It's been almost a year since the first article, the baby is one now. the dude and chick changed their number. I've given up on the man I used to love and the possibility of ever meeting the baby. the friend and I are still friends.

I've met the pain of losing more people important to me, once again. a lot has happened in this almost year. 5 toxic relationships that lasted no more than a month a piece, the shortest one being 2 days (he cheated on me). I've given up on the prospect of having a loving, meaningful, and respectful relationship. I'm not even 17 and I'm saying that! how pathetic it must seem for a 16-sum-year-old girl to say she's given up on love.

I'd rather stick to my art (sketching, photography, and writing) athletics (running cross country, swimming, lifting weights (to hopefully become a bodybuilder someday), running track, wrestling on the side (for fun)-) I've lost more friends than I can count for transferring to another school in the area. Lost a few VERY loved relatives. Had rumors going around my old school that I transferred because I was pregnant (HOW ABSURD!!) when how could I have transferred as a "pregnant teenage girl" and not look like I've ever been pregnant? no one did the math on that rumor and it shows. not to mention, if I had transferred due to teenage pregnancy, I would have given birth by now and would be at home taking care of a baby not sitting in a classroom every day.

sorry if this seems like rambling- editors and hopefully later, readers- I've had a few energy drinks by now, and haven't slept all night due to trying to avoid the nightmares and night terrors that come with my mental health disorders, namely my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

I'm trying to organize this better so you can skip the seemingly bipolar tidbits more easily if you desire. I've not slept more than 9 hours at a time or more than 11 hours a day since 2018. Currently going on lack of sleep for 3 days. My record is 6 days- 144 hours- with no sleep. I plan to break it someday, but I've also been able to map my depressive episodes to the times I don't sleep for more than 4 days. These are the times that my hygiene spikes in improvement because I have nothing better to do when I can't sleep. 

Sometimes I wonder if anyone will love me since so many who have said they do have left me. I don't care, but it's the concept, you know? I’ve had 5 different guys since May 2023 tell me they love me and I can’t safely say that any of them meant it. I know for a fact that 2 were just trying to manipulate me into sending them money among other things. Not to mention the fact that I’ve dated 3 guys from my school. Once over this past summer (summer fling of sorts) and 2 since August (neither of them meant when they told me they loved me. One dumped me for a teammate(everything on good terms), and the other let a female friend in our lunch group influence our relationship) 

I’ve decided that when I die it’s going to be on my terms, not something stupid like a car crash but also not petty like suicide. I want to die surrounded by the waves, the sand, and the people I love. Though drowning would be ironic, it would be ironic for me to drown because I'm a strong swimmer. I've been swimming since I was 4. 

This is not a final letter by any means so please don't think that simply because of the “doom and gloom” appearance. This is merely pointing out how a lot can change in a year.

I ran into the guy during a downtown party night. I saw him and had to run out of the store immediately after paying to maintain some shelter from him realizing it was me. I said to my friend: “Oh my gosh, that was (his name). I need to hurry up and get out of here before he realizes it was me!” and we ran downstairs, got ready to pay and I realized I forgot the other thing id been looking for upstairs on the 3rd floor so I sprinted back up 2 flights of stairs and slowed down so she could catch up, also knowing the guy was on the 3rd floor. She caught up and we walked the rest of the way to the “booth” with the shirt. We had to walk right past the guy to get to the booth but I don't know if he recognized me. He noticed her, but I've changed my appearance since he saw me last so I’d be somewhat scared if he had recognized me. We got the shirt and went to the stairs to go back to the 2nd floor. We ended up right behind him. Oh my goodness if I hadn't been in the middle of a panic attack, I would have been flustered to see him. But I was having a panic attack so it wasn’t an option to be flustered. I was too busy trying to breathe like a normal person. And you know what? I’m still in love with the guy but I don’t need to deal with risking him doing anything like he did our last night together. So I refuse to do anything about it. Well, that and the fact that I can’t do anything until I’m 18 anymore because our ages are now problematic.