For as long as I can remember I’ve known that I was adopted. My parents never wanted it to be a secret. They told me about my biological mother, Heather, who was 17 when I was born. Her mom kicked her out, and her boyfriend told her he didn’t want to be a father.

My parents tried for 16 years to have a baby before they decided to adopt. My grandmother’s best friend knew Heather’s mom, so she put my parents in touch with her. They say that Heather gave me up because she loved me but was unable to be a good mother at the time. My parents explained that I didn’t have a relationship with Heather because it was too painful for her. My biological father was a drug addict who was in and out of prison and not much of a father to my younger sister, Gabrielle.

Heather lived with my parents for the six months before I was born, so I have two pictures of her, stories my parents told me, and a few letters she wrote to me. One picture was of her opening gifts with my family on her birthday. The other was of her dressed up as a cowgirl – with a huge baby bump. My parents told me that Heather was like a daughter to them. My mom became her best friend, and my dad loved to tease her. They gave me the letters she wrote when I was old enough to read and understand them.

As I grew older, I thought about my biological family often. I wondered what my sister was like and whether she would have been my best friend if we had grown up together. I wondered why Heather got pregnant twice by the same man within three years, even though the first time had been a mistake, and I wondered why she gave me up but decided to keep my sister. I didn’t know much about Heather, so I filled in the blanks with my imagination. In my mind, she was still as beautiful as she was at 17. She was incredibly smart, so after she gave me up for adoption she got an education and a great job. She was a kind and loving mother to my sister, and she was as close to perfect as anyone could get.

I had just started the ninth grade when my mom said to me, “Heather sent me a message on Facebook. She’s been thinking of you a lot lately, and if it’s all right with you, your dad, and me, she and Gabrielle would like to meet you.”

“Of course,” I said, so my mother told Heather that it was okay to contact me.

That night she sent me a message. It said, “I think about you all the time. Giving you up is my biggest regret, but I know I gave you a better life. Gabrielle and I are very excited to meet you.”

Because we live in Georgia and they live in Maryland, we would meet halfway in North Carolina. My teachers were curious when I told them I would be absent, but since it would take forever to explain and answer the endless questions, I just told them I had a family obligation. I picked out my best outfit, fixed my hair, and did my makeup perfectly. I had no clue what expectations Heather had, but I didn’t want to disappoint her.

When my parents and I arrived at the hotel, Heather and Gabrielle were already there. I was surprised to see how much they looked like me. It was like looking in a mirror. Heather hugged us – me first and then my parents – and my dad lined us up to take a picture. We made small talk, and later we all went out to dinner.

My parents seemed comfortable with Heather, even though it had been almost 10 years since they had last spoken. I, on the other hand, had no idea what to say to my birth mother and sister.

Back at the hotel, after everyone else headed to their rooms, Heather stayed to talk to me alone. She started telling me what I’d heard from my family all my life: “I gave you up so you would have a better life. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I loved you more than anything in the world.”

“I know,” I said, and she started to cry. We talked for a few hours about school, work, and friends until we couldn’t stay awake any longer.

The next morning, over breakfast, my parents joked about how Gabrielle and I put cream cheese on our bagel in the same way and took our coffee black. Clearly we were sisters. After breakfast, my mom and Gabi took a walk together, getting to know each other, while Heather and I did the same.

That night, Heather told us she needed to return to work the next day, so we parted ways in the morning. My mom cried on the way home, but I wasn’t sad. It was nice to meet Heather and Gabrielle, but it wasn’t what I expected.

A few days later, my dad tried to call Heather, but she didn’t pick up. A week passed and she didn’t call him back. My mom sent her messages on Facebook, and I texted her a few times, but she seemed to want nothing to do with us. It didn’t bother me that much, but it broke my heart to see the effect her silence had on my dad. He had been so excited to reconnect. He loved Heather like a daughter, and now she wouldn’t even return his phone calls.

I was angry at her. I knew it must have been difficult to welcome us back into her life, but it had been her choice. It was her choice to have unprotected sex with a man who couldn’t provide for a family, her choice to give me up, and her choice to bring us back into her life. She was hurting my family because she’d made bad choices.

Heather called my dad three months later to apologize. She told him that she had been busy. She stayed with us for a week that summer, and since then I’ve been to Maryland to stay with her twice, even though there’s always a month with no communication after each visit. Conversation gets easier every time, and our relationship has improved, but I’m not sure that we will ever really know how to act around each other. Because our relationship is so unique, there’s nothing to model it after.

Heather isn’t especially beautiful like she was as a teenager. She’s a dental assistant with only a high school education. Because Gabrielle is home alone most of the time, she has more freedom than most girls her age, so she gets into trouble a lot and is failing most of her classes. Heather isn’t as kind as I imagined. She’s immature and a little selfish. Gabrielle isn’t like a sister or a best friend to me.

Even though we didn’t live up to each other’s expectations, we’ve learned to love each other. I believe I’m better off with Heather and Gabrielle in my life, because I already have an incredible family, and you can never surround yourself with too many people who love you.