When you were around it felt like there was nothing else besides us. However, that was not always a good feeling. At first you made me feel fortunate and happy, the way that we were two people lost in life, together. But you took advantage of that vulnerability and love. You started to make me feel sad and foolish, because we would always argue about the smallest things, and I just let you win so that you would be satisfied. You became something I have always feared. You became something I grew attached to. Something that I became reliant on to feel alright. 

     I always found our friendship specifically intriguing, as it did not start off the best. I still remember that day we first met. You were just another student at school who I honestly did not know or care for. I was on my way to trig, and I was not having the best day. I had failed my religion quiz the period before and honestly just did not have the best mentality at the time. Maybe that is why when you accidently bumped into me in the hallway I just lost it and released my anger and stress on you. “Watch the f*** out, idiot”, are the first words I remember saying to you. I regret saying that to this day, and regret ever being in that hallway. Maybe everything could have been different if it was not for that dumb hallway.

     That same day my friend introduced me to you. We exchanged looks of anger and annoyance. I apologized for what I said before and explained that I was just frustrated. You hesitated and accepted my apology, and we proceeded to hang out with a couple friends. 

     In the beginning we would always have conversations. Conversations that seemed as if they could be endless. Conversations that were so natural and just nice to have. Speaking of our lives, our problems, our fears, our futures and aspirations, and  more. But nothing lasts forever, right.

     For some reason you talked to me the most. I did not understand why at that moment, I just enjoyed that someone wanted to talk and be around me. That is where it all started, where my judgment and reasoning became clouded like the fog amongst a city. 

     I remember when you wanted to go to a concert, but I had a soccer tournament. You told me to skip and just go to the concert. I did not want to skip the tournament, but you convinced me by saying that you had already bought the tickets and asked if I would really prioritize a tournament over a concert. You made me choose between two things I enjoyed, soccer and being with you. I thought to myself, we both have to make sacrifices, but that would not be true.

     Whenever I asked to hang out, you would almost always say no. I thought you were just busy and respected that, but you would just proceed to say that you have nothing to do. At first I thought you were joking. How can you have nothing to do, but also not want to spend time doing something? I proceeded to just not ask, and just wait for whenever you wanted to do something. 

     This became outweighed by your efforts to try and make me laugh throughout the day when I was not feeling the best. I remember you going out of your way to not say anything mean to me and simply cause me to laugh. I wondered that day, how someone like you could ever hurt anyone. So I blamed everything on myself. I was the one overreacting, I was the clingy one, I was the one who is at fault, right?

    Remember when you would get mad at someone and refuse to talk or even be around them? Remember how you would make us choose between them or you? How you gave us ultimatums and somehow always ended up winning. That never sat right with me, but I thought again, maybe it is just me, I am the one overreacting. I was not.

    Your comfort and infatuation blinded me from reason. Preventing me from seeing the act you portrayed and the person you truly were. 

     I always took the blame for you. 

     Whenever someone would say they were mad at you for something you did or something that was rude, I would talk to them afterwards and say that was not really you or that you only said that because I thought of it. I tried to convince people to see you the way I did, so that you would not look bad. When you told our friend that they could not come to the party because they were annoying and did not want them to come, I was the one who had to tell them afterwards that you were just having a bad day and actually did not mind. I told him it was my idea. He hated me for that.

     I risked everything for our friendship. I put all my relationships, family, time, morals, beliefs, and mental health on the line for you. And you knew that. You abused that, so that you could be happy whenever you wanted, or so that you could be amused whenever you were bored.   

     Relationships must be two ways to work. This was a one way street that led to a brick wall. 

     I stopped talking to you as much because I needed to release myself from this sense of dependency. But I could not. However, we started to drift apart, and while it made me realize more about who you were and helped me lessen my dependency on you, the smallest part of me wished we could have still been like we were before. 

     You asked me a couple months later why I have not been talking to you as much as before. I told him the truth, although it pained me, he deserved the truth. You seemed fine, but I know you were not. I heard you talk bad about me and tell people lies or things out of context, and yet for some reason I still cannot hate you. 

    The thought that we had something so strong and beautiful is countered how toxic you actually were. Sometimes I miss it, but sometimes I do not. All the things we spoke about, all the time we spent, all the memories we made. 

    I still see you in the hallways sometimes and we just nod heads. Sometimes I do wish I could still just have those conversations and talk endlessly. But we move on and just keep walking down the hallway.