I was woken by the sound of birds chirping, the fruit and bread vendors' loud announcements on their speakers and the sound of my dearest grandmother getting ready for mass while simultaneously trying to keep herself as busy as possible. I layed in bed resting from the previous day of running errands and what felt like running an entire marathon in the span of a few short hours.

* * *

Days earlier, I stood towards the small crack between the plane and the boarding bridge. The cold breeze brushed against the back of my neck causing a wave of chills throughout my body. The mixture of moon light and light pollution from the hundreds of light poles stationed around the airport filled the air. Stepping onto the plane, I was welcomed with a prompt; Hola, Bienvenidos. I quickly walked down the aisle observing the people seated to the left and right of me. Some going on vacation, some making the trip to honor a death and some going back to see family for the first or last time. As I sat facing the wing of the plane I questioned what category I fell under. I was simply visiting to have fun, but “fun” always meant a mixture of added family affairs and a few moments of laughter and smiles. But it was never a simple fun weekend or long vacation. It was 3 to 14 days of acting, judgment, constant stares, putting up a facade, lying to my loved ones and pretending to be someone I am not.

* * *

Straight out of bed, I walked down the familiar big tile steps and went directly into the shower. As per usual, I stood there slightly falling asleep with such warmth and comfort so I quickly got out of the steaming water. As I stepped out of the shower, the loud sound of the orange juicer filled the whole lower level of the house. Promptly leaving the bathroom my grandmother had prepared all sorts of fruits, fresh juice and a few eggs. After having stuffed my mouth I ran upstairs to choose an outfit for mass. 

* * *

The plane was cold. Not only in temperature but also in mood. I’m not sure if I was the only one but it sure felt like it. After the series of announcements from the flight attendant, the plane slowly began to pull away from the gate. A blue hue of light illuminated each slide of the interior, looking at my reflection against the window, I noticed each of my facial imperfections was highlighted. I stared to look closely at each inch of my face, hair and neck, then I turned and looked the other way.

* * *

The church bell rang for the second time this morning. By the third sound of the bell, church would begin. I had a hard time choosing from my small number of options that I could fit in a carry-on. My mother, father, sister, grandmother and grandfather were dressed and ready to head out the door. Their impatience got to them and I decided to stay back until I could put something together to wear. 

* * *

When I was ready, I began to lock the doors and left running out the tall and wide emerald green doors. As I ran, the beaming sun was absorbed by my black short-sleeve button up. I promptly approached the church, the couple of men that sat outside stared at me, looking at me up and down without embarrassment or hesitation. I quickly walked inside and found my family sitting to the right of the entrance. Sitting at the edge of the pew, the air conditioning brushed on the back of my neck, causing a wave of chills throughout my body.

* * *

As we slowly approached Guadalajara, the sun slowly began to rise and touch the tips of each mountain and city highrise. The views that I have familiarized myself with over time, caused feelings that I grew to both love and hate. Gathering all my belongings as we prepared to land, I was both nervous and scared. I was hesitant to stand from my seat and step out of the airplane.

* * *

As I sat on the pew, my mother seemed distressed. I looked over and she began to explain what I had just missed. The priest had began talking about the “mortal sin” of same-sex marriage and in general, same-sex couples. My mother was visually upset staring down at her phone watching the minutes go by until mass was finished. 

* * *

The bells rang for one last time and we stood up and left, heads turning and a series of silent judgments made by “family” seated near the large wooden doors. We stepped out into the beaming sun and waited for some close family members.

* * *

As they arrived my mother began to speak with them saying that she would never again attend a mass held by this priest again. Some of my family members stared with confusion as she began to explain what had gotten her so frustrated. I stood there in fear, scared as to what some of the people I hold closest to my heart would say.

* * *

The airplane began to slowly descend and flew over the beautiful hills of Guadalajara. Much like Beverly Hills, each house was spread out over a large piece of land with private tennis courts and swimming pools. The closer we got to the landing strip, the more you saw of what to me was real Mexico. With my music blasting in my ears I stared down at the wheels of the plane as we touched down. We slowly approached the airport and the plane had finally stopped and opened its doors.

* * *

I collected my last little belongings and walked towards the doors. The smell of Mexico, which I love, filled the air. I was nervous and hesitant to walk down the stairs of the plane. Yet another year of having to put up a facade had begun. Shoulders out, head up and a big bright smile on my face. I hid the pain and fear of not being accepted by my most beloved family members. I slowly and confidently walked down the stairs and stepped onto the tarmac. 

* * *

After the few short sentences of my mothers rant, the few family members that had been surrounding us, started to speak up on their opinions and views. 

“That's what the bible says”

“He didn't say anything wrong”

“I grew up Catholic and that's what I believe in”

* * *

I stood there with pure fear in every living cell of my body. What would I do now? Would I have to live a life of pure lies? Hiding who I am and dodging every “tienes una novia Diego?” that was asked at every family gathering. Seeing those words come out of the mouth of someone I hold so close to my heart hurt. In that moment my entire heart fell onto the floor and dashed and divided into a million pieces. Would it be worth saying my truth if that meant losing people I have loved since before I can even remember?

* * *

I stood on the steps of the church, as if nothing had ever happened. Surrounded by my family and surrounded by the public. I had no other choice but to have my shoulders out, head up and a big bright smile on my face.