“He called you again.” my mom announced as I walked into the house.

I replied curiously, “Who is he?” I knew who he was but I acted as if I didn’t, so I didn’t have to call him back. I have a bad reputation when it comes to calling him, more on his end than my end. I can call him day and night but never does he ever pick up when I call with important news or when I need to talk to him for comfort.

“You know who he is and he told me to have you call him back,” She said almost angry, “As soon as you finish your homework call him.”

There is no way around this, she was definitely going to make me call him back. I hate talking to him! He acts like he doesn't even want to talk to me. When we talk he has a sluggish voice that makes it sound like he is ready to get off the phone as soon as he picks up. If not that, he won’t pick up at all when I do call him. I can call him day and night but he won’t pick up not once. When does talk to me most times it’s through text messages, but we never talk on the phone because he refuses to pick up the phone. With him living in Iowa I didn’t think it was that far from here or from Chicago. He can visit me at my grandma’s house (his mom) but no, he doesn’t do any of that. The best thing he does is avoid me and for those reasons, I despise talking to him. When I finally came back to reality and decided to call him because maybe he’d changed and he would pick up after all or maybe I was hoping for the best and I knew the truth the whole time.

“Okay, I’ll call him, he probably won’t pick up anyway,” I had to acknowledge the problem, “But let’s see maybe it’s different this time and he’ll pick up!”

Mom was furious now, “I think maybe he wants to really talk to you!”

I was ready to cry because I knew the truth. Every time he’d talked to me he’d lie and say he’d do something and never do it or say ‘I’ll call you back’ but never does he ever call me back.

I knew my mom cared about me and at this point, she thought this would be best for me. I decided would call him and maybe he’d pick up this time. I then told my mom my decision,

“I’ll call him but if he doesn’t pick up don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

She replied with an okay and handed me her phone, I called him, no answer. I tried to call again, no answer. I really thought it’d be different this time, and now that I knew he didn’t change had made me mad. Yes, I wanted to yell and scream, but most of all I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry for believing in him and thinking that he was going to live up to what he said just once. I knew crying wouldn’t make him answer the phone but that’s all I could think of doing. Instead of crying, I went to take my mom her phone.

“Did he pick up,” Mom asked but I knew she could tell by my face that he didn’t, “I guess the silence and the look on your face mean no?”

“You and I both knew he wasn’t going to pick up,” I said, voice shaking ready to cry any moment, “Now do you see why I don’t call or speak to him. He doesn’t care about me!”

Saying this out loud for the first time felt good I finally knew I was no longer loved by him. Not only that but I also learned what heartbreak felt like.

The next day, I got up and didn’t even think about the events of the day before. If I remember correctly I cried my way to sleep last night. All I could think was that I was a mistake on his end because I knew my mom wanted me, she told me every day. Maybe he was just rejecting me without using his words. Or maybe he did care but since he was always busy with another one of my brothers or sister who live with him, there are six of us total, and five of us he knows where they are. If you count the baby he lost it’s seven of us. I don’t think that’s what it was though, I think he just doesn’t love me anymore. I’ve had my time with him and now he has moved on to another person. I just hope he doesn’t come back to me, waiting for forgiveness. I want him to know how he made me feel but I don’t want him to put pressure on me about forgiving him.

“Angél it’s time for school!” my mom yelled snapping me out of my daze.

I’d forgotten it was a school day and I still had to get dressed. Thinking about him only made matters worse. On the other hand, thinking about him was a distraction so I didn’t think about the worse things in my life. I finally got dressed and headed to the door.

“I’m ready to go, mom,” I said as I was leaving, “ I’m taking them to the bus stop.”

To get my mind off of things I talked to my siblings about school while walking them to the bus stop. I’d ask them about school but I couldn’t get my mind off of things. I know it’s okay to think about him, but thinking about him makes me sad and I don’t want to be sad all the time.

“Aren’t you supposed to be leaving, our bus is coming?” Said one of my siblings, I’m not sure which one though.

“Yeah, I guess I should be leaving,” I said snapping out of my daze.

As I walked home from the bus stop I was thinking about what my life has been like without him. I’ve had up and downs in my past days. What if he was still in my life? Would my days be better or worse? I hope this time away from him can turn out to be a good thing. When I think back to the times I did talk to him; I don’t think I was ever really happy. He talked to me once in a while but he didn’t sound too happy talking to him either.

I could just be overthinking it but, I think that he talked o me just because he wanted me to feel like I meant something to him. He just doesn’t know that I know what’s going on. I remember when I went to his house a little over six years ago, Me and my two half-sisters, Ariana and Dana went to the park we stayed out for a long time. My older brother Jason was there, he was about twelve at the time. I used to fit in with them, where we used to do everything together, but now I rarely see them. I used to think he loved me like the rest of my siblings but he doesn’t. He no longer calls, nor does he respond to my texts. At first, I thought it was because his wife was having a baby, my little sister, Amaya. It’s been maybe four or five years, I’m at the point where I don’t know how old Amaya is. The last time I was with Amaya was for her first birthday and we have talked once since then. She’s even started school and I don’t talk to her anymore. Not that I don’t miss them but I don’t think they miss me. To make matters worse I think he lost his job and got a new higher pay job but still sends me nothing for my birthday or Christmas. He also takes yearly trips with his kids but never does he take me, nor does he ask me if I want to go. This means I’ve never been on any of his family trips and that makes me upset because it gives me another reason to be mad at him. He has been on maybe three trips out of Iowa with all of his kids, one of which I really wanted to go on, the one to great wolf lodge. Since he didn’t even think about asking me to go it made me feel like I was just nothing to him and no longer special to him. 

At first, I thought okay a few missed calls and mistakes don’t mean he doesn’t love me maybe he just is busy. As soon as I thought this I knew it wasn’t true. I knew he didn’t care about me anymore, this didn’t really surprise me at all. I didn’t need him because I had my other family who cared more than he ever did and will care. I now know that I may not mean anything to him but to lots of other people, I mean everything to them, especially my mom. He still doesn’t call me or text me nor does he send me anything for my birthday but I know that deep down I still care about him and I care about how he makes me feel even if we don’t talk anymore. My mom once in a while lets me call him because I feel he has changed but I just get let down when he doesn’t pick up the phone. I learned from his actions that no matter how he treated me I will love him and have people to love me back even if it’s not him who loves me back as I want.