It's October 26th, 2022. I wake up for school with my eyes crusted shut from crying myself to sleep the night before. I check my phone expecting a text from him explaining why he cheated on me and why he decided that I was no longer enough for him. No new Messages.  I thought, “Great”. My heart feels heavy. My stomach is aching. I wipe off the day old mascara from under my eyes and throw on gray sweatpants and a red sweatshirt, but all I could think about was, “He always liked this sweatshirt.” I get my water and go to school, I spend all of first-hour fighting tears and trying to keep this achy feeling in my stomach away. 

The school smell makes it even worse. He texts me around 8:15 AM. His text says “Im sorry and I love you, we will be together when I can be better for you”. I can’t hold in my tears anymore. I break down in class, I feel eyes on me. I ask my teacher if I can go to the nurses office because I don't “feel good”. She nods and I go down there. When I walk in the nurse's office, the lights are dimmed and the room smells like new furniture and bandaids. The nurse greets me with “What can I do for you today?”, I tell her, “I'm just feeling a little sick, thats all”. I wasnt lying, but the only part I left out was that a boy was doing it to me. Everything I put up with, the lying, the cheating, the manipulation, the abuse, and HE was the one who left me. I should've been the one to do that a year ago when it first happendhappening. I can't believe I let him take over my emotions. I felt weak, used, and stupid. I didn't understand then and I definitely still don't understand now. 

He was never a horrible boyfriend, or at least I thought so. He has all the qualities to be a good person but he chooses not to be. I mean, I cant blame him. “He's been through a lot and he's just lashing out on me.” Thats what I always told myself. All of my friends have listened to me hurt over him for over a year. They always told me to leave him but I never did because I felt like I couldn't. I lost my best friend over him. I burnt bridges with people who were good for me for somebody who wasn't good for me. After he broke up with me, I fell into a deep depression because of how alone I was. I felt like I had nobody. I missed weeks of school, almost failed all my classes, and did not care about anything other than myself. I'd cope in unhealthy ways. I wasn't okay. 

I went to therapy later that day. The therapy room was bright and full of pink and light blues. It smelled like apple cinnamon. Walking in there I  felt welcome. It had motivational quotes all over the place. The chair was black and fuzzy. My therapist sat me down and pulled out her colorful pens so she could take notes as I was speaking. My therapist had long blonde hair, and her voice was upbeat. She had a laugh that made me forget I was even in therapy. Her eyes were big and blue, I could see them twitch when I told her I missed him. That made me laugh. She handed me a piece of notebook paper and told me to write a letter to him. After about 6 minutes, I handed her my finished letter. As she was reading it, I saw a tear fall down her right cheek. I was confused. I asked her what was wrong with it. She looked at me and said “You have a beautiful way of letting go”.

After I got home that day, I immediately ran up to my room and crashed on my bed. My eyes felt dry from crying all day. My mom came upstairs and asked me to tell her the full story about him. I had a lump in my throat. Before I could even open my mouth, my mom said to me, “No man who loves you would make you feel like you'd be better off dead.”. I start crying even more. I read my mom all of the texts he's been sending me, all of the nasty ones, the nice ones, etc. As I read off the texts, my mom snatched my phone and scrolled through everything. I felt nauseous as I saw her horrified face reading them out loud to me. I never realized how bad it was until I saw tears forming in her eyes. She doesn't say anything, she just walks out of my room. 

I carry this relationship with me everyday. This relationship shaped me into the person I am today. I feel stronger because of it. I will never let somebody treat me as low as he treated me. I will never feel as low as I did over him. I betrayed my friends and family by constantly choosing his abusive actions over the people who wanted to see me do good. Even worse, I betrayed myself. I betrayed my peace of mind, my morals, my future plans, my heart, and my body. I knew everything he was doing was wrong but I never once stopped it. There's obviously things I did wrong in the relationship, but I was just adapting to how I was getting treated. This relationship effected me heavily. It ruined a lot of perspectives for me and everytime somebody does something that slightly reminds me of him, I shut down. This relationship also broke me down to my most vulnerable state. I now have a huge guard up that i’m terrified of breaking down. 

A year ago, I wouldve laughed in your face if you told me i’m better off without him. I've been working on myself and staying away from relationships, not because I'm scared but because I learned that I don't need anybody to make me happy unless I know they are good for my mental health. I had to build myself from the ground up and relearn everything I stood for before him. I got all of my friends back, my family is finally seeing a change in me and they notice im happier. I stopped going to therapy because I don't think I need it anymore. I rarely think about him anymore. I feel like I can fly. My friends like to say i'm back to who I was before him, but I think i'm better than that, I am somebody he will never know.