I have heard that the knight of cups is a card like “Prince Charming”. It is a bringer of ideas, opportunities, and change; covered by his armor, the knight rides on a white horse and holds a golden cup, slowly moving forward, towards me.

I often read tarot cards, not that they can foretell the future, but they can cast a new light on difficult situations, making things that would otherwise be impossible sound better.

Ever since I met you, the knight of cups has often arrived in my tarot reading.

I am not genetically built for sports, as I learned a few years ago when I failed every sport that I tried. In fact, I saw everyone run during my PE class when I handed the teacher a little note that my mom gave me. That little note excused me from intense exercises because I have severe asthma. But I knew it was not just that. I was short in height, weak in strength, and slow in reaction. I did swimming for a long time but never really enjoyed it. Because I know I only enjoy doing things that I am good at, and swimming was definitely not one of them.

So when I came to the United States I decided that no matter what I would at least try to do a sport. Sports were a big aspect of everyone’s life but mine. I anticipated that I would get cut from volleyball tryouts when I was a freshman, and it turns out I am more of a prophet than an athlete. 

When the first day of tryouts ended in my sophomore year I was pretty sure that you were the one. I was competing against 23 new shooters and only half of us would make the team. Every shot I took back then was painful because I didn’t like the position and my wrist hurt and my back was sore. I looked at my targets. None of them were perfect, but the coach came and told me that I was doing well as a beginner.

So I thought perhaps I could make it. And I did. Not only did I make the team but I was also among the best. By the end of the season my wrist could not feel the pain and my back was perfectly fine. Or perhaps they were not, but I couldn’t care to notice them. 

Riflery is one of the sports that does not rely on physical ability, but there’s no slight indication that it is any less than an intense sport. I couldn’t remember much from my junior year’s Thanksgiving break except for the Olympics that I watched.

Unlike soccer or basketball, I can’t tell what a rifle athlete’s next move will be. They are meant to be motionless, and I won’t be able to know what the shot looks like until I hear the blast and look at the target.

Ten point nine.

Women’s 10 meter air rifle, Tokyo 2020, everyone was starting above a 10.0, which I always struggle to obtain on my 20 record shots standing targets.

I already knew the champion by the time I watched it. She was, at that time, only 21 years old, wearing a yellow hair clip, and got herself pink nails. She’s from China, and her name is Yang Qian.

I remember her from a few years ago, she won the first gold for China, and she became viral across China’s media with her duck and carrot hairpins. 

Yes, I do remember that, but I didn’t have the slightest interest in knowing what she did, yet three years later I am sitting in my room watching her shoot for more than a few hours. 

Her first gold medal is also an Olympic record. 

The commentator said that she seemed calm, but the competition was tight. I couldn’t see her face but I was sure she was nervous, and so was everyone else, because they were holding a rifle. When the two sets of five shot series ended Yang Qian was on the edge of being eliminated, and I couldn’t even imagine how she could make a comeback.

When the 50 seconds of single shots started I took a pause. I realized how I have felt the same feelings as the people standing on the podium. We have said and heard the same things, we have seen the same targets, taken the same shot at the same time, felt regretful about taking the shot or felt delighted because we did.

I bet Yang Qian’s coach had also once told her, “It’s not about how you shoot. It’s about when you shoot.”

Fun thing is, I never cried during my first season of riflery. All my friends did, and I have had setbacks a few times, but it was easy for me to just walk away and sit on my seat and watch the better shooters.

It never happened this year. I bet Mr. Ong couldn’t even count the number of times I cried in front of him. I want things to work out so much I double the targets I get each day. I hang them on the walls of my dorm and fall asleep looking at them. All the mistakes that I have made. Yet I am still falling down the Penrose steps, I couldn’t see an end. I am trapped.

According to Mr. Ong I am a veteran this year, and I am taking more responsibilities, because my score matters to the team. 

