12/1/10 5:04pm

I honestly wonder what my point in life is. Because it just seems like I’m just another mistake on earth. I’m just another screw up. I’m SO sick of feeling like this. No one could possibly ever understand this feeling that I have I cant even describe it. All I know is that I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m so tired of feeling like I mess everything up. It’s like I cant do anything right. Or if I do something right it ends up being wrong. I’m trying so hard to get back to the girl that I use to be, because I know that’s who a lot of people think I still am. I really honestly wish I was that girl, I would do anything to be her. But I’m not. She’s gone forever. I just wish they would see that. I wish they would see how bad I’m hurting. I wish they would see how unhappy I am. I wish they would see how much I’m fighting those evil and unreal thoughts that pop up into my head. I just wish they would see how hard I’m trying. And I really am. I swear to god I’m trying so hard. But it seems like that doesn’t even matter. I fix one thing, something else bad happens. I just want one person to be able to look at me and never believe me when I say I’m fine. I just want one person to keep asking until I tell them. I just want one person to be there for me. I just want one person who wont let me down like everyone else has. I just want one person to prove to me that I can trust them. Because honestly I don’t trust anybody. I barely trust myself. I haven’t told anyone but sometimes, no more than that, a lot of times, it feels like I cant breathe. I get dizzy all the time. Sometimes its just like I cant do this anymore, I’m not strong enough. I wish God would just give me a break for once. I’m so tired of having to be strong and having to be brave. And all I want to do is sleep. Just close my eyes and sleep. Because when I’m asleep is the only time I feel good, it’s the only time I feel real. It’s the only time….I feel safe. Not safe from the world or anybody. But safe from myself. Not saying killing myself or anything. It’s just that whenever I’m asleep those thoughts cant come to me anymore. They use to, I use to have dreams, very vivid dreams about all that stuff. But now that I’ve started fighting back harder they don’t come anymore, But the thoughts still do. I’m just so tired of feeling like this. I’m so tired of trying and nothing working out. I just wanna sleep and cry. But I cant sleep but so much, and I don’t cry. I really just want it all to go away. That’s my only wish. I want these thoughts to go away. I want the pain and the hurt to go away. I want to go away. I want to be able to smile a real smile again, instead of this fake one. I want to be able to show my true feelings instead of bottling them up. I want to be happy. But I’m not. I never have been. I never will be. For me happy doesn’t exist. I’ve never known what it is. I’ve had little moments of happy but never the actual thing. Because right when I think I’m happy I do something and screw it up. I screw everything up. I just wish they would see how hard I’m trying. I really am. But I’m starting to give up because it only makes stuff worst. I’m just so tired. Always. It never stops. It never will. I just hope the thoughts stop or that I can keep being strong enough to push them away. The one thing I know for sure is, Something has got to give, I just really hope that something isn’t me.