Every day when my eyelids open after the first round of alarms. I wake up to repeat the same thing over again. The sound of my fan buzzing in the corner of my room and the weight of my blanket makes it impossible to take the first step and get out of bed. There goes the second alarm, it’s time to get up. My feet get cold quickly after encountering the floor that has been fanned throughout the night. As I mope down the hallway to the bathroom, my dog waits to say good morning along with the pit in my stomach. anxiety. 

It's like a creature that has migrated in order to create a new habitat within me. The same word that was given to me at 8 years old to explain why I've never been able to sleep or sit still or just “go with the flow”. It's stuck with me since. It allows me to psych myself out and change in order to fit in. It has allowed me to be sick to my stomach in the middle of the day no matter what I've eaten. It's a constant reminder that no matter how perfect some people think I am, I will never be capable of living up to the expectations I set for myself years ago.

 Specifically, I recall a time days before the most important race of the season, when my stomach wouldn’t settle. It was a Tuesday evening and I sat there making myself inhale and exhale(counting to five every time) just so I could relax and get something else done. I was so focused on the fact that maybe I’ll do bad that I held myself in a state of fragility until I crossed the finish line that Saturday afternoon. 

As I grow, I've learned how to say “I don’t care” with a straight face to the people who would judge me for being upset over the things they see as pointless. How to laugh when someone says something that stabs me in the heart, even if it was “just a joke”. people who have taught me how easy it is to pretend to be alright. There are so many situations where it feels like it is forbidden to move a muscle. To just walk away. 

Having to make a choice and walk away is nearly impossible when constantly overthinking all of the negative effects that could come from making a positive decision. That’s my life. Living with the constant burden of making a horrible decision and reliving it every day for the rest of my life. Striving to be perfect in order to dispose of things that others may pick on. I find myself constantly overworked and overwhelmed because I've found that the more things I have to focus on, the less I judge her. The girl with straight blonde hair and bright green eyes is always surrounded by conversations she's not a part of. All 62 inches of her are full of bubbles and sunshine until you leave her alone in her own thoughts. She's shy yet not. talkative yet not. she shields her imperfections behind her ability to shapeshift her personality to fit whomever she's talking to. This is me. 

I hope that soon there are fewer than the majority of people who struggle like i do. Struggle with making controversial decisions in fear of pushback and judgment. People have learned about how hard it is to love yourself and everyone goes through a period where they feel like an outcast. It's heartbreaking to experience. Even more, so that it’s unhealable. 

Although it's upsetting, the metaphorical pit in my stomach has helped shape me. It has helped get me in the position I'm in now, surrounded by people who genuinely care to protect my well-being. This diagnosis is something I've been forced to carry with me for almost ten years. There are times when I have to take a break from walking around because it appears to weigh a ton. It's heavy yet when surrounded by joy, sometimes it's weightless. it's not something I've ever been happy to have as a part of me but I refuse to go through life and let it define who I am. I have taken advice from many on how to lighten the load of constantly feeling like gravity is pushing down on me. But it will never go away. It does get lighter as the years go by and I can forever hope that one day it decides to vanish completely.