You've probably seen a kid like me. At your school, in your neighborhood, at the store, or anywhere else. I wonder how you treat them. Do you laugh at them? Do you whisper about them in the halls? Do you avoid them? Do you pretend to be their friend, out of pity or boredom, only to giggle about their "weird" behavior with your friends as they leave the room? 

I am 14 years old. I am in eighth grade, I like to draw and play video games, and I am diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. That isn't my only condition, but you're here to read an article, not a laundry list of my diagnoses and issues. Every day, while everyone else is worried about grades, crushes, and drama, I'm worried about rationing my energy and making it through the day without having an episode, all while trying to avoid the people who treat me like trash just because I'm different from them.

My conditions affect everything. They make it harder to sleep, eat, work, walk, connect with people, understand and control my emotions, and so much more. I need accommodations and help for stuff most people can do with ease. It's harder for me to function. I need accommodations, medications, therapy, and to carefully balance my energy and resources.

People can usually tell there's something off about me. It's not always obvious. I don't carry around a neon flashing sign that lists my diagnoses. But people usually know there's something wrong with me. It can be by the way I have to walk in certain patterns down the hallways, it can be that I work a lot slower then everyone else does, it can be that I don't know how to talk to people. Maybe they'll notice my tics, or the way everything has to be symmetrical. Maybe they were there during one of my episodes, or maybe they see the way I react to loud noises, or to being touched. Maybe it's a combination of small things, or just intuition. It doesn't really matter to me how they know. 

I get targeted a lot. Bullies are drawn to me, like moths to a flame, or dung beetles to a fresh turd. It can range from slightly annoying to majorly traumatizing. A few people have triggered episodes on purpose just because they thought it was funny. They like to walk up to me and pretend to be friendly just to make fun of me. They mock my tics and laugh at me, in the halls and the classrooms. It's not just the students, either. I've had some horrible teachers. They've laughed at me for not knowing stuff, refused my accommodations, refused to explain stuff to me, and more. I've had a teacher who put me in a small room about the size of a closet almost every day as punishment for not paying attention. 

My disorders change the way I interact with friends. Because of my ASD, it's hard to understand social cues. My interests are intense, so it's hard to talk about anything besides them. It's hard to pay attention. It's also hard to relate to my friends. When they ask me if anything new happened lately, they expect me to talk about drama or a school dance, not a new treatment program or a medication change. It's difficult to be my friend, but I know that my real friends won't judge me for things I can't control. 

I want to understand myself, and I want to understand others, and I want others to understand me. I want to be able to do everything they can do. I want people to treat me like a person. I want to be able to do things without my brain and body interfering every step of the way. Even the small things are affected. I often have to search through multiple stores just to find one pair of pants that won't trigger my sensory issues. I have a list of 19 foods that I can eat, and they all have to be cooked a specific way. Someone sitting in my seat at school can trigger an episode. I struggle with things everyone takes for granted. I don't want to struggle.

I wish I could make people live a day in my shoes. The people who make fun of me, the people who claim to be my friend but quietly stop interacting with me after seeing an episode, and everyone else. I don't want pity, I just want them to understand. I can't do that, though. I can't transport someone into my life and have them live my struggles as I watch from afar. But I can write. I can write this article and tell everyone on Teen Ink what it's like to live life on hard mode. Maybe next time you see someone like me, you won't stare, or laugh, or judge, or look away. I hope this has changed someone's perspective.