The moment my eyes closed I knew that you were gone forever. I knew that as soon as that first tear fell, I would never get you back. But I let go. I let that tear fall. I let a million of those meaningless little drops of pain plummet to the ground. I was the adult and I was the child. I cried out and writhed in pain, but I stood up and wiped it away. I let your mistake bring me down, but then I let it build me up. I took your excuses and I analyzed them for days. I watched the way you acted like nothing even happened; like you did no wrong. I listened to the lies you told and the stories you made up. I read the things your imagination thought of and laughed at how fake every word was. I loved the way you thought everyone would just come running to you and the look of shock and disappointment in your face when they came to me. I loved the way you thought that your “friends” actually were your friends. Ha! I loved the way you thought they were going to stick by your side after you “let me go”. I loved how you thought you were just gonna drop me and moving on was going to be easy. I can see it in your eyes; the regret, the pain, and the disappointment. I can see how mad you are at yourself. I see it every day. I see the way you look at me. I used to love that look. I see the way your eyes linger on me as I walk by. I used to love those eyes. I hear the way your words start to slow and stop when I appear. I used to love those words. But now I know the truth. Now I know that the looks weren’t out of love, they were just looks. Now I know that those eyes weren’t truthful, they were full of nothing but lies. And now I know that those words weren’t real, they were just words. And I was just another girl in your book. A chapter in that book that meant nothing to you. Every word you ever said, every “I love you”, every “I promise”, every “forever”, they were all lies. Every time you kissed me, you felt nothing. Every time I was in your arms, you felt nothing. And that’s fine because that lets me and everyone else know exactly the kind of guy you truly are; fake. As fake as your girlfriends hair color. =) So many people are still astonished at the fact that you willingly…well…..screwed me over. I’ve heard everything from “What was he thinking?” to “He’s going to die alone.” And now where are you? Alone. It doesn’t matter who you’re with or who you think you might be with, you’ll always be alone inside. From now on, you will always remember and regret everything you’ve done. I know you all too well, Dylan. Your mind is so easy to pry into. I cared so much for you. I gave my all for you and what did I get in return? Pain? Hurt? Heartache? Tears? Yeah, all of those, but I’m not gonna lie. You made me very happy. Everything I said to you, I meant them. I meant every compliment. I meant every word that I said. And yes I meant every single “I love you”, but obviously, I didn’t know what love was. It was just “puppy love”. Neither of us knew any better, but that doesn’t make up for anything. You broke so many promises. You promised me happiness. You promised that you’d never hurt me. You promised me forever. You promised me a future. But you broke all of them, along with my heart. I laid it all on the line for you. I took my heart and handed it to you and trusted you with it. I gave my life to you. And you had the choice; either take it or break it. And you made your decision very clear to everyone. You held my half beaten heart in your cold hands and you threw it to the ground. You let me fall and watched my heart bust into a million pieces. And now look where we are; hating each other. Honestly, I would love to know what I did to hurt you so badly. The dirty looks you said were “regret”, yeah, keep up with those. Continue to regret everything you said and everything you did because that’s exactly what you should do. I have no sympathy for you. You seem to be generally happy within your situation. “She” seems to make you “happy”; happy for the time being. But when you really think about it, do you think you can spend forever with her? Do you really think that she’s gonna be “the one”? Just like you said I was? Do you think she’s different from all the other girls? Just like you said I was? Do you really think she’s perfect for you? Just like you said I was?
Who knows? Maybe she is. Maybe she’s your perfect girl. Maybe she’ll be the one you say “I do” with. Or maybe she’s just another girl in your “little black book”. Just like me. Maybe she’s just another victim in your cruel little game. Just like me. Maybe. There was so many maybe’s. “Maybe we can talk tonight.” “Maybe I can go.” “Maybe we can hang out.” “And maybe were just not right for each other.” So many promises; broken. So many secrets; revealed. So many lies; told. I trusted you, Dylan. I believed in you. I believed you, in general. Why? I ask myself that question, literally, everyday. Why wasn’t I enough? Why did I fall so hard for someone that I barely knew? Why did I give it all up for someone who wasn’t willing to give me anything in return? Why did I let myself lose everything? Why did I? But what about you? What about what you did? Why did you let me go? Why did you lie? Why did you flirt? Why did you think I wasn’t enough? Why did you tell me lies? Why did you make me promises you knew you couldn’t keep? That you knew you wouldn’t keep? I have so many unanswered questions, but I guess I’ll live. I love how you said “you’d love to be friends again”, yet you are exactly the same as you were. So, are we friends..... ? Well, I guess that’s a NO!!! Ha!! So keep up the “good relationship” with your girl and go ahead and give as many dirty looks as you want. Whine and cry all you want to anyone you want and show anyone you want ‘cause they’ll think it’s just as amazing as me. Good Luck in all that you do, ‘cause your honestly gonna need it. =P.


Love Always, HA!
The-Girl-You-Lost 9/16/09