“She has four different fractures and her shoulder badly displaced; she’ll need physical therapy to gain control and stability again.” “Probably will never be the same as far as athletic abilities dealing with shoulder movement or even as simple as the brushing of hair.”

I’m broken.

Those words were almost as bad to hear as the pain in my throbbing shoulder. I’ll never be the same again. How long will it take to heal? What about school? Am I going to have to drop out? What is physical therapy? Will it hurt?

Tears rushed to my eyes and out like water bursting through a dam. Everything around me started to fade as I thought about what actually happened to me just an hour or so before, and how everything will change.
I’m broken.

Its seventh hour at middle school falls as the halls start to clear and the tone sounded; I rushed to my seventh hour science class with Mr. Thompson. Passing poster after poster of bright, unique, colorful art congratulating the volleyball team on they’re big win of 58 to 0 against our rivals the Cougars the night before. Mr. Thompson started talking about electrical currents, and I began my day dreaming. After being interrupted by a light knock on the door a lady from the office appeared and handed out notes from the office. I snapped back to reality like a rubber band and got a notice that my mom had dropped off my knee pads in the office for me.

Heading toward the office I followed the one tile wide maroon path as to the plain beige ones. I glanced out the dingy large blue window pane in the hallway, and I took in the warm sun, bright blue autumn sky, and falling leaves. The halls had just been waxed and scuffs had been removed leaving the faint smell the wax used which has a lemon like scent. The school day is coming to an end and without any problems or accidents besides me forgetting my knee pads at home.

Or so I thought…

After getting my game winning knee pads I took my time retuning to class. After turning the corner and looking up I barley caught my breath before I guy on wheelies wearing red shirt with the Pepsi logo and blue jeans smashed into me like a freight train. Still in shock I attempted to sit up and stand, only when I tried to move my right arm and shoulder it stayed as if I was being stabbed numerous times over and over again.

“I’m sorry.” He said

Tasting the salt from the tears falling from my eyes I mumbled back with “It’s okay just go get me some help my shoulder really hurts.” I didn’t hear him say anything in return; he rode off as fast as he could. When he returned Miss Kane the school nurse was running alongside of him. They both took a knee and Miss Kane asked what happed as the kid explained what he did. I must have run out of tears because when he finished I looked at her and just stared and asked if she could call my mom. While on the phone with my mom I overheard Miss Kane say that I should go to the emergency room as soon as my mom arrived to get me. I sat on the cool maroon tile for what seemed like hours until I had no other choice but to move or to be moved. The pain being unbearable and motion didn’t help at all; something was very wrong and everyone around helping me could tell which made it obvious that this could not possibly be good.

Now this just great, what am I going to tell the girls? Do they already know? What about Coach what is she going to have me do? Can I still play? Will I ever be able to play again? Thinking just made my head throb, everything was so chaotic. I just want to curl into a ball and sleep until this all goes away, or wake up as if this is a nightmare. I’m broken.

I arrive at Community Memorial Hospital and before long I could barely keep my eyes open they weighed a ton. I felt them starting to droop. Waiting in the emergency waiting room for what seemed to be less than five minutes until my name was called and they started my charting. I had fallen asleep and woke up in my own little hospital room with my mom who watched a boxed television and noticed immediately that I woke up, and she pushed a little red button to get a nurse.

“Mom my shoulder, it really hurts.” I said as I was pulling my limp arm closer.

“I know, I know the doctor will be in shortly it will be better soon” She assured me and squeezed my left hand.

“Do you know what’s wrong with it Ma?”

“It looks broken Hun, is it numb how does it feel? Are the meds working yet?” She cooed.

“It feels like when your foot falls asleep, but it still hurts so you try not to move or do anything until it wakes up. The meds haven’t kicked in yet and it’s starting to scare me they can fix it right?”

There happened to be a light knock on our door, and a nurse walked in and told me that she will be going to take me to get my x-rays. It was as if someone hit the slow motion button everything stood slow and bright I’m lying in a white bed going to a room with a person I don’t know, who is probably going to make me move my shoulder and cause me pain, and all I could possibly think about was how tired I am. I can barely keep my eyes open; everything we pass is white floors, rooms, blankets, sheets, walls, everything being white, it’s all colorless and plain. We just turned left I believe then right and another left I think now we are stopped in a room that’s different from everything we just passed. Its dark in here that’s why it is different everywhere else was bright but in here; I liked it. It’s quiet in here also no kids, crying or coughing, just silence, me, the nurse, and a girl behind a window who I assume to be the one taking the x-ray pictures.

The nurse had me put on this dreadful, heavy, dark vest on my chest so my insides wouldn’t hurt I guess, or at least that’s what I heard her say. I had to move my shoulder now so she could take a picture of it but, when I tried I couldn’t move it. It was frozen in place I even pinched my own finger to see and sure enough just dead weight total and completely numb. She lifted it slowly and positioned it against a board that had an “R” on it. My eyes were closed underneath the these weird glass she had put on me and I was waiting to hear a few clicks or see flashes something that would honestly scare me.

I’m broken.

Nothing happened though which could be bad. Great I broke the stupid x-ray machine now what will happen? After about five minutes a hear the machine turn off it sounded like a large dog panting after a long run with its owner. The nurse walked in and lightly tapped my left should to get my attention and take off the glasses she had put on me. I asked if my shoulder was broken she replied “yes your clavicle is fractured in four separate areas and severely displaced” Lovely my mom was right and that doesn’t even sound good I wonder how long it’s going to take to heal before volleyball I hope…..

I’m broken simple as that, yet in such a confusing way; broken never to be the same again only to be broken am I meant to be.
Recovering went by slowly nothing really memorable besides the pain which I really don’t want to bring back to mind. My shoulder hasn’t fully healed back to what it used to be, and I guess I haven’t either really. I’ve been in physical therapy for just a little over 5 years, and it does help and hurt a little. Although I have come to the conclusion that maybe breaking my collar bone wasn’t so bad, for it made me realize just how valuable life is and how thankful I am to be here even if I am broken.

I am broken whether it be one of my bones or one of my hopes but maybe just maybe my brokenness will become unbroken one day and that is what I life for.