BANG! CRASH!  It was late at night, I heard something crash against the floor, like the  sounds of picture frames being knocked off the wall, and down the stairs. I could also hear the sound of voices speaking in harsh tones. I opened my eyes, and took my covers off myself. I got up and out of bed, opened the door to see picture frames and pictures on the floor, scattered next to my dad. He looks up, seeing my mom peering down at him, down the stairs. My room is not even 7 feet away from the stairs, from the picture frames, from the fight. I look down at the floor by my dad’s feet, looking at the pictures of my family, which are now scattered, like my parents' relationship. I remember the vague smell of alcohol on my dad, as my mom drills him on where he's been, trying to extract the truth from him. This wasn't the first time he had come home late on a school night. You can only imagine how fed up my mother was to finally act out on her anger and frustration with my father. He was constantly lying about where he’s been, who he's been with, and why. It was never easy seeing them fight, especially a blow out to this magnitude. My mom had gotten fed up with my dad coming home late almost every night, not helping her out, and not giving her the credit she deserved. My sister and I missed him because he would come home late, and it was just us with our mom for hours after we came home from school.

“According to experts, explosive fights like that are a form of child abuse. They can cause children to be afraid, to worry about one parent or the other, and even cause feelings of anger. The mental and physical well-being of a child can be adversely affected when they see their parents fight in such a manner.” (Sarva)

The Talk: “Hey Gaby, we need to talk.” My mother walked into the basement, where my sister and I were playing a game together. “Me and your dad are done, he won’t be in this house any more,” my mother said in a serious voice, looking angry and sad. My sister was shocked, and my mother started comforting her, because she started crying. It's not an easy thing to hear your mother break the news that your dad is no longer going to be in the same house as you everyday. But I've been waiting for this day to happen. But, this wasn't the first time she broke the news to us. She had been on and off with my dad for months now. Another time she sat us down was when my sister and I were in my room and she came in to tell us it's over for real this time. She stated that she was tired of having a partner who doesn't listen to her and who doesn’t appreciate the work and effort she puts into their family.  Even though everything was done with the rockiness of their relationship, and making her children watch their relationship fall apart. But once again, she didn't follow through with her words.

“Sticking with a marriage that isn't working is an example of the sunk costs fallacy, which involves feeling reluctant to abandon a decision because you've already invested so much in it. Ultimately, failing to decide to stay or go means more time wasted and more stress.” (Stritof)

Final Argument: It was my Mothers’ birthday, August 9th, 2022. That was the last day I saw my father living in our house. He had finally broken my mom. He broke her patience, and tore through her last straw with him. She is done waiting for him to change. Done letting her kids see her struggle with her husband, the father of her kids. She had finally gotten fed up, and made a “huge deal” about what he did, according to my father. He had gone to pick up his brother at the airport in New York which took the whole day, my mother’s whole birthday to pick someone up who only comes to him when he needs favors. It certainly does not help that my father does not know how to communicate with my mother either. He just told my mother he was going to pick his brother up and left. My dad’s family isn’t very close due to issues between them and my mother. My mother has always been an outspoken person, and my father always seemed to make her quiet. My mother pushed him away very quickly, and decided what was best for her, which she inevitably had my approval. 

“According to recent research, ongoing communication difficulties are the number one reason couples divorce in the United States. According to one study, 67.5% of marriages that ended did so primarily due to communication problems. Communication is the foundation of a successful relationship” (Regain Editorial Team) 

Let the Separation Begin: My parents' relationship has never been stable, it was like they were hot and then cold. Being sweet with each other one day and then at each other's throat the next.  It was like a cycle. Watching my parents be happy with one another, acting like a normal couple, and then slowly building up frustration towards each other blowing up at each other. I was able to really notice this cycle when I was 12 or 13. Since then, I’ve wanted them to divorce and separate for years at this point. I wanted them to go their own ways. For them to find themself, and be who they are without hurting each other with words and actions. As someone who wants to see my parents separated, it's hard seeing them together and pretending like everything is fine when it isn't. Watching them hold hands, be able to laugh with each other, and not be at each other's throat. It was a weird sight, seeing them hold hands, and dance with each other during the holidays because it was a rare sight. It was also because I knew it wouldn’t last long before they were back at each other's throat. But once my mother had enough, and made up her mind, It cleared up a lot of views and facts in both my parents' lives. Realizing how beneficial a divorce was for them, realizing who they are as people. At first it was really hard wrapping my head on why they stuck together for so long, even though they were unhappy. I would sit in my room and just ponder why they stayed together, “what was the benefit? What was the point?” It was only after I talked with my mom that  I could understand why they didn't separate earlier. However, it didn't really make sense. I could understand where she was coming from, but it didn't click, why she gave him so many chances, and why she didn't “give up” sooner. But in the end, they are all they’ve known. They have been married for over 18 years at that point. There were also many issues and problems preventing them from just ending it. So many secrets between the two of them that they only shared, and feelings through this marriage they had. I understand it was hard for them, but coming from an outside view it was obvious it wasn't going to work for so long. My parents are so different, and just can't compromise. I no longer wanted to see my parents together. I wanted them to be separated. I didn’t  want to see my mother hurt, yelling and arguing with my father, especially when he would play the victim, saying how, “your mom is always the one arguing, that's all she knows how to do.'' Making her the “bad guy”, making her look like the guilty one. He wanted us to see our mother as the problem starter. It really opens your eyes on how he was a gaslighter and would manipulate the situation, and try to make her and us question ourselves.

