Do you ever feel that sinking feeling in your gut? It’s almost like you know something you hate is about to happen. The kicker to this feeling, is that it isn’t always right, sometimes you will freak out and get all nervous and feel your body tense up for no reason at all. It’s a constant evil game of chance-always keeping the player guessing.  It happens to everybody, some more than others, but it does happen. The destructive feeling of nothing you do being enough.

My anxiety tends to spike right around September 5th, for those of you playing along at home that is when school starts back up again. For ten long dreadful months my anxiety lashes out and brews like a perfect storm for 5 days a week, every week.  It is actually pretty mild for the most part, until I need to talk. I don’t do too well public speaking, answering questions or taking tests. I have never delivered a good presentation, answered a question without second guessing, or taken a test without my nerves getting to me.  

A typical day starts with an extremely frustrating drive to school, I step out of my car as the brisk morning air fills my lungs as I start to head in.  I trudge into school with a cloud over my head already, not exactly the greatest start to my day. My first hour class is pretty nice actually, I get work done, don’t need to talk to anybody, life is good. As soon as I walk into chemistry  it’s just all downhill from there. My anxiety starts to shoot through the roof after my third hour class. Slowly, Ever so slowly it eats away at me. Me, the goofy kid that no one realizes that he gets so nervous sometimes over what would seem like something simple.

I can hear the pitter patter of feet move swiftly across the hall as the bell was about to ring. Just as the dreadful chimes filled my ears I stepped into the classroom There was talking and laughing that was filling every corner of the room. The voice of the teacher came to the students like nails on a chalkboard. “Everyone sit down and shut up” She would bellow. She kept barking at your classmates as you make your way to your seat in the back of the room, hoping she wouldn’t notice that I wasn’t in my seat on time. As soon as she turned around I swiftly slid into my seat and wasn’t marked late.

After only 12 minutes of class she's doing it again. I can hear that oh too familiar squeak of the desk drawer. She’s getting out the seating chart.  She's going to start calling on people. Why couldn’t anyone else volunteer to answer the question? Sure they answer every other question ever asked, but I see no problem with that one person answering every question for the rest of the year. Arthur is the first victim. Way too close to my name to be honest but it doesn’t matter anyway. Just to mess with me she probably has my name on that infernal piece of paper at least 17 times. Everytime this happens I always get called on, EVERY SINGLE TIME. Of course that was the question he got wrong, the only question on my paper that I didn’t know and left blank. She scans the room, where do her eyes land you might ask? Yup, right on the sweaty white sheet in the corner you call a student. Me, she called on me.  

Of course I got the question wrong. I mean that's what always happens right? The teacher asks a question, I get it wrong the entire class looks at me. The snarky “I think I’m better than you because my GPA is higher than yours” kids get a little chuckle out if your answer. Finally the teacher looks at you with the disappointed look on their face  and basically it ruins the remainder of my day. I just can’t seem to shake the feeling, the feeling of not wanting to speak or answer in constant fear of failure.

My day wouldn’t exactly feel complete without my anxiety giving me a solid smack in the face every hour. To be honest though, I’d rather have a life filled with incomplete, anxiety and worry free days . Like I have said before, my anxiety doesn’t happen every day. It doesn’t run like clockwork, there isn’t one specific thing that makes it happen. I realize some people have it way worse than I do but man, Anxiety is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.