Failure, just complete failure! Have I taught you nothing?! When your teacher is taking roll, always practice how you’re going to say “here” before they call you. You sounded like a cat coughing up a hair ball, it was tragic. If you keep this up your teacher is literally going to remember you as the girl who sounded like a weeping walrus. I have no idea what that sounds like, but I can assure you it’s definitely not a pleasant sound. 

Oh, and don’t even get me started on how you responded when your history teacher mispronounced your name. You stuttered in front of the entire class, and you know what? I was very, very disappointed in you. Not to mention they laughed at you, they thought it was funny, now what? Now you’re gonna be remembered as the girl who can't simply correct someone when they mispronounce her name. However, I will give you your props considering you’ve been doing this all your boring and antisocial little life. I mean seriously, the pronunciation of your name is the epitome of rocket science.  

Have you ever heard you’re laugh? Or should I say laughs? I don’t think you realize, but you have like 16 different laughs and all of them sound like your either choking on your own oxygen or trying to speak horse, and may I add that it sounds even worse on recordings. Your voice is like an abomination of Kermit the frog and SpongeBob put together. Have I hurt your feelings yet? Probably not since you act like nothing phases you but deep down you know that you are just an itty-bitty gummy bear, not a jawbreaker. 

I don’t think anyone has told you (probably because they don’t have the guts to do it) but your corny sense of humor is probably the 2nd top reason as to why you have no life. I will admit your sarcasm has me feeling like a proud mama bird but those corny jokes make me with I was an actual person so I could slap you every time you made a corny joke. It’s utterly ridiculous how corny you can be sometimes! I don’t know where you get that from, but you do not get it from me. 
You know, some people were born tall and some people were born not so tall. You just happened to be one of those unlucky people who were born with what I call short people problems. Oh, and in case you didn’t realize, being 5’3 doesn’t make you tall, it just makes you a half inch taller than your mom. Wanna know why you can never shoot a hoop? It’s not just because you have terrible aim when it comes to basketball, it’s because you’re like a third or Michael Jordan’s height!  
Oh, am I annoying you? Haha sorry not sorry, I'm just here to be brutally honest with you. I mean nowadays you can’t really pinpoint the people who will be this level of honest with you, but you’ll listen to me one of these days and you’ll realize that I’m right and you’re just a squishy little gummy bear. Until then, keep calm and overthink. Oh, wait that’s my job!