“The poll found that 82% of those aged 14 to 22 who have endured family breakups would prefer their parents to part if they are unhappy. They said it was ultimately better that their parents had divorced, with one of those surveyed adding that children “will often realize, later on, that it was for the best” (Bowcott). 

Being in the Middle:“Gaby, tell your dad to stop coming over, I don't want to see him step foot in my house,” is what my mom basically told me, when she came into my room looking very upset. This was during the time my parents were beginning to figure out they wanted a divorce. Also the beginning of the long process of their divorce. There were also many instances where my mother has put me in the middle, asking for my opinion, asking me to tell her who's right,  pushing and cornering me to pick a side. I felt like she was forcing me into this tight corner, pushing me to pick a side with this immense pressure. It made me stressed. In this tight corner that my mom forced me into, making me feel like I had to pick who was right, and who was wrong.

 My mom would come into my room, sit down on my bed in front of me, while I may have been on TikTok on my phone. My mom would go on and on about my dad for 30-40 minutes, talking about how he was always making her the bad guy, and how he didnt appreciate what she has done for our family. It was like I was a therapist listening to their client, listening to my clients complaints and their problems. I would have to sit there and listen to her talk about the negative parts about my dad, and understand where she is coming from. Even though I may not be following what she is saying. My mother basically dumped everything on me, giving me examples and times where my dad wasn't a good husband, or man. Her opening up to me gave me this outlook that my dad isn’t a great guy, and it's hard to separate what you heard, and treat him like everything is fine when your mom has told you everything he has done wrong. It was frustrating. I didn't know what to do, and I couldn't go to the other parent to confide in because I was told not to tell the other parent. It got to the point where it was dreadful to hear my mother talk about my father, because I knew it wouldn't be anything good, nor would it do any good because there was always a misunderstanding between the both of them, and I didnt want to be in the middle choosing sides.

“When you and the other parent aren’t seeing eye-to-eye, take care not to lose sight of how things feel for your children. Seeing the two people they love the most no longer get along creates a huge dilemma for kids.  The question weighing on their hearts and minds becomes “How can I love one parent without disappointing or betraying the other?” (McGhee)

50/50 Custody After the Divorce: It was around 5 pm on Sunday, I was packing my bags,7 days worth of clothing. It was dropped on us that we will be going back and forth between my dad’s and mom’s place, permanently. Before August of 2022, my dad would stay overnight every so often, and we wouldn't go to his apartment every other week on Sunday.  So after the day of the big fight of my dad messing up on my mom’s birthday, August 9th, we have been going to my dads place every other sunday. Every Sunday at 6:30pm, we would get out the door into the car to go to the other parent’s place. I found myself on my mom’s week on Sunday at 5 pm, packing all my favorite clothing into a suitcase, and some hair care products, and accessories into a bag. Walking outside the door at 6:30 with my book bag on my back, suitcase in my hand, and my textbooks in the other. It's such a hassle, and time consuming going back and forth, bringing clothing and school things to my parents house every sunday. I sometimes find myself wishing I would stay with my mom, instead of moving so much stuff every Sunday. Not only did it affect me moving stuff back and forth, but it also affected how I was going to get to school, and when I got to school, and how I planned stuff to hang out with my friends. Things got especially tight on time when my dad moved to another apartment building, which is a bit further to my moms house, and to the school. I found myself being late a couple times to school due to the fact my sister and I had to leave the apartment at the same time due to our schools have a bit of distance to each other, and due to the fact his new apartment is like 15 minutes away from them, and going back and forth is a waste of gas and time. There was also more traffic because we drove through commercial areas, and through neighborhoods where there were a lot of bus stops for kids. Everything was different, everything was more complicated. I felt like I had to choose a favorite, choose who I liked more, or even enjoyed more time with. It was like a pressure on me to choose who was better, who was right like it was a competition. I also felt like I couldn't go out with friends during my dad's week because he was always working, and I barely got to be with him because he was never there. The 50/50 shared custody made me feel stuck like I couldn't do certain things, and that I had to treat both parents equally because I didn't want to seem like I was picking favorites. 

