Long days led to restless nights until that dreaded day. I thought graduation was hard, but this was going to be worse. My best friend, my sister, was leaving for college. I tried to make myself feel bad for being utterly miserable about this — other people had it worse; their siblings are moving halfway across the country. I didn’t deserve to feel bad. My head was swirling with a thousand thoughts I couldn’t control. Thinking — my worst enemy that constantly attacks me until I fall down an endless hole.

Alas, the day arrived. My family woke early to pack the car and drive to the college. I sat in the backseat with my headphones on while reading a book. I was trying to block out the negative thoughts, but it didn’t work. My sister was trying to act positive the whole ride for my sake. She knew I wasn’t handling this well, but who could blame me? There would be no more late-night talks about our day, no more driving around shopping and blaring music in the car, and no more running into each other in the hallways late at night when one of us went to the bathroom or got a midnight snack.

From that moment on, that was all over. I didn’t want to face that reality, so I slid my thumb down the side of my phone, instinctively stopping when I reached the volume button. I pressed it until my phone yelled at me to stop — it finally reached full volume. When we arrived, all I wanted to do was sit in the car in silence until the day was over. And I did do that, at least for a few seconds, until my dad, full of energy, said, “Let’s go; we’ve got a car to unload.”

My mom and I got out of the car and started placing the laundry baskets full of her things on the sidewalk. The sun blinded me as I stepped out of the truck; thankfully, it was a gloomy day. However, my eyes were still sensitive from the previous nights spent drying the many tears that flowed down my face.

Emily, her boyfriend Tim, and I decided to take her things to her room while my parents waited for my other sister to arrive. When I walked through the hallways, musty and poorly lit, the back of my neck became damp and cold. At this point, I expected to see the twins from “The Shining” at the end of the hall. Somehow, it was even worse when I saw her dorm room. The floors were dusty, and the walls were gray and cold, the one on my sister’s side being concrete and unwelcoming. Bile rose in my throat at the thought of her living here. It looked like a prison cell. How could she live here? I can’t just leave her here; she’ll be miserable. While Emily started unpacking her things, I started talking to Tim.

“I don’t know how she’s going to live here. It looks like a prison cell.”

“I know,” he replied. I felt bad for him. He wasn’t handling this well, and neither was I, but I had never seen him like this except for the week leading up to her departure.

Exhaustion hit as we had barely started to set up her room. I didn’t want to help, I just wanted to sit there in my misery. I was in a fog so, mindlessly, I did what everyone told me to.

“Give this to your sister.”

My arms passed through the air with the clothes in hand.

“Put my keys over there.”

The keys clinked as I set them on the tote, a pathetic sound. Everything was upsetting me, even if it didn’t have anything to do with her leaving. Everything else that happened when we set up her dorm was a blur. The walls were suffocating me, and I was drowning in the lake of noise that filled the room. Tears were beginning to form, but I didn’t want to cry.

“Is everyone ready to go?”

That was fast.

The immense amount of pain that pierced the air on the car ride to the store was enough to make me want to jump out of the truck. I walked around the store trying to distract myself. “We need batteries.” “Oh look, this lady needs help.” “Wow, keyboards and technology.” I wandered off with Tim and occasionally looked around to see if there was something to talk or make a joke about. Nothing. The sadness that possessed our bodies was too much.

Driving back to the school was much more pleasant, considering everything that had been going on. Emily had just gotten a polaroid camera, and we decided to take pictures. The camera clicked with a bright flash as I tried not to cry while I captured the moment of Emily and Tim hugging. I want this day to be over, but I don’t want to leave.

My parents decided that since the room was set up, they would part ways. Sitting in the corner, I tried not to look while they were saying their goodbyes. I didn’t want to cry. I hate crying in front of people, especially my parents. My eyes were turned to the ground, not knowing what to do at the moment.

Finally, they left. The room was quiet. The only light source came from the suicide-proof window. It wouldn’t even be that difficult to squeeze a tiny, malleable body through if someone really tried. It’s not like it would matter anyway because the dorm was on the ground floor. Emily’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

“I have to leave to go to an orientation thing at 6:30. When I get back, we all can go do something.”

“Okay, we’ll be here waiting.”

My hands reached for my brown bag containing the object that would occupy me for the next hour and a half. I flopped open the flap on the bag. This time I was more aware of the threaded pattern on my fingertips than usual. I grabbed the book, feeling the cool smooth cover was enough to make me want to dive into it again and become distracted by another world where someone was suffering more than me.

I sat in a chair. I laid on the floor. I even tried to take a nap. The time would not pass. I swear the universe was against me.

I heard the jingle of the key in the door and immediately sat up. She was back. Tim, Emily, and I sat in that cold gray dorm room, deciding what to do.

“We could get ice cream or something.”

And that’s exactly what we did. The whole day I had been trying to hold back tears, but I knew soon they would all spill out. The air in the ice cream shop was cold and uncomfortably stiff. We sat at a tiny table and slowly savored every cold bite, hoping to prolong the time spent together. Everyone was tense, which made my skin crawl.

“Is everybody done?”

“Oh, yeah, I guess I’m done.”

Our feet dragged on the beige-tiled ground as we made our way to the door. The drive back to the school was horrendous. I wanted to disappear. Tim pulled his car into the parking lot, and we all sat in silence. Was I supposed to say something? Emily started collecting her things, starting with her green water bottle, then moving on to her olive-colored bag. This is it.

“Okay, guys, I have to go,” said Emily.

She grabbed onto Tim as if he were a balloon about to float away forever. Then, I heard it — she started crying. She grabbed onto me, another balloon in her arms. The waterfalls that had been stagnant behind my eyes all day had begun to move once more. There, we all were together in that parked car. Everything from that moment on would never be the same. It didn’t matter that months later we would celebrate Christmas together. It didn’t matter that weeks later we would walk downtown trying not to freeze to death on our way to get hot chocolate. It didn’t matter that in a few days she would come back home to visit. And it didn’t matter that she would be home every week; everything changed, and it would never be the same again.