I have been looking for excuses for a long time now. I can’t study; I don’t play any sport and have become a miserable teenager with nothing to look forward to. Homework and tests run through my mind everyday and I dread the next hour of my life. Will I study, will I not? Recently I found out about my excuse. The iron level in my system is abysmally low and I am anaemic. I did some research and found out that people with anaemia have no energy and have no desire to do anything. It fits perfectly well with my current lifestyle. But the thing is no one around me thinks it’s a good enough leeway for me shy away from my life. The thing is I can see myself going away in bits and pieces; sometimes it hurts to put on a happy healthy smile for people when I am so broken inside. I can’t see my future because I can’t feel my present. I don’t know if you’ve felt it but there are times you’re just passing when even though people love you don’t feel loved and you berate yourself all the time but you still can’t do what you want. I stopped eating food gradually and I never felt it, it was never the desire to be thin but basically the hatred of home cooked meal. Frankly I still don’t know what exactly it is as I haven’t talked to anyone openly because I try to be fine. My diet has receded to being ‘bird’s feed’ and I still can’t get myself to eat.

I was diagnosed because after 2 years of ‘just having a feeling’ I finally went to the doctor to discuss my hair loss. I got up one day and my mane of thick hair somewhat vanished from the front. I was devastated and I did not want to go to school. . I had no idea I had bigger problems. My eyes are sunken and I sleep a lot. I wish I could stop sleeping and I did something. It feels like I am downright lazy more than sick. Maybe I am lazy, I am just looking for excuses. Do you know how it feels to look at people’s eyes and wish they would understand? Do you know how it feels to be in a crowd and yet be lonely? Do you know how it feels to be an underachiever and see everyone’s gaze looking down at you and yet not have the power to change it? I want to be determined and passionate but there is this mental block which takes me two steps back when I try to take a half step forward. Is it too weak to want people who tell you that it’s okay to fail sometimes; is it okay to feel helpless? I wish I cared about something so much that I could take my mind off me. I wish I wasn’t this person because I don’t know who this is.