“They feel rootless with no one place to call home. Others disclose their unsettled feelings with the constant hubbub of moving back and forth and resign themselves to always feeling disorganized.”(Adams)

I wasn't the only one affected by the change in our life. My sister suffered a lot, even if she won't admit it. After switching homes every Sunday, and packing up her clothes, games, school stuff, and her instrument it hit her on the head. This isn't as fun as she expected, she didn't know how to take it, and her parents are never going to be together again. She won't see them dancing together, she won't see the both of them together during the holidays, it was no longer how it was before. She realized this was finally happening, that this divorce wasn't empty words, that the shared custody isn't this fun game. As a result, she became very distant, wasn't as happy as she was before, and became a bit more aggressive due to all the new emotions and confusion during the process of the divorce and shared custody. I can only imagine how difficult it was for her. I try to be as supportive and loving of her because I know it's not an easy thing to deal with when both your parents separate from each other. Especially when their being together is all you've known. 

The results of divorce: My sister and I had very obvious differences in reaction to the divorce, and shared custody with each parent. My sister wasn't as calm as I was, she didn't fully understand and probably wondered if the divorce was her fault. She also became more reclusive and kept to herself, or when she wasn't keeping to herself she may have been aggressive with us, being my parents and I. But, there have been times when she has been very affectionate and wanted support and love from my parents and I, most likely due to her feeling weak and confused about the divorce, or just feeling emotionally and mentally tired due to the shared custody. Although there are times she would come out and be affectionate, the connection between her and my father wasn't as strong, due to many reasons. He would come home from anywhere between 5-7 in the evening, go to work in the mornings to afternoons on the weekends, and always wanted to sleep due to the hours he was working. She felt this disconnect with her father. 

“There is a 16% increase in the risk of behavior problems if the child is between 7 and 14 years old when their parents divorce.”(Parker)

Present day: It's been almost a year now since shared custody and almost 7 months since the divorce was finalized. I feel like I've gotten the hang of things, and the change of how things used to be for 16 years of my life, but it's nothing too big. My sister still has frustration with the whole issue of half custody but she voices her opinion a bit more now and isn't as upset due to the communication that has been happening with her and my parents. But, my parents still aren't on good terms with each other, they are still at each other's throats for certain things and will never get along due to many reasons. I feel as though this divorce was a reset, and was a way to clear everything up and get everyone away from each other, escalate problems, and prevent future arguments, whether it be from lies, not communicating, etc. 

Divorce is always a difficult thing for everyone. Some people take it differently because they either looked forward to it, like I did or don't want it to happen like my sister. Divorce can affect the way people feel, and act, and how they respond to certain situations throughout the divorce. It’s better to end an unhealthy marriage than ride it out, the two people most involved may end up hating each other, and getting into more arguments with one another causing more damage if they were to stay together. It would cause less damage to breakup and divorce than to stay together and affect the people around them. People will always end up hurt and affected by divorce, and the aftermath of it, but sometimes divorce is not preventable. There may not be many solutions to lessen the effect of divorce, but communication and honesty is the best way to understand why it may have happened and to get everyone to talk about how they feel about it and why. Having the support of the people involved, and having them listen to each party without being forced to be in the middle of it, and being forced to pick a side of who's wrong and who's right. It may seem that divorce is such a grim and horrible experience but it can really help to build character and teach communication skills if properly utilized. Only time, and communication will be able to help the effects of divorce on anyone. 

Works Cited

Adam, Christine, ‘Living on Automatic.Shared Physical Custody–What Children Discover and Suffer’, Psychology Today, September 19, 2019 psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-automatic/201909/shared-physical-custody-what-children-discover-and-suffer Accessed may 20,2023

Bowcott, Owen,‘Children of divorce: 82% rather parents separate than 'stay for the kids' The Guardian, November 22, 2015. theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/nov/22/children-divorce-resolution-survey-rather-parents-separate accessed May 5, 2023

McGhee, Christina, “Keeping Kids Out of the Middle When Parents Divorce” Divorce and Children, divorceandchildren.com/keeping-kids-out-of-the-middle-when-parents-divorce/  accessed May 16, 2023

Regain Editorial Team, “The Number One Reason For Divorce and How to Prevent it” Regain Us, April 4, 2023, regain.us/advice/divorce/the-number-one-reason-for-divorce-and-how-to-prevent-it/  Accessed April 28, 2023

Parker, Wayne, “Key Statistics About Kids From Divorced Families” Verywell family, February 20, 2022 verywellfamily.com/children-of-divorce-in-america-statistics-1270390  Accessed May 26, 2023

Sarva, Jousline “How Parents Fighting Impacts Children” Therapy for individual, couples & families, May 21, 2021 jouslinesavra.com/how-parents-fighting-impacts-children/#:~:text=According%20to%20 experts%2C%20 explosive%20 fights,fight%20in%20such%20a%20 manners. Accessed April 28, 2023

Stritof, Sheri, “Making the Decision to End Your Marriage”, Very Well Mind, March, 2, 2023 verywellmind.com/throwing-the-towel-in-marriage-2300478 Accessed April 28, 2023