I watched Her walk up and take Her diploma, wondering why I didn't care more, why I wasn't as sad as I should be. I watched her smile proudly as the loudspeaker announced scholarship after scholarship that she had been awarded, ending finally with the scratchy acoustics letting everyone know that She, a girl from a small unnoticed town would be on a full ride scholarship playing basketball. I watched my small town, nearly every resident, rise from the old, wooden bleachers and cheer their ear-piercing cheers. Why didn't I clap…?

They filed out of the gym, Her basketball news being as good a close as any. The scratchy voice came on again to let us know that we could talk to the class of ten out in the hallway. Everyone flooded out in the tear-filled excitement of bittersweet graduations. I was somewhere in the middle of the people-sea. I knew I should say goodbye and give Her a hug and all, but the line was really long and…Why didn't I say bye…?

Everyone was going to Her graduation party. The whole town, basically, was going from the crowded gym to the slightly less crowded lawn in front of Her house. I didn't want to go. Someone, my friend's brother or somebody, gave me a ride home on his way to Her party. Why didn't I want to go…?

I walked into my house, my silent house and laid down on my silent bed to listen to…silence. Everything outside was quiet and everything inside my head was loud but somehow, under the circumstances for dreadful insomnia, I was able to fall asleep….Dreams.

There She was riding Her horse. I watched through the county-fair fence as She twisted and turned expertly around the barrels, spurring the tall, brown beast with the slightest of spurs and kicks.

She was pretty, She was really pretty and it made me nervous. Just watching Her made me nervous. I looked down and rubbed my toes in the damp dirt. She was too old for me. I'd seen Her kissing that high school boy earlier, when I went to buy cotton candy. She was in junior high and I was only in fifth grade. She kissed high school boys…

I woke up, drowsy and not quite certain of my surroundings. Shaking my head, trying to clear out all the brain-fog, I looked out the window and saw that it would be dark soon. The sunset looked really pretty, all it's yellows, reds and oranges blending perfectly into the grand finale of a spring day.

I rubbed my head, starting at the temples and working up to my forehead. That's how I jump-started my memory. I'd had a dream in my little nap. Why couldn't I remember that dream…?


It was a basketball trip. We were all on the bus, all the fifth and sixth graders. The whole bus was dark; it was late. We'd lost the game but I didn't really care. In fifth grade I never really cared if we lost or won.

She was there. She was good at basketball just like She was good at everything else. Her season wasn't for another few months though. The eighth grade girls played in January and February so She was the boys' team manager.

We were all sitting in the back, happy that the eighth graders weren't there to kick us out. She sat with us, part of our circle. There was laughing, high-pitched, just-hit-puberty laughing. Everyone was playing truth or dare.

There I was, sitting a little awkwardly on the outside of the circle. I was always awkwardly just outside the circle. Then….we kissed. Her and I kissed. It was a dare, but it was my first kiss. She kissed high school boys…

I jumped up out of bed this time. It was like I'd had a bad dream or something, one of those dreams where you're falling and wake up just before you splatter about the ground.

The sun was down now, all the way. It was dark except for the stars in the sky and the headlights on the highway. My family still wasn't home. Her party must be real fun…

It was summer. One of those wonderful, junior high summers where you do nothing but hang out with friends and ride bikes in the sun. Those summers were the last time I felt the freedom of youth, before me and my friend got jobs and divorced parents.

I was sitting in my room, squinting away from the bright sunlight shining through my window. This was before I had a cellphone. I was talking on the house phone. I was talking to Her.

My face contorted in an odd brew of jealousy and interest. She had just lost her virginity and She was telling me about it. We had talked a lot that summer, every day. I would sit for hours, that window-square of sunlight tanning my pale skin while Her and I discussed anything and everything.

She seemed excited. She seemed like She was in love with this guy, this guy that she was drinking with and then…

I listened, jealous and wishing that I could just be a few years older… "I love you." I actually told her I loved her. I did.

"I love you too." She said it back, without hesitation. "I just wish you were a few years older…"

The door opened, my brothers were giggling. I heard my mom telling them, in her suppressed whisper-scolding, that they better not wake me. It was late, probably eleven or twelve. They were all talking about who got drunk and who got loud and what everyone in that year's class was going to do now.

I shook my head again. Something was odd. Something was different. It was almost like deja vu, but not exactly. I rolled over and pulled the covers around my ears to try and muffle the excited, gossipy giggles. It sounded like her party was fun…

I was at my friend's house. It was that same summer, the summer before my seventh grade year. We had just gotten done with football practice and were laying around on his sofa eating popsicles.

