starts stealing food for him/herself.  You will be used to knowing where the food is, and you may start noticing food disappearing.  Your training would have prepped you for finding food by using the reverse, finding food.  You will know good hiding places and be able to find the food because of your improving skill at food disguising.  If you cannot find their food stash, you will have to be quicker to steal the food than they are.  You will need to be the first one to the new groceries mom is brings home to sift through the food and take the wanted goods.
A popular, awkward situation to be in is getting caught stealing.  If you are caught stealing, play it off as if you are only grabbing that food to eat it instantaneously.  If you are in the process of placing the food in your hiding spot, act as if it is a surprise to you.  Say something like, “Who is hiding food in my underwear?”  This will divert the pursuer and leave the convict as a victim.
Eating the stolen food is of course the ultimate objective.  Eating the food at an optimal time is the final part of stealing food.  You will want to eat the food in private or when nobody is around to avoid the pursuer catching on to your tactics.  If you are caught eating the stolen food simply coax, “I found it hiding behind the eggs.”  This will make the litigant think that it just happened to be there and will further divert your brother from believing the food is disappearing because of you.
These tactics and strategies can be applied to far more than hiding food, which can result in far worse consequences.  I say this as a warning: never steal/borrow without asking/take/scrounge without consent any item other than your own.  If caught stealing, fines, jail time, and the death penalty can result.
My hope as an instructional author is that you learned thoroughly how to obtain food items and then hide them properly to preserve for later consumption.  This skill will not come instantly to you.  It will take practice and logic to consider different, creative tactics to adjust to the ever changing environment.  Also, remember to only apply this process to food items that exist in your own residence that are not labeled as another person’s or for dinner.  As one last thought, I say to you: good hiding and good eating.



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