No Thanks to You, “Dad”.

 I constantly carry the weight of never having the dad I need and deserve. The weight feels like 1,000 boulders. Like a backpack, I cannot remove off my back no matter how hard I try. My dad never taught me how to ride my bike, he wasn't there when I needed him the most, no thanks to my dad I got my first car, I got my first job. I'm envious of my friends who have a relationship with their dads. My jealousy burned inside of me like a fire that could not be put out. My uncontrollable fury lived within me for many years until one day… The fire was out. I didn't care anymore because I knew all the endless emotions of anger, sadness, and hate were wasting my energy and time. 

My sadness turned to anger and my anger turned into disappointment. Why did I get you as a father? Why was I bound to you for the rest of my life? What did I do to deserve this? Absolutely nothing.  The things that went down over the years shouldn't have happened. The tears I cried. The wet streams that came down my cheeks shouldn't have been there. I was 7, dad. 7 years old and I knew what was happening wasn't right. The smell of smoke soaked through my clothes gave me headaches and even made me develop asthma. Did I deserve that too? Or what about the empty promises? The empty promises that were handed out to me were like lottery tickets except I didn't win. The trust issues I developed and still have to get over? The anger I felt over the years as young as the 1st grade? You know what I can thank you for? Making me stronger and to never be like you. To never want to live in those filthy conditions or to never be a narcissist like you. To want to be successful and to be there for my family. To choose my family over me... That's all I can thank you for.

 I remember seeing you for the first time in like two years, we went to your old and very dirty apartment. You were pale, skinny, and very unput together. You smelled like smoke. I saw you two years after everything that happened. All the lies and abuse I endured. The betrayal and the rollercoaster of emotions you put me through. I couldn't even look at you. You were a stranger to me. You were a stranger to me yet... I still remember the little good you had in you. The part I loved. The fun and silly dad I knew is gone and has been, which tears me apart. I should hate you but I don't.. Not anymore. I'm so sick of wanting to hate you and wondering “Will he change?”... We both know the answer to that. So, no thanks to you, Dad. I'll be successful and happier than you'll ever be. No thanks to you, I'll learn to grow as a person and help others when they need it. Slowly through the years, I feel those boulders slowly rolling down my back and getting rid of the weight of the hurt I felt.. What I still feel and will never forgive you for. Thank you for showing me what I should never strive to be as a human being.

I think the saddest thing about this is that I know you could change if you wanted to because like me, when you wanna do something there isnt anything in this entire world that will stop you. I look in the mirror and I see my hazel eyes, your hazel eyes, constantly reminding me of who my father is. I wish I could say it wasn't your fault and things just ended badly because of bad luck but “Dad”.. Its all on you and you know it. The chance that you could be wrong rips you apart huh? The owning up to your mistakes and actually trying to do something about it is too much work, right? We all make mistakes but we can all learn and grow from them yet you don't. I guess this whole experience has really taught me many things such as the want and drive to be better successfully, socially, physically, and mentally. This whole traumatic experience has made me who I'm becoming, the strong independent woman I'm turning out to be. The woman who doesnt want to rely on others to be successful. That's the woman I'm gonna be, no thanks to you, Dad.