Butterflies enter my stomach; my mind goes temporarily blank; my blood turns cold as it rushes through every inch of my body; that is what happens when he looks at me, and smiles. He doesn’t know that his smile can make my entire day. All he has to do is look at me with that perfect smile of his, and I am instantly happy.

Then he speaks to me. It can be as simple as “Hey, what’s up?” or it can be a real conversation. I feel nervous and scared and I don’t know how to act around him. Sometimes he makes me so comfortable, that I get scared and then become uncomfortable in return. My mind starts to race when he is around me. It’s not his fault he makes me nervous when we are together, I know he does not do it to me intentionally, but he does, and I wish I could control my nerves. Speaking to him in person is like a fear I need to overcome. I feel like I don’t have anything worth saying to him when I can see his face. Then as soon as I can talk to him without being able to see his reaction, I can talk forever. He lets me open up to him and I can tell him almost anything. He knows things about me most people will never know. Now I need to learn to say the same things while he is standing right in front of me.

When his hand touches my body, even just slightly and for a brief second, I continue to feel his presence upon me long after he is gone. It’s as if he has a phantom limb that remains in his hand’s place and haunts me for minutes to come. Only once have I been able to experience the feel of his body pressed against mine, and I will never forget it. I dream about the feel and smell of him almost everyday. I can only hope that one of these days I will get to experience that night again and that he feels the same way.

I try not to flirt with him, most of the time anyways, but it is uncontrollable. And sometimes I let myself think he just might be flirting with me too, but then I snap back into reality and know it was just my imagination and he was just being himself. I would like nothing more than to have another chance with him, but I know I have already screwed things up enough, and that it will never happen. I know that all of this is my fault. I have had my chance many times before, but I was stubborn and confused and I ended up ruining everything.

Then there’s the girl, his girl. He looks happy with her and I am happy for him. But at the same time I cannot stand seeing them together. It kills me every time. I have never been jealous of another girl until now and I hate it. Jealousy is an evil thing and I don’t like how I have to feel it. Even though I am happy that he is happy with her, I feel like I am being selfish for hating seeing them together. She has done nothing wrong and has every right to be with him. I shouldn’t be getting jealous the way I am and he will probably be mad if he knew. When I get up the courage, I will tell him exactly how I feel, in person, and hope for the best.

Every night I go to bed with thoughts of him in my head. Of course, most nights thinking about him result in me falling asleep with a smile on my face, especially when I fall asleep talking to him. The last thought that crosses my mind though is that we are friends forever and nothing more.