Make them special. Tell your children while they are little that blue is purple and purple is blue. Teach them that elbow is a bad word. Teach them things so that they stand out in society; there are too many like minded people at this point in time. To make sure these teachings stick, homeschool them until high school. Get mad if anyone tries to correct your teachings. (Protip: Exchange the word elbow with the F-bomb.)

Make sure that they know that they are special. Tell them that they are better than everyone else. Don’t ever let them think that they have flaws. Make sure they know that the only person more perfect than they are is you. By convincing them that they are superior, they will not develop confidence issues. Correct them in regards to etiquette, grammar, spelling, and vocabulary. Make sure they can fit in in society, but don’t correct them about anything else. (Protip: Convince them that unicorns are real).

Train them for the apocalypse. By age ten, your children should be able to design and act out a detailed apocalypse survival plan. They should be able to hunt and prepare their own food by age five. Your children should know how to fight off all manner of creatures before high school. Make sure they know how to use the following things correctly: an axe, a flashlight, tinder, a tent, a sleeping bag, and a kazoo. Their survival may one day depend on this. Therefore, it is only fair to them if you take them skydiving and get their blood type tattooed to their chest. (Protip: Lock them in a room with predatory wild animals unarmed..)

Instill a sense of independence in your children. Leave them home alone as soon as you can. The age at which your child ideally could begin to stay home alone overnight is five. To ensure that this target is met, leave them home alone for gradually increasing periods of time. Do not leave them home alone for more than two days, however. You don’t want their education to suffer. To further increase their independence, teach them how to drive as soon as they can reach the pedals. Even if your child grows really fast and can reach the pedals when they are nine, you should still teach them right away. After all, you cannot be independent if you cannot travel places on your own. In the same vein, teach them how to use public transportation alone. You never know when your seven year old needs to ride the subway alone. (Protip: When you leave them home alone, disconnect the phone lines so that they can’t call the police.)

Teach them to expect the unexpected. “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition?” Not anymore! If your children expect a to find all of their toys thrown out one day, it won’t hurt them as much. So do it all of the time. Does your child expect to be woken up by an air horn? They will soon. If nothing comes as a surprise to them, they will have a greater chance at a successful life. Think of all of the benefits. Your children will be great at chess, politics, breaking the law, and planning wars. When your children expect the unexpected, you can expect to see them go places. (Protip: Put rocks in their food.)

Teach them how to lie. Con artists are the most successful artists at this point in time. No one has a work ethic like con artists. So why not train your kids to be a con artist? The career paths this training would open are endless. From criminal, to politician, to a used car salesman, your con artist child has the capability to do it all. The phrase “cheaters never prosper” is a lie. Just look at former president Bill Clinton. Raise your children to be con artists and they too can claim that they never had sex with Monica Lewinsky while being president, but they’ll be telling the truth. (Protip: The truth doesn’t actually set you free.)

Make them beautiful. Your daughters should be constantly dieting; your sons should be lifting weights non-stop. Don’t forget the benefits of cross-training. Makeup and tanning should be used whenever needed. Don’t feel like you are forcing your kids to fit into a mold in their looks; society’s the one doing it. You aren’t guilty. (Protip: They’re never too young for plastic surgery.)

Enter them in pageants. These pageants are scholarship funds and legitimate enterprises. They will teach your children what is important in life: appearance. Intelligence is overrated. Beauty is much more important. These pageants will mold your children into paragons of society. The best people are horrendously shallow; no one likes people with real emotions. These pageants could pave the way to a successful modeling career. (Protip: Fake teeth make your children prettier.)

Spray them with spray bottles. When they misbehave, talk back, or when you are bored, spray bottles will make them snap to. It’s not mean; it’s effective. It works on dogs, why can’t it work on your children. If they begin to ignore the bottle, put fun additions in it like bleach, lemon juice, and other corrosive liquids. You will be respected as a parent, guaranteed. (Protip: If all else fails, use a shock collar.)
Never tell them you love them. Make sure they know that at eighteen, they have to move out. Try to prevent sibling affection as well. Love makes you weak. (Protip: Constantly pit your children against each other.)