Halfway through 7th grade, I realized I was slowly starting to lose all my friends. Every day there was something new; I would either talk too much or would be called out for being rude. No matter what, it would always be me at fault for whatever argument would arise. I was starting to notice that they were trying to find any reason they could to avoid me. 

Then it finally happened. I was joking around one day with my friend Julia about a boy who my friends and I thought liked her. I kept telling her,  “you guys would be so cute together” and joked, “look it's your boyfriend”. She seemed a little annoyed, but I didn't think too much of it. It didn’t feel like a big deal. The next day, I immediately noticed that she and my other friends wouldn't talk to me and they wouldn’t sit with me anymore either. I was confused. I didn't understand what I did that was wrong or understand what had happened that caused them to not talk to me. I would still sit with them at lunch, but they wouldn't pay much attention to me. I felt terrible and I wanted to know what I did that was so wrong that they no longer wanted to associate with me anymore. It was killing me inside, my stomach was in knots and filled with butterflies, but not the good kind. It was the kind you get when you feel guilty. The feeling didn't go away, even after I got home. 

It wasn’t till the end of the following day when one of my friends came to me to finally explain why Julia was mad at me. The thing that I couldn't wrap my head around was why they decided that they would ALL stop being my friend. I felt so betrayed. Each day passed and still, my friends wouldn’t talk to me. I felt like there wasn't much I could do so I just accepted it. I decided that if this is the way they were going to be, then I'd just let it be. That day, I decided to sit alone at lunch. I didn't want to sit around or near the lunch tables because I knew people would be watching. At this time I attended a smaller school where everyone knew everyone and my friend group was known around the school. Therefore, the thought of people looking at me and assuming something had happened between me and them, made me feel so self-conscious. After that, I asked my math teacher, Mr. Dan, if I was able to sit outside his classroom for lunch. That made me feel a little less insecure.  

I’ve known Mr. Dan since the 3rd grade. He and I had a good connection, so I felt comfortable around him.  He would always have tons of projects in and around his classroom that he would let students mess around with. Something that caught my interest was a small sandbox he had at the very front of his classroom. It wasn't like an ordinary sandbox, it was almost like a river simulator. It was shaped as a rectangle, raised above the ground, and set at an angle. It also had a cool water feature. It had two small water hoses coming from the top and placed on opposite sides. When you turned the water on it flowed all the way to the end of the box and would be recycled back through. The water flowed back and forth over the top of the sandbox. The flow of the water moving around the sand and making the tracks was so interesting. I was completely mesmerized by this sandbox and ended up playing with it during lunch… every day, from that point on during lunch. It turned into something that I started to look forward to. I loved it because I was able to take my mind off all the stupid friend drama, but it also allowed me to learn to be independent and be okay with being alone. I finally felt like I didn’t need my friends.

It was the happiest I had been in a while. Of course, I was missing my friends, but at the same time, I felt so much more relieved and felt more like myself without them. A week or so passed and I noticed that a new girl had been hanging out with my now ex-friend group. It didn’t last long until something happened and she too had left their group.  Her situation was different… they would just pick on her and be a straight-up b*tch to her. I can only assume that because she had only known them for a few months it was easier for her to walk away. Shortly after she asked me if she could hang out with me during lunch; she wanted to join me in the sandbox. I had already become comfortable with being alone, so when she asked to join me I absolutely DREADED the idea of it. However, I didn't wanna make her feel the way my friends made me feel so, I say agreed. 

At first, I was a little annoyed, but then we started to build a friendship. Her name is Isabella, we would sit together every class period if we could and would talk constantly. We found out that we had a lot in common. When we started to become closer as friends we added each other on social media and I gave her my number so we could facetime. We would stay on the phone with each other for hours and hours at a time. From the moment we would each get home till it was time for lights out. I had never made a friend like this before in my life and it felt so surreal. I couldn’t believe that two people who had known each other for only 4 months could feel like they'd known each other forever. We would rarely fight and when we did we worked through it, our friendship didn't feel forced, or toxic. Everything felt genuine between us and I cherished it dearly. To be able to go from the fakest, toxic, draining, and overwhelming friend group. To do something entirely opposite was so incredibly astonishing, and I will know that I will never take Isabella for granted.