One of my friend's uncles walked in. He was twenty-something, big and strong and good-looking. He had a gorgeous girlfriend with him. "Hey guys, We got some booze if you want to drink tonight. We can drink in that camper."

My friend and I looked at each other in surprise, terror and, above all, anticipation. "Yeah?….Yeah, let's do it." We both nodded.

"Cool. We'll see you guys tonight." They left. We both giggled that adolescent giggle and chattered about the upcoming night. Neither of us had drank before.

I looked out his window. She was his next-door neighbor. I texted Her and asked Her to come over that night. By that time I'd finally convinced my dad to get me a cell phone. She said yes…

It was dark, midnight by then. I walked across the field, stumbling over dirt and rocks in the black void of a starless night. She met me where we had planned, at the fence. In short-shorts and a little tank-top She looked beautiful. She held my hand and we walked back to my friend's house.

We were in the camper, all four of us drinking. I'd never been drunk before and it felt good. In a circle -always with the circles- we started to play truth or dare. This time I wasn't awkwardly on the outside of the circle. Her and I kissed.

"I dare all of you to take your clothes off." We all took our clothes off. I wasn't even nervous. Without alcohol I would've been nervous.

"Let's go swimming." She suggested with a smile, nudging me in the shoulder.

"Alright." We went swimming in the starless, summer night. The water was freezing and the bugs were biting and I didn't care. Her and I kissed…

My bedroom door opened. It was still dark. My room was really hot, too hot. I'd been sweating. At the door my mom stood, peeking in. "Sorry to wake you up. I figured your brothers already had though."

"Yeah, it's alright," I said. How long had I been sleeping…?

"You should've come, it was really fun…"

"Yeah mom. Hey, sorry, but I'm really tired. Can we talk in the morning?"

"Sure, honey. Sure. Get your rest." She walked back to her room. I threw my blankets off the bed and stared at the ceiling. How long had I been sleeping…?

I was walking down the hall. I was in seventh grade and everything was…better. It turned out that I had been a star at football. I'd grown six inches and started for the eighth grade basketball team that year. Oh, and I had a girlfriend.

It was a girl one year older than me. She was walking down the hall with me, telling me about what had happened in her PE class. I was laughing and then I leaned in. We kissed…

She pulled back fast. Something was wrong. We had always kissed. There was an odd look on her face, an apologetic look. The late bell rang. Without saying a word, we walked to our separate classes. What was wrong…?

An hour later, on the bus, her friends told me that she wanted to break up. I nodded, then went home and cried. It was my first break-up.

I looked at my cell phone laying on the nightstand. It was dusk and my eyes were dry, all cried out. I called Her; not my ex, but Her. She picked up.

"Hey, it'll be alright. Honestly, I'm kind of glad that you broke up with her. While you two were dating you hardly talked to me at all." After She said that, everything seemed okay…better even…We talked until midnight.

Freezing, I woke up. It was raining. Fat drops of water were cascading on my window and thunder seemed to be shaking the world. Of course it was raining…

The house was silent again. Everyone had finally fallen asleep. I felt really sad, but couldn't quite comprehend why. In my napping fog, I couldn't quite remember what day it was or what had happened that afternoon, nothing. It was raining…

I was in ninth grade. Walking down the hall, I didn't have the puffed-out-chest confidence of seventh grade. I hadn't grown much more since then and I was only mediocre at sports. Instead of football, I ran cross country. In basketball I only played a few minutes in junior varsity games.

I saw Her sitting on a bench in the hallway. She was a senior that year and Her boyfriend was a senior. She was kissing him. Her boyfriend started varsity; he was good. Her boyfriend could bench 200 pounds and out-sprint everyone.

Her and I hadn't talked in a long time, not since eighth grade. What happened…? Nothing really happened I guess, nothing important. We just…drifted.

I heard a giggle and turned my head. They were kissing again. "Oh, hey. What's up man? You coming to my graduation?" Her boyfriend asks. He's a nice guy.

"Oh, nothing much. And yeah, I think so..."

"Cool, man." He leaned back in to kiss her. She kissed high school boys…

I woke up. The sun was shining again, through my window. My room was nice and warm. The air smelled like spring rain. For some reason I was still really tired. I hadn't slept real soundly.

I walked into the kitchen to get some water. My mom was in there drinking her coffee. "Hey, are you feeling better? You really should've come to that party. We all had a lot of fun."

"Hmm." I filled my water glass and scratched my hair. Why didn't I go to Her party…?