“No! What have I done?” I bellowed continuously and uncontrollably. I could see the wound. It was a wound right to the heart. Gushing like a red river onto the warm pavement. I remembered the perfectly aimed sight right on the rabbit’s vulnerable chest and saw how the lead pellet permeated the soft billowy brown fur turning it into an angry and upset sea of thick red blood. I do not know why I pulled it. It must have been my pride and craze for power. I felt powerful and arrogant that I was about to get my first kill. I was thinking of how proud my father would be and tell all of his co-workers how great a shot his son was. It was not till after I had shot the rabbit that I realized I had been blind to the savage torture I was about to cause not just for the rabbit but to myself.

“Why did I shoot you? Why? Why little rabbit?” I did not know what to do. I wanted to undo the pull of the trigger. I wanted to undo looking through the gun’s sight. I wanted to undo everything. Now I was faced with the guilt of an unjustified death. I had always wanted to kill and to hunt and to be proud of a precise fatal shot. Now, I regretted even thinking of killing an animal, especially since I did not know what to do with it. I had killed the rabbit for sport and fun. I had not killed it for the use of the meat or the fur but for mere enjoyment.

“What should I do?” I said to myself. I wanted to help the poor creature. I wished I was a special angel with healing powers that would magically fix the fatal and gruesome wound. I wished I was a special emergency vet that had the ability to perform miraculous operations. Just then I remembered that my aunt had some training in animal hospitality and maybe she could hopefully perform one of those improbable miracles.

“Aunt Jan!” I came running with the injured rabbit, “Can you save this rabbit?” I asked hopefully. I really just wanted to be forgiven. I wanted to be told it was going to be all right. I was angry with God because He had let me be mislead into this devilish way of thinking. I started to question how righteous my God is. I thought to myself, “I thought my God was a lively God, not a deathly God.

“I am sorry. There is nothing I can do”, she said with disappointment. “I think it will be easier if you end its suffering.” I did not understand. Does she mean that she wants me to just…finish it? That would be absurd and inhumane making me look and feel like a mercenary among animals!

“You mean…shoot her till she dies?” I said with bewilderment! I had not heard of such of thing! I had only seen this action in movies or read it out of a book. Now I am going to have to end a real life in the real world. I feel as though I am Nazi exterminating a helpless Jew. I am not this evil…or am I?

“Yes, I will put her in the woods and you can…end it.” She laid the rabbit down in some tall thick grass so no one would notice the soon to be dead body. I could see the body perfectly. I could see the slowing heart rate as the chest moved up and down not as easily. I could see her uncontrollable spasms with her neck, legs, and arms crying to get out of this contorted body. I could hear the painful high squeaks calling upon mercy from God and me. Before I lifted the rifle, I thought to myself, “Is this the way I am going to act when I die? Is this what our men in the Armed Forces go through?” As I thought of the suffering rabbit, I thought about what our citizen soldiers go through on a daily biases. I was scared. Especially since I had thought about a carrier in the Military.

As soon as I lifted the CO2 pellet rifle, I saw the weak body just barely staying alive. Her nerves were going out of control and caused her to have a spasm every two seconds. Her beautiful fur coat was now drenched in the darkest reddest blood I have ever seen. It was only a matter of time. I looked into the rabbit’s dark brown eyes. They sent the helpless message, “Please, do not do it! I do not want to die!” I was the powerful one. I had a choice. Either I leave the rabbit and let her suffer to death or end it right away. I did not want to do either but I had to choose. My aunt was right. It would cause the rabbit less pain and suffering if I went ahead and shot it. I felt like a cowardly inhumane savage as I pulled the trigger three times. I was trying to hold back the tears because I did not want to be viewed as a wimp but yet, I did not want to be viewed as one of the cruelest people on the face of the Earth. I saw three last menacing reflexes and splashes of blood fly from the stomach of the rabbit. That was the end of it. No more movement. I could not believe I had just killed an innocent creature without a purpose. I wished I knew how to skin and gut to get some meat but instead I walked away, leaving the carnage for ravenous infectious bacteria and vultures.

I cried that night wishing I had not shot at the rabbit. It came to my mind that it was a female rabbit that probably had a family just like me. I prayed to God for mercy and forgiveness that that rabbit has a great place in His kingdom. I also pledged to God to only kill a creature for a righteous cause or for a useful purpose that would benefit others or me. I would use the body for meat and even to the extent of making clothing. Otherwise, that would not be hunting; it would be savagery and murder.