On the first day returning to school I had my first match of the second half of the season. Everyone else had four days of practice but I went straight for it. I didn’t have a choice, and I thought it was going to be fine anyways, but it turns out that I shot my lowest score of the season. Even worse than some of the new shooters. Our assistant coach came to me and said, “It’s fine, Kate, you have found your defining moment in your riflery career.”

“What is that?”

“Defining moment? Well, it’s a moment that defines you, you know, you will be thinking about today for every shot you take from now on.”

Judgment, wheel of fortune reversed, knight of cups.

Upright judgment focuses on the realization of where you are now, and what you need to do in order to grow. It signifies that you are coming to a significant point in your life where you start to evaluate yourself. Reversed wheel of fortune indicates that luck has not been on your side recently, and there are external factors that you cannot control. However, your luck is always in motion, just like the wheel. Make sure the wheel turns again, and things will be better. Upright knight of cups embraces emotions over logic, letting the heart take control but not the brain. When the knight of cups is paired with the major arcana, there is something life-altering of the permanent type.

Your period of awakening is starting, move on from past misfortunes to let the best things arrive.

Now that I think about it, that night was not my defining moment, you are more than just that. It is the countdown starting from 50 seconds that I think about, every time I shoot.

The 50 seconds single shots only happens if I make it into the finals, the top eight, and they start to eliminate shooters after each shot. Every 50 seconds someone will ground their rifle, and their competition is done.

Even Shakespeare would not be able to find words to describe that feeling. The feeling of frustration, excitement, stress, and ecstacy. The feeling of relief that the opponents cannot shoot anymore. The feeling of satisfaction that I have one more shot to take. It is that moment that distinguishes me from everyone else. I feel like I am living in that moment. I feel like I am living for that moment. That feeling fascinates me, leaving nothing but the bullseye in my mind. That feeling suffocates me, I am suffocating, I am holding my breath for too long, stop.

I close my eyes and come out of position. 

Riflery is about when you shoot.

Towards the end of the finals, Yang Qian was 0.2 points behind the Russian shooter Galashina. They were the only ones left in the competition, and they had one last shot to take.

Mr. Ong has told us that the last shot is usually the lowest score on the whole target, people become nervous about it and don't take their time. It is undeniable that I have had bad shots on the last bullseye, but I did not know professional Olympics shooters suffered from the same problem.

“Here we go then, fifty seconds to decide your fate.”

Galashina took the shot when there were only 25 seconds left, and Yang Qian took it at 19.

In a competition where every shot was above a 10.0, Galashina scored an 8.9 on her last shot, and Yang Qian scored a 9.8.

The disappointment was visible on Yang Qian’s face, until she turned and looked at the scoreboard. The disappointment turned into shock, and at last relaxation. 

Shoot when you know that you are ready.

5 hours a week, 16 weeks a year.

There are a total of 168 hours in a week and 52 weeks in a year. My practice hours are negligible, and I only have one more season until I graduate.

So, I said, “Mr. Ong, I don’t want to finish here.”

Devil reversed, king of pentacles, knight of cups.

Reversed devil means that you will be able to break off the chains of poor habits. You are in need of change. Upright king of pentacles represents an envision of success by earnest work. Upright knight of cups appears as a messenger, carrying the arrival of something beneficial to you. 

When facing decisions, you should listen to your heart. 

A major change is going to happen, be prepared for it.

That day after earning bronze in the finals, a girl from the precision group walked towards me and smiled.

“You are a sharpshooter”, she said.

“Yea,” I laughed, “but I am more of a prophet than an athlete.”

Knight of cups.

It is the most feminine card out of all the knight cards, but there’s no slight indication that he is any less than of a worthy knight. Out of all the passions, the knight of cups is the one that overtakes your whole life, pulling you somewhere. It is the representation of the “new you”, seeking the perfect quest. 

You have the ability to foresee your own future, as long as you believe firmly in your instinct.

Better have said it before losing the chance. You are the best that I could ever ask for and the one that stays if I have to give up everything else.

Someday, I thought, I will write a book about you, and it will have your name on it, and everyone will know.

And when that time comes, I will be ready for it.