If you had told me five years ago that I wasn’t with you I wouldn’t have believed you. I couldn’t imagine thinking of times you whispered in my ear at social events, us laughing at the drunk uncles and imitating the gossipy aunts. I would repeat those words over and over again in my head, hoping you would say them again, but you won’t. I couldn’t imagine that on October 18th, 2022, my life would change so drastically just because of the absence of your presence. 

             Thinking of you I can only think of my heart ripping from my chest and my cries as I wished that the call I got was a twisted prank. Unable to stand I remember falling to the floor and dropping my phone as I hear the words, “I’m sorry for your loss”, as if pity could ease my pain. 

The worst part is you were in Iran and my biggest mistake was not realizing how dangerous that simple fact was. Not realizing how people, women, teens, you, were all being killed for the simple right of freedom and ther was nothing I could do about it. 

              I forget to remember our ice cream trips and the way you would laugh every time I made a cheesy joke. I forget to remember your beautiful smile and the courage you had, even facing those who were bigger than you. The only thing I can constantly think about was how you must have felt knowing you died to the government of the country you cherish so much. Denying your death and denying that my soul died with you. 

               I forget to remember all the little sweet things because the moment you left was the moment I knew I would never get to be whole again. I would never get to feel the joy of just being near you. I will never forgive you for leaving me with that pain but feeling you, even if only in my memories, is something I would never give up.  

“I believe the hardest part of healing after you’ve lost someone you love, is to recover the ‘you’ that went away with them”

-John Prem

Story by Aysa Markazi