“Ils ont dit que l'amour fait mal, je ne savais pas que la douleur a pu être constante”. I translated it into a language you probably don't understand so you would would get the feeling i felt the whole time;shocked confusion.  It means “They say love hurts , I didn't know pain could be constant”. When I was younger.. Younger meaning brain-wise [ lets just say I did a lot of growing up in two years] I used to write about love. Love I felt I knew. Love I felt was true. Love I felt was bliss. But in reality, that love was a hit or miss. Thing one component of love I should of had I missed completely. Yes that sounds a bit off but beesch me. The “love” I used to know felt something like this:

I liked her..
I liked her with every fiber of my being..
I liked her so much I lost meaning…
I liked her so much I had no problem seeing..
Other guys feening..
And them getting attention..
While I was there not getting a mention..
Liked her so much it almost started to bind..
I almost lost my mind..
I had gone blind..
I had planned on being her steps..
The shoulder which she wept..
The bed which she slept..
But I was rather a doormat..
And none of her wants I could have met.But nonetheless..
I liked her..
Ha. who am I kidding..
I loved her.

Now let's get to what's wrong with this. Where is the why? Why did I “love” her? What about her was so fascinating? What about that love was so true to me ..besides the fact it felt good and was new to me...that made me so sure that I wrote this and about 24 more? As I grew in that two year period I realized that this wasn't love but rather how do I say.. ‘LogiXH’. LogiXH is a variable of love. The type of love that erodes your logic to you are logically handicapped hence the “XH” which basically stands for the  cutting of logic. It's the type of love you feel when you are like two. The type of love those kids describe as true. However, I am not two anymore and it was time for me to wake up. After the first year I realized my love was blinding and unfortunately also binding. I couldn't get off it . she was like a drug. I was hooked on..addicted to. I found myself spewing things like this:

Once..
I had this crush..
And I felt this lust..
And I felt my body.. Was gonna combust..
Turn to dust..
And my heart would be left to rust..
Or the crust of my emotions earth..
Would brush against the slides..
Cause landslides..
Because though you were eroding my heart..
I couldn't stop the destructive cycle.

Here is an even worse example. Why feel this way about a person even if it was hurting me? Was I numb to pain or just couldn't see..that this love was missing a major key. Either way I forgave myself. But there were a couple steps to this. First, I had to apologize to her. Yes I know why in the world would I be apologizing to someone who basically refused to acknowledge my feelings/ but let me explain. There are two factors:
The realization that in life as perfect as a person could be [to you] it is not their fault if you like them and they don't like you.
Xommunication.
Let's get down to the first one. In life we can not force a person to like us and therefore can not blame them for our broken hearts. The logic in this case is “hey you are amazing but you don't like me which is ok” [I don't like me either] . and the second variable which is why in my case I felt I owed her an apology or atleast shouldn't feel like she owes me anything, Xommunication. This variable is exactly what it should be.. The inability to communicate..which leads to my second to last poem exhibition:

A forgotten memory..
Of one who was there…
When she was next to me it felt hard to get air..
My mind felt more cluttered than it already was by her stare..
Her presence..was just too much to bare..
When she spoke..
I felt something stopped the words from leaving my throat..
This time it wasn't even a pun..felt like a cat always had my tongue..
I buckled to always have a response..
Of course..I realized..
Half the time..
They werent gonna be in english..
And it would be too embarrassing to translate..
Can't even communicate with her..just great..
At this time..
I thought..maybe if you were the nice guy..
Always saying hi..always harbored that great ship of a smile..
You'd get the pretty girl you fawned over..except in this case..it wasn't her style.

As you can see.. The issue was all me. Can't blame a girl for not hearing what you didn't say, life doesn't work that way. Generally speaking, you can't blame someone for not acting on something left unsaid. Silence speaking a thousands words also means not one of them is heard .Humans pick up, and can pick up a lot but that doesn't apply to everything and due to this is honestly, in all honesty, was not her fault. From the start it was me. My fault for liking her , wanting to be with her , my fault. I take accountability for my own pain because after all..she was the sweetest little thing. It was through this, this realization, that made me now start writing stuff like this;

I'll put it this way
The way I feel about you
Well lets just say
it's how I'm relieved everyday
Knowing you’re alive
And if that's a lie..
Everything might as well be fake
The world , continents , people…. everything
Cause it wouldn't be worth living
It would be worse than a lie
And I only need one
Which is loving you
Whether you love me back
It wouldn't matter
Loving you is all I need
Your happiness whether provided by me or another is ok
And if that's a lie
This could all be a dream
A fairytale
But just don't wake me up.

Maybe I'm a bit too smart for my own good. I saw love..as an equation. In my eyes , love was basically..
No logic + just feeling + reason or no reason + always being there + always trying to care = LOVE.  seemed a had a new mistress.. Clouded perception. She was an upgrade from self pity in terms of the fact that she was so blinding I found myself in undeniable comfort. Believing that lie , that young love .. that first loves can be hard BULLSHIT..was like the pillow of comfort I yearned for. As days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months , I found myself more and more uncomfortable but more over the fact that things weren't going to work out.

One of the things that sting the most now that I reminisce, would be the fact I was in a situation that made me so sad I cried..We were in the woods on a school trip. It was time for the big campfire the day before our departure. We were to sit in our groups have fun , play some games and eat s'mores without a care in the world. She was there , on a bench and in my group {at the time screaming lucky me ] and  I went over and sat not to far from her so it wouldn't look like I wanted to be next to her[Goddamn i wanted to be next to her]. I inched closer i guess and she looked over so i stopped. Unfortunately what hurt my feelings..[what genuinely broke me ] was when she called someone over and they switched so I ended up sitting next to them instead of her. As minor as it seemed , what threw me off was that it was uncalled for in my opinion [unless sitting next to her was a cosmic crime] and it to this day made no sense. I guess self pity missed me on this trip because she came back in full swing. I couldn't continue sitting there.. It was like a knife, it started to protrude more and more till the pain was unbearable. It was as though for a long time she was cutting my heart but my love numbed the pain.but this time I could feel every vein tear all at once..however.. no one noticed. I was on emotional overdrive at this point. “Men don't cry” they say , I'm no man . my eyes became waterfalls of the edge of a universe in which the bottom could not be seen. alot hurt till I finally became free of the binding “love’ I thought I felt but before  but what pierced me the deepest was her inability to say it directly ..which is all I needed to hear . that same trip I tried to give her a note..that explained how I felt but it .. got lost on the way. Let's just say, notes are cliche..and unfortunately , not water-resistant.

Again , it's no ones fault silence speaks a thousand words  unheard. The thing about this particular silence was that it was unheard. I also looked to poetry to help give off what I felt. I wrote entire books filled of poems for her that she read. She claimed  she loved them..I guess at the time ... it was enough for me. As she smiled and exclaimed my poetry was amazing , it never did what I wished it would , make me feel better. I was suck complacent because after a certain point , I realized she took it as a general standpoint and never to heart the way I wrote them , the way I wanted it to come across. Xommunication is a b**** I guess.

School. My most loved yet most hated setting. Slim yet filled hallways. Short yet prolonged days. So much unnecessary commotion. Classrooms that taught distraction instead of lessons. Yet at this time, none of that was noticed , none of that mattered. She had all my attention. How to please her well, was my only wanted lesson. As I walked through the hallways with everything but her a blur. Heck , at one point school wasn't even school but a stage where I performed my greatest acts just for her applause. But , not one clap. If claps were the embodiment of pity then lets just say the audience wanted an encore. Of course , I still pursued. Sometimes her smile was like a light so bright, sight was impossible and being blind was my only dream..my only option.

One day, I remember the day wasn't too great. I wasn't too happy. I mean , I made others happy and that helped, but to be honest I wasn't happy , which was fine. My only care was that she was so I mean hey , mission accomplished. However, this day was different. She was off too. And that collided my tower of ‘’ happiness for others’’. I made me .. crestfallen. At the end of the day it felt like I was dragging bricks by a string and couldn't drop them. However lucky me, I managed to change this day last period. We had quite the conversation.

“What's wrong?” I asked never wanting an answer more..
“Nothing” she sighed.. [obviously it was a lie]
“What is it?” I insisted.. [please ..of all people talk to me}
“Well my grades bother me and i attract unwanted attention”.she lamented..
[it doesn't seem that way to me] “well you shouldn't worry about grades everyone is suffering..plus I can help you out”.. I reassured [ why didn't she just ask for help.. As though she didn't know i'd do anything for her]…
“But besides that” I continued.. “What do you mean unwanted attention?”..
I already knew what she mean..her answer still hurt..it was just cushioned by my knowledge and anticipation.
Ironically, Looking back at it , it just made life harder. Love was rooted and i didn't care for it anymore. I wanted to be rid of it. Days like this made that really hard to do. But nonetheless, having her smile made me smile so that was good at the time. Maybe tomorrow, i said, maybe tomorrow could change everyday before today, maybe it could make her feel the same way. More like , LogiXH made me erode..she made my feelings a game. I didn't want to play and the game never ended cause she never said she didn't feel the same.

Every night… I would lie awake...thinking of multiple futures..where I was  happy..happy with her. However, at the time unfortunately , they were nothing but dreams..nothing but things I could imagine. They were like drugs..painkillers that eased the hurt..the hurt caused by  knowing that those same painkillers would do nothing but ease constant pain..that was only to lead to my imminent end. It's poetic..my love for her numbed the pain caused by loving her.

“Hey Rickey “
“Oh Hey Heartthrob”
“I love your poems. I want to keep that one”
“Sure[it was for you anyway]’’
The type of conversations… gosh about the other guys.. I supported those endeavors...with tears to my eyes..
”he's perfect for you “..
oh the constant lies..
“I support you two’’..or my heart cried..
“You really think so”..
As far as she knew “I do’’..
But in my honest opinion..
I was perfect for you.

One of my favorite moments.. Her departure. She transferred schools and I was forced to be free from her glaze..and now I could get over her..yet when she returned i found myself frozen when she was mentioned or when I saw her and I didn't even know why.

That fateful day..I saw her on the street… I remember my name being called out by friends as she ran towards me..I didn't see her and looking back at it..I didn't feel anything..everything was in slow motion as she speeded to get to me amidst cars.. [through a red light I thought].. She really must have wanted to see me. Yet , all I noticed , were things i always saw. The starbucks across the street,the dunkin donuts some stores after.. She was in view and the only thing I didn't want to see. My palms felt sweaty..I wasn't sure how I should feel..should I feel anger..resentment..or what the me from months ago would have felt..happiness.
As she embraced me… I only felt numb..I knew I was free.

“Rickeyyy I missed you..”she gushed..
“Oh hey..i missed you too” I mumbled.. [i really didn't].
“How have you been”..I continued..[it was only appropriate]..
“Not too good..without you in my life”..she sighed..
[BULLSHIT].. “Aww”... I exclaimed..

Why did she come back..why did she do that to me.. Throw me back into a spiral I just got out of.. Yet.. I realized I was numb. There I was blank faced..in front of one who couldn't have been happier to see me..finally..it wasn't mutual.