Sabriyya ran up the curved staircase, her cheeks still cold from the January winds- climbing the stairs her legs had memorized long ago. She dropped her backpack which landed with a sudden thud, but she was already on her way back to the stairs- descending with a speed that worried her parents. As she rounded the corner- slid past the open door to the basement- and entered the kitchen, she could still feel the winter air on the tips of her fingers and the rim of her ears. Grabbing a mug overflowing with hot cocoa and milk, she raced back the winding wooden stairs, slowing down only when on the soft white carpet.

Holding the cocoa close to her, she could feel her hands warm and the aroma warmed the red of her nose as she smelled what she would have to wait to enjoy. Carefully placing the mug down on the coaster next to her bed- Sabriyya opened up her laptop and instinctively went straight to the GSA Forum page. At the top of the page, Sabriyya read the post several times in disbelief, shocked that the energetic and cheerful freshmen known for wearing a lot of green could post that he was going to take his own life that day because he felt alone and ignored by everyone.

Sabriyya, recalling their only meeting, a short encounter where they exchanged pleasantries before she had to sprint off to catch up with her team to set up a tournament just months ago. He had a Hispanic face and hair that had a mind of its own. When he smiled, no one could resist to smile along with him; he had that energy around him that made people want to be around him.

Walking slowly with the weight of the world on her shoulders, Sabriyya closed her door- waiting for the familiar click that confirmed that she would be left alone for the remainder of the day. With caution, she opened up a new chat and messaged James in a frenzy of keys and letters- barely able to get words straight as begged the boy to reconsider.

Sabriyya 4:16 pm


“James. Wait. Just wait. Please don't do this. Please. Things get better. Im not just saying that. You'll never know how much you affected and touched people until you leave and then you'll never be able to see it. Please stay.You don’t know what adventures you'll go on. You're a great friend and so easy to talk to and maybe I've taken that for granted but please stay.”

James 4:28 pm via mobile

“Only a few want to listen. Nobody else will bother. They just wish I didn't have to be dealt with. My parents don't want to listen. They don't understand what I'm going
through. They and others don't bother asking what's wrong”

Sabriyya 4:30 pm

“then tell me. im here and im listening. and i always will be. thats what friends are for. and if nobody else will bother- find new people. the world is a big place but you are important okay. talk to me. if you want you can call me if you dont want to type it out. please don't take your own life though. taking your own life means you cant change it. it means that you’ll never know what good can come to your life. it means finales and endings and your story cant end”

James 4:31 via mobile

“I can’t vocalize my thoughts”

Sabriyya 4:32 pm

“then keep typing because as long as you send messages i know youre alive for a few more minutes”

Sabriyya went back to the GSA forum that she had opened only minutes ago, and posted a new post warning members of content that would be discussing suicide, knowing that although she herself was triggered by memories of eighth grade- she could not bring more people to relive those pains as she copied the message in the main forum page- a warning to over fifteen hundred people that one of their own was in danger.

Sabriyya then started a new conversation- one to start an army in a war made of battles that she could not win alone. She sent the message with blurring speed to the two people she knew could help him best- a sophomore whose history knowledge was unparalleled in the state and a freshman who dyed her hair in strange combinations with great pride.

Conversation started January 4

Sabriyya 4:32 pm to Nadezhda, Lamont

““TW: Suicide. guys i dont know if youre following group hugs at the minute but james (our james) is on the verge of suicide. i dont know how long i can help him as i dont have his phone number/ know where he lives etc. and have only known him for a few short months if you guys could call him or go to his house and hold him and hug him or distract him please do so i honestly dont know what to do. im messaging him but i dont know how long i can do this. the whole thing is really scary for me nad i dont know his personal life.i dont even know if hes at his house.i have him on the phone”

Nadazadha to Sabriyya, Lamont 4:32 pm

“I'm texting him right now. Should I call the police? i have his address”

Sabriyya to Nadazdha, Lamont 4:33 pm

“i honestly dont know what to do. im messaging him but i dont know how long i can do this. the whole thing is really scary for me nad i dont know his personal life i dont even know if hes at his house.i have him on the phone”

Nadezhda to Sadriyya, Lamont 4:38 pm via mobile

“Is he okay? I can't go over to his house and I don't know what to do”

Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadezhda 4:38 pm

“I just texted him, I hope he doesn't do anything to sudden.”

