Summer Secret

In the pearly white of dawn, what do you wish for? As I lay still at that moment, I prayed for eternity. Well, it was more like I wished, and eternity might be a little too exaggerated. My memories of our twilight days submerged in the deep sea and I couldn’t breathe as I did not understand anything. Nonetheless, I spoke with no half-hearted hope. I wanted you more than any blue sky. 

”Do you like anyone?” you asked. 

The gossip any kid would ask, a simple question. I nodded. A little gossip never hurts. I knew you for so long it wasn’t embarrassing to answer. From there you kept on asking about the one I liked. When we met once a week where we volunteered, you flooded me with questions about the one I liked trying to solve a near impossible mystery. I smiled as I lied. What else could I do? You would’ve thought I was weird. 

Four months passed and the end of April was drawing near. It was the same as alway, we met up once a week for volunteering and still, you brought up the same question. At this point, I was getting irritated. Why couldn’t we just talk like how we used to before you asked me this simple question. And how did you not realize that you were the one I liked? 

So, I decided to do the impossible. It was six o’clock in the evening and yet the sun was still out. We farewelled everyone at the volunteering site and we walked in a quiet neighborhood until we were in front of your side gate. I spoke up, forestalling you as you made to step in.

“Hey, I like you,” my words sounded, felt, muzzy. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but when you replied you liked me also as a great friend, I heartily laughed, “No, I meant, I like you more than friends.” 

We both flushed, the heat rising. You stuttered, unable to say anything. Seeing you in this state was too adorable for my heart to handle. I don’t think what happened next was what I think was done without a second thought. You grabbed my wrist and dragged me inside, the fence running around and the hedges tall enough to cover the both of us. It was strange, kind of like an anime shoujo. Before I could compose myself you hugged me. I looked down in disbelief. Not batting an eye up, you held me, not tightly, not loosely, just in your warmth. Just a moment ago, I confessed my feelings for you. Was this real? After what felt like a long time I wrapped my arms around you. 

“I’m sorry,” I said. Instead of replying, you looked up. You were only a year junior to me, how could you be this short? “I’ve got to go.” You nodded, let go, and walked me out. I did not expect you to return my feelings but it felt right for you to know. I was an honest person after all. And so, I went home. 

Let’s fast forward closer to the end of May.

Sometimes, after volunteering we went to the convenience store and bought drinks and chilled at the park across to your home. You sat next to a forgotten soccer ball while next to you I lay flat on the thick spring grass. 

“I’m going to give you my feelings.” 

“Is that even English? What do you mean?” I frantically sat up on my elbows and took a sip of my soda. My breathing halted. 

“Let’s be a thing,” you said softly. It was so open. So honest.  

“You want to be a thing?” the tone of my voice went from confused to surprised. You nodded. I stared back at you, then proceeded to act like a fool and straight-up chug the soda to hide my expression. It burned and I was sent into a coughing fit, I could not believe it. Let me hug you, let me hold you, let me say thank you, but before I could even breathe properly you patted my back laughing hysterically. I couldn’t help but laugh along, boy was I stupid. Once I calmed down, I spoke.

“I can’t believe you’re returning my feelings. Thank you.” 

“And I can’t believe I’m doing this. I mean, we’re both the same, huh? Feels kind of taboo,” you laughed and I couldn’t hold back a snort of laughter too. The two of us did not know how it was going to work, but we were happy human beings that day. If you were happy, I was happy too. That was all I needed. 

Amidst the next three months, the summer heat kept us together. We cast our gaze up to the bright sun, to puffy clouds swimming with the breeze, the air filled with the sweet fragrance of rose, and finding the words to make you laugh, your smile blossoming up to the sun. The risk was crazy, it brought thrills, our truths and shadows stayed hidden away, this secret we had to hide and pretend. 

Your head peeked out from amongst the hung cassocks as I tried to find one with the right size for me. I brought up both hands to cup your cheeks, leaning forward I mischievously whispered in your ears. Your cheeks turned a pretty pink and skepticism showed on your face. I pretended to act offended. 

“I am wounded! I shan’t recover!” giggling, you wiggled your way out of the robes joining me to do our work. A man in bright green robes peeked from around the corner.

“What are you both doing?” the man stepped closer. We couldn’t stop laughing and I shook you playfully, you cried out trying to sound subtle. 

“She is being mean to me, father!”

“Hey! I am not!”

“Ok then,” the priest heartily laughed. “Come on, get changed, we start in ten minutes,” he walked out of the room. We smiled softly at each other before breaking out in giddy laughter. Just as slow and careful, I inched to your hand, cradling it. Your hand was smaller than mine. I hummed softly. Before walking off, I paused at your side then leaned down and kissed the side of your cheeks.

“You…!” you piped out. Your smile was so big, did it hurt?

“Shut up!” I said, cheeks pinkening just a little, I couldn’t hold back my laughter.

We lost ourselves to the festive air, doing anything to bring out each other's wicked grins, and how I never felt so much in my life. How could you handle it? How did you not explode from all the emotions raging and rushing through your body? I allowed a smile to bloom across my face. Lying next to you, warm and drowsy, the festive warm air filled our lungs. It felt so perfect, so dazzlingly correct when I was with you. Before we knew it, the weeks and seasons were passing. For a long time, we were happy, content, for the most part. 

This was our summer secret. 

Maybe it was the fragile autumn sun. From deep within I knew. Questions, doomed to be answered. They just swing at you, and no matter how hard you swing back the questions always find a way back. Sometimes we did not dare to continue these conversations, but they were inevitable. Weeks passed in this fashion. Days were getting shorter. Days were bitter when the sun turned to rain. Sometimes we cried, others, we were content. Consuming the three words, the ahava which we truly felt because it was not the reason for our parting. 

When we parted ways that one autumn night, I wondered. Where was the summer heat that kept us together? Somewhere, but not here. 

In time, I concluded and accepted the truth, even if eternity did not exist I would not forget the way our hearts felt. My memories of our twilight days submerged in the deep sea calmed and became gentle. From my heart, I’m liking that light-hearted playful tone of your voice. I’m liking the way my fingers glide through your long, soft, silky hair. I’m liking the warm heat of your body. I have looked at those things I’ve liked about you countless times. Whenever I do, I finally understand that I am unable to become your normal happiness. 

That was what I thought years back, I was unable to become your normal happiness. We were both still young, our beliefs came from our traditional family. Now, I understand that romance is romance. To accept it all, even if you don’t understand it all. 

The memories of our twilight days were precious to me. You were precious to me. You were my first love. For many years afterward, I smiled with you.