Ballet was a significant part of my life for over four years. I loved it because of the challenge, the effort required to improve every single day. In the fall of my sophomore year, I moved by myself to Florida to attend Miami City Ballet’s pre-professional program. This program required three to five consecutive hours of ballet class per day, six days a week. There were no breaks between classes, and we were expected to work as hard as possible.

I had sacrificed so much in my life to be there; I was a six-hour plane ride away from my family. The pressure in Miami was intense. The program wanted to prepare us for life as a professional dancer in the company, and our technique was criticized in every class. There was also pressure to be thin. As a dancer, you need to be strong and lean. I had never had an issue with that, I was always naturally built that way. However, the teachers in Florida did not hint about us needing to be thinner, and I found myself desiring an unhealthy weight. I had heard about eating disorders in the past and potentially knew more about them than the average person. That’s why I never imagined that it would happen to me.

I began to restrict my eating in September of 2018 after I weighed myself on my roommate’s scale. It wasn’t drastic at this point; I still justified my behavior as normal. The other girls around me also talked about their “healthy diets,” and I told myself that my habits weren’t any different. I have always been strong-willed and perfectionistic – two traits that can be beneficial, but are also linked to anorexia. Unfortunately, my obsession with food and weight continually got worse. I weighed myself multiple times a day and heavily restricted my calorie intake. I still furiously exercised in ballet class and pushed myself to exhaustion. By November, I had lost over 10 pounds.

At this point, my parents started to realize how unenergetic and depressed I seemed over the phone. They knew something was wrong. I wanted to tell them, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The logical part of me knew that I needed help, but the other part told me that I still wasn’t thin enough and I needed to lose more weight. I had two days off from regular ballet classes for Thanksgiving break, so I flew home by myself for the weekend. As soon as I arrived, my parents realized what was wrong. I broke down and told them everything; I am so thankful that I did. After it was decided that I wouldn’t be returning to Miami, I was extremely conflicted. I was relieved that I was home, but I knew it meant I would be receiving treatment that would force me to eat.

I was diagnosed with anorexia one week after Thanksgiving. It was recommended I attend a day program at the UCSD Eating Disorders Center for Treatment and Research. However, I was not cleared to attend this program because of my heart rate. Because I had lost so much weight in such a short amount of time, my organs suffered. My heart rate was dangerously low, and the doctors were worried that I might go into cardiac arrest when I slept. I was admitted to Rady’s Children’s Hospital where I was fed and my heart was monitored. They also found an issue with my liver that would only be mended with rest and calories. I was in the hospital for four nights and five days. During this time, I realized the serious damage I had done to my body, and I was ready to recover. After being discharged from the hospital, I moved directly into the day program at UCSD. I was there for 10 hours a day at first, but quickly progressed and moved into the six-hour per day schedule. I attended the program for five weeks and was discharged into outpatient care on January 4.

As part of recovery from an eating disorder, I was not allowed to exercise for a few weeks. During this time, I thought about ballet and whether I truly wanted to continue it. It wasn’t something that bought my joy anymore. Dancing was tightly tied to my eating disorder and the two couldn’t be separated. I let go of ballet, but I haven’t regretted it once. When I was finally allowed to exercise, I began with walks around the neighborhood with my mom. We also took long hikes and yoga classes together, and she would occasionally let me run a few steps ahead of her. These activities were incredibly enjoyable for me, but I especially loved running. I didn’t enjoy it because I was good at it, but because it was exhilarating. Being outside in the sunshine did wonders for my mood, and running helped me realize that I don’t need to be amazing at something to continue it. Right now, I am running multiple times per week. Unlike ballet, I’m not trying to make it my career. It’s just for fun.

As for where I am now in my eating disorder recovery, some days are better than others. I still struggle with it every single day, but I am home and have people around me for support. This hardship has completely changed my outlook on exercise. I know that I still need to pace myself because I am in recovery, but I take every day as an opportunity to get a little bit better. I celebrate every meal I eat, every minute I exercise, and every day I am free of anorexia. I do not exercise to burn calories anymore, I do it because I love it.