Sabriyya to Lamont, Nadezhda 4:39 pm

“hes still breathing”

Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadezhda 4:40 pm

“Did you call him?”

Sabriyya to Lamont, Nadezhda 4:40 pm

“he called me”

Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadezhda 4:40 pm

“How is he doing? What is he doing?”

Sabriyya to Lamont, Nadezhda 4:42 pm

“i dont know i dont know how long he can hold out”

Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadezhda 4:43 pm


“Does any one of us live near him? I don't know where he lives.”


Nadezhda to Lamont, Sabriyya 4:44 pm


“He lives near the Giant, sort of close to Tiber. 56 Gabriel Drive”


Lamont to Nadezhda, Sabriyya 4:45 pm


“I think one of us should go there if at all possible, we need to know how he's

doing/”


Nadezhda to Lamont, Sabriyya 4:46 pm


“I really want to but I have no way of getting over there”


Lamont to Nadezhda, Sabriyya 4:47 pm



“Can anyone else get over there? Is he home alone?”


Sabriyya to Lamont, Nadezhda 4:49 pm


“no he said someone else is at home with him (i think parents but the line is fuzzy) he

doesnt want to talk to them because they dont understand what hes going through. hes on

the phone with Nadezhda now”


Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadezhda 4:51 pm


“Okay, as long as he is not alone then...I don't even know what to do in this situation. I don't have his house number or anything. If I did I would call there and tell whoever he's with.”?

Sabriyya to Lamont, Nadezhda 4:51 pm


“just need to know hes still breathing and he was when he swtiched lines to nadazh”


Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadezhda 4:52 pm


“I fell like we should call 9-1-1, or maybe a suicide prevention hotline.”
The pressure mounting on three teenagers in a situation none of them could have imagined, their choices meant life and death for their friend. Call too soon and they could alienate him when he needed companionship the most or call too late and the consequences would be too terrible to imagine. Black clothes, funerals, long speeches about his smiles and legacy- but it would all be too little, too late. He did not have a legacy. He was a fourteen year old boy trapped within his own mind with a ladder that was just out of his reach. ?

Sabriyya 4:52 pm

“james im turning off the phone right now to charge but call me back as soon as you want
to.that way i have all the battery possible to talk later”

Nadezhda to Lamont, Sabriyya 4:53 pm

“He is still breathing, I asked him if he wanted me to call someone he said not yet but he
doesnt know how long he can do this I think he switched lines again because I wasn't getting a reply any more.”

Lamont to Nadezhda, Sabriyya 4:54 pm

“Is anyone in this group still talking to him?!”

Nadezhda to Lamont, Sabriyya 4:55 pm

“I have him on text”

James 4:55 pm via mobile

“I'm still here.”

Sabriyya 4:55 pm

“o thank you go to group hugs and there is 200 people who love you and understnad you. we all have stories theyre there to listen to yours. please keep responding. you could even type the alphabet letter by letter just to let me know you are still breathing. james please”

Sabriyya to Nadezhda, Lamont 4:55 pm

“okay i have him on message”

Sabriyya to Nadezhda, Lamont 4:56 pm

“if hes not talking to anyone at the moment live- i think its time for 911”?

Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadezhda 4:57 pm

“Just keep talking to him then, try and change the subject to something he likes. I think it might be already bad enough that we need to call 911.”

Nadezhda to Lamont, Sabriyya 4:57 pm

“I agree. I can call if you want.”

Sabriyya to Nadezhda, Lamont 4:58 pm

“i tried telling him to distract his mind on something but he refuses”

Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadazha 4:58 pm

“No, you keep texting him. Sabriyya, I think one of us should call 911.”

Nadezhda to Lamont, Sabriyya 4:58 pm

“I'm going to call now okay?”

Sabriyya to Nadezhda, Lamont 4:58 pm

“you should clal 911 and ill keep messaging him on FB okay im really scared and its better we call early than late”

Nadezhda to Sabriyya, Lamont 4:58 pm

“Should I tell him we're calling? I don't know if you're supposed to tell them”

Sabriyya to Nadazha, Lamont 4:59 pm

“i dont think so because he might panic i told him before we might but he didnt mention dont tell him he might panic, hes on edge and this is not a time to scare him”

James 5:00 pm via mobile

“It was late in the winter of my 17th year”

Sabriyya, knowing that James was only fourteen knew that was not an extension of the suicide note he had left on the page. Despite the similar style to the note, the words felt old and familiar, words she had read over and over again, hidden under the hundreds of color-coded sticky notes in her copy of “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green, a book that she used for inspiration to keep living- for Augustus and Hazel- for their will to live and read and share. Sabriyya jumped out of bed, ignoring the sharp pain that came when her foot swung and hit the curved edge of the desk beside her bed and grabbed her well worn copy of the new book and turned quickly to the page that he had quoted.

Sabriyya 5:01 pm

“tfios okay continue”

James 5:01 pm via mobile

“It's right next to me.”

Sabriyya to Nadazha, Lamont 5:01 pm

“he jsut sent me this: It was late in the winter of my 17th year."hes quoting TFIOS because i told him to keep messaging me anything”

Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadazha 5:02 pm

“That line ends with "and devoted quite a lot of time to thinking about death."”

Sabriyya 5:02 pm

“what is”


James 5:02 pm via mobile

“My books.”

Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadezhda 5:03 pm

“Okay, just keeping him texting, has someone called 911?”

Sabriyya to Lamont, Nadezhda 5:03 pm

“Nadezhda please do it now i dont know how long i can keep him typing its already been an hour and every minute counts nadazha have you called yet?”

Sabriyya 5:03 pm

“where do you want me to start?”

James 5:03 pm via mobile

“Chapter 5.”

Sabriyya 5:05 pm

“okay "i did not speak to augustus again for a week. i had called him on the NIght of the Broken Trophies; so per tradition it was his turn to cal. But he didnt. Now it wasnt as if i held my phone in my sweaty hand all day..."”

Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadezhda 5:06 pm

“Hopefully she's not responding because she's calling right now.”

James 5:07 pm via mobile

"... Staring at it while wearing my special yellow dress, patiently waiting for my
gentleman caller to live up to his sobriquet."

Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadezhda 5:08 pm

“Are you just messaging him on FB?”

Sabriyya to Lamont, Nadezhda 5:08 pm

“yes”

Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadezhda 5:08 pm

“Okay, I'll call him.”

Sabriyya 5:09 pm

"i went about my life. i met kaitlyn and her (cute but frankly not Augustianian) boyfriend for coffee one afternoon. i ginested my recommened daily allowance of Phalansixifor..." james are you there do you have your phone”

Nadezhda to Lamont, Sabriyya 5:09 pm

“I'm sorry the call took so long the police are there now before the dispatcher hung up he said that the car was on site”

Sabriyya to Nadezhda, Lamont 5:09 pm

“okay hes still on FB i sent my except and it says seen 5:09 so they may have gotten in im so scared”

Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadezhda 5:11 pm

“I called him, we talked. But then he hung up after I heard some voices in the background.”

Sabriyya to Lamont, Nadezhda 5:11 pm

“so either parents or police thank god”

Lamont to Sabriyya, Nadezhda 5:11 pm

“Whatever happens, I just want everyone to come out of this living."It's times like these that try mens souls."”

James to Forum 6:17 pm via mobile at Sunny Meadow Hospital

“To utterly destroy a quote from TFiOS; “The real heroes are the ones doing things.” I’m fine.” ?