Adjusting the pillows multiple times and messing up the blanket, I can still hear the ceaseless chirping of the crickets as time trickles by. I tried every method I know but they are all just futile attempts. My mind is blank. It no longer makes a difference whether I open or close my eyelids. The room remains pitch black as I lay in bed. There is only the illuminating red light from the electric mosquito repellent my mother plugged in beside the nightstand. Searching again for a cooler spot on my pillow, I decided to give it one last try…

Why is it so hard to fall asleep today? Turning on to the left side, I take my phone which is fully charged by now from the nightstand. 01:19. After midnight. When did I ever stay up until after midnight? Unlocking the phone, a cool white light suddenly covered my face. Squinting my eyes, I scanned the apps on the homepage. Tapping randomly on something, my camera roll opened up. As I vainly scroll through, a photo of a stuffed animal appeared before my eyes. Teddy. The blanket over me that was once filled with warmth now makes me shiver. 

… 

 “Happy sixth birthday, sweetie!” My mother said happily as she placed a beautiful glittering box in my little hands. 

Although it was not that heavy, I gingerly placed it on the wooden floor and pulled the wrapping strings one at a time. My heart beat faster and faster. As I unwrapped the colorful box, a pink toy box was unveiled. Inside stood a fluffy, light brown teddy bear with a little red heart sewed on one of its palms. 

“It’s a teddy bear with love! Thank you, mama!”

Taking the teddy bear out and hugging it tightly, I did not know what to say but to keep on smiling. My mother laughed and embraced me warmly, wishing me again happy birthday.

“What will you name him, sweetie?” 

“Umm… I don’t know… Maybe Teddy?”

… 

“Mom! Did you put Teddy in our luggage earlier this morning?” I asked loudly, stuffing the last few items for the trip into my backpack. We decided to travel somewhere new this year for my thirteenth birthday. I glanced at the clock that hung above the door: 5:40. Through my thin curtains glowed the orange, illuminating street lights that stood within the morning mist. 

“No, I told you to put it in yourself last night, remember?” 

Why would I pack it last night if I needed it to sleep? Messing up the blankets and the pillows again, I found Teddy and gently set it on top of everything else inside my purple backpack. I now heard my father calling from the hallway that our taxi was waiting outside. Zipping my heavy, overflowing backpack, I took one last look at my room and turned off the lights. Leaving the blanket unkempt and the pillows disarranged, I went out the door as the room turned pitch black… 

After arriving at the train station, the taxi driver helped my father take out our luggage from the trunk. I stood aside and watched the snowflakes fall but then disappear as they touched the ground. From a distance came the distinct sound of the speakers inside the train station that gave out announcements on the latest arrivals and departures. Entering the station, the smell of creosote filled the air. Crowds of people passed by me and walked in various directions. Some were with family, some were with friends, and some were alone. As we waited at the destined platform for our train, my fingertips began to turn a little red and my breath rose into the air in tiny, white clouds every time I exhaled. The odor of creosote in the air also became increasingly stronger. Finally, the train arrived. All of the sudden, hundreds of passengers with bags of various sizes filled the platform. My mother dragged me out of the way as we waited for our turn to board the train. 

I threw my backpack onto the overhead luggage rack. Finally, I was able to sit down and warm myself up again. With the passengers onboard chatting in various languages that were incomprehensible to me, I observed all of the other people moving on the train platform outside through the window which was now partially covered in frost. The sun that was supposed to be bright by now did not shine perhaps because of the unpleasant weather…  

“Sweetie, could you get me your water bottle from your bag?” my mother asked me. 

I stood up and tried to reach for the purple backpack on the luggage rack. My hands did not feel anything. I reached once again. Nothing seemed to be there… No this cannot be true. I gave it one last try by standing on my tiptoe. Nothing except somebody’s antiquated leather bag. I looked further left, right, and under the seats. Nothing. Far away came the familiar sound of the speaker. Teddy. My mind went blank and my vision turned blurry. A taste of salt began to appear on my lips… Teddy is gone. 

Laying in bed until after midnight, every night that week became one of the longest, loneliest nights of my life. 

… 

The room becomes completely dark again and my phone no longer shines against my face. The crickets seem to have quieted down as well. Attempting to pull my blankets further up, I feel a fluffy object next to me. It is the new teddy bear my mother gave me after the week that I lost Teddy. As I hold it closer to my chest, I feel a surge of warmth through my body, calming down my mind. It is not Teddy, but a piece of my mother’s love that makes me feel secure and serene every night. All the endless, dreadful nights now slowly flow away as my eyelids gradually become heavier. Dreams begin to replace the heavy blackness that once conquered my mind. I now feel my lips lift upward and my blanket once again radiates warmth.