April 17th, 2010
Staring death in the eye I blinked away the tears. Not knowing my reactions I tossed all the blades away. I needed to think of a new way to start my life. I needed to know my reason for living, yet none came up. Why had I felt so alone and miserable? Why had I been left alone at the bottom of the abyss? Why hadn’t I thought of another escape to this pain that I had to bare? Why couldn’t I love and be loved in return? Had I been born with a love defect?
I knew nothing could fix my black hole of a heart. Yet here I sat thinking of a new way to death. The feelings were here again and I couldn’t stop them from planting themselves into my mind. The thoughts were torturous and the pain was unbearable, the tears wouldn’t stop. It was as if god had designed it to run like the waterfalls throughout the rain forest. I never expected to feel so drained of emotion yet feel so miserable and calm, had I always been like this? The thought occurred to me that this heartache still hasn’t healed even after all this time.
Why had I have to go through this over and over again? I wanted to just die alone; at the very least it wouldn’t hurt so much as being tortured with fake smiles and spoiled personalities. Nothing I ever do seems right anymore, I cant take all these lies and wanna-be I love you’s they’re just another tale to tell at my funeral. Though it made me who I was today it still hasn’t changed the fact that it killed who I could have been. There hasn’t been a time when I haven’t thought of what could have been, yet here I am writing this and I am still dead without a trace of wondrous thoughts of promised tomorrows…