Dear Diary,

It's another day and the first thing I thought of was him, Jeremy. I almost texted him, but then I remembered that unfortunately my phone ran out of money last night at midnight. My mother is going to the store with my younger sister and I asked Morgan to tell my mom that I needed a phone card, but I honestly doubt she will get me one. When she's in a bad mood towards me she can go for weeks without getting me a phone card. I have had to buy my own before when they are suppose to be our allowance. I'm thinking about, next year, getting the unlimited texting for a year thing. It's about $300 dollars, but it would be worth it. I wouldn't be dependent on her. I also plan on moving in with my grandmother so that would help her so she would have to buy me a $15 dollar card every month. My plan only covers unlimited texting to Verizon customers only, while the unlimited for a year covers everyone. I like to have options, and I hate that I can not text who I want because she does not want to pay for it or she doesn't think I deserve it. I really wish she would just get over herself sometimes. I'm not changing who I am to make her happy. She can have me as I am or not at all. I will not change for anyone, and it applies to everyone. If they do not like who I am they can move on and leave me behind and I won't think twice about it. I try not to change people unless it's something serious and hurting a very important relationship or someone's health. Only under those circumstances will I want someone to change. I have seen how angry people get when you try to change them and it pushes people away. I hate to say it but my mother and I have been pushing each other away since she met Jorge. I'm not saying it's his fault because I do not believe it to be so, but she has tried to be my mother instead of my friend. I do not take to scolding and b****ing very well. It just makes me angry and when she it I will do the opposite or take my time doing whatever it is she wants done. I may seem like a brat, but I do not like to clean up others' messes. I feel that that is not my job, especially when the others can clean up after themselves. I don't mind doing the dishes when it's my turn, but if it's not my turn and I get stuck doing them I get extremely angry. I hate having to do others chores. No, I do not have very many but why should I get punished for what they didn't do? That's unfair. Do not say life is unfair because believe me, I have probably seen through more than a lot of people. In my 17 years I have experienced more things than a lot of adults can say that they have. Most of it was not good at all, abuse and neglect is not a fond memory, but I still have it. Oh well, enough pondering on the past. It's done and I can not change it. The future is what I'm looking forward to. I'm living through the present to arrive at the future. I do not know what I want to do when I get to college. At first I was set on art, but now I think in want to put my empathic abilities to work and become some kind of psychologist. Of course that would require a lot of school, five years, and lots of patience. I say I am not a people person, but what I mean when I say that is that I don't like to be in a group of people and be the center of attention. I don't want a lot of people focusing their attention on me all at once. It overwhelms me every time. One on one, I am just fine. I even enjoy it. I try to help people with advice and comforting words when they are at their weak points. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on and it is not always the knight in shinning armor who gets to be the hero. I did a research paper over psychology and I think I would do well at it. Especially if I worked with children or teenagers. I know what they would be going through. My mother had had three marriages so far and each one of her loves had something seriously f***ed up in their heads. Sorry for such bad language, but it is true. One was abusive and hurt my mother, one was a sexual abuser and neglected me by leaving me outside, when we lived in Houston Texas, for hours with nothing to drink. He would not just let me come inside, but he would lock me out and laugh when I cried, the next was verbally abusive to my mother, me, and my youngest sister, and now she is dating Jorge. He seems okay so far, but I'm not letting him near me. I have been hurt too much to let any man think he can be my father. He tried to give me “The Talk” and I laughed and walked away. We all know about the fathers who try to give our boyfriends a talk about not screwing us and treating us right. Well, he was going to give that talk to my boyfriend and I'm like, NO! Not in a million years are you going to think you are even close to being my father. I have no father and never will. He also said something about walking me down the isle when I get married. I almost laughed, but I didn't have the heart to tell him he is not my family. My grandfather is walking me down the isle. Sometimes I wonder what is going on in his head, but I really don't want to think about it. If he makes my mom happy that's good, but he will not be a part of my life. He annoys the crap out of me most of the time. He makes up stupid nick-names and doesn't understand that he will never be my father. He almost tries too hard sometimes. I will not give him the chance. As harsh as that seems, I'm almost 18 and will be moving out pretty soon so there really is no reason to give him the chance. All he will do is make me feel worse than I already do about fathers. I don't need him anyways. My mom was talking about getting married to him, but honestly I told her I would go to her wedding and be there for her but I didn't want to be in her wedding. Is that mean? I hope not, but I'm not going to go through all that again because I could really care less. When I get married I want Lauren, my youngest sister, to be my maid of honor and then if I am still friends with Kaitlyn and Kirsten, they would be the others. I want a small outdoors wedding in the spring with all the flowers. If it rained, well, I'd kinda like to get married in the rain. I think it would be romantic. Of course those billowy white tents would be up for the guests, but I could care less if I was to get wet. My lover might though, and I want to make him happy, so it would be up to him. I want a white tighter fitting dress that kinda flows from the body. I would love some lace, but no bows or bulky flowers. To me, those things are tacky. I think I'd want a lilac purple and mint green, or a powdered blue and silver. Mostly the second one. I guess all girls dream about their weddings. I think it is only natural. I am going for today, but will write again tomorrow.