I never considered myself a person who has anxiety because doesn’t everyone? Everyone has moments when they feel nervous and so there wasn’t a reason for me to ever think anything of it. What I didn’t realize was that my whole life revolved around this one small word. Such a small word with such a big influence on me. 

I labeled myself as dramatic and moved on because it was the easiest thing to do. It was easier than understanding what was truly going on. I thought the only way to have anxiety was to have panic attacks but what I didn’t realize was that it was so much more than that. I wasn’t being dramatic when I couldn't drive because anytime a car came near me I would start to cry because a million scenarios came into my head and they all had fatal outcomes. It wasn’t dramatic when I wasn't able to meet new people or date because anytime I had to talk to someone new I would get nervous I would make a fool of myself. It wasn’t dramatic that my go to response to any situation I felt slightly uncomfortable in was to have my heart race and feel like I was going to pass out. It was anxiety. 

Anxiety makes all my decisions for me. No one understood when I cried during my speaking finals freshman year or when I had to leave early at every party I went to because I couldn’t handle being around all those people. They didn’t understand when I would freak out because I forgot to do my homework or get a B on a test because the thought of disappointing my parents was the biggest failure I could make in life. And they certainly didn’t understand when I stopped going out as much and didn’t hang out with my friends. The truth was I felt like an outcast when I couldn’t even do the simplest tasks without getting overwhelmed. If anxiety was a thing that everyone experienced why was it so difficult for me to live with.

 As I have lived with anxiety I have also lived with regret. Regret because I was so scared of what people would think that I stopped trying to overcome the challenges of anxiety. I was scared that I would cry if I volunteered to say the answer, so I decided to stop speaking in class altogether. I was scared that my friends wouldn’t want to be around me because I was scared to talk to people like they could. Instead of working through these feelings I shut myself out and hid where I was comfortable. 

Anxiety is not who I am but it is a big part of my life. I have to work through it every day and even small things like going a whole class without crying is something worth celebrating. It’s a slow process but I’m becoming more comfortable in life and that’s the biggest accomplishment